Hello friends! I have something special in store for you this week. Devree has taken over BlogAway! Yay! It's a guest post from America's smartest, wittiest, bravest, most amazing, recent high school graduate!
Not only is it fun to hear from someone else, it also gives me a little extra time to work on other things. Is there anyone else out there who wants to help lighten my work load? I've got some laundry you could do. Or some toilets you could scrub. Anyone? ........
(Um ... this silence is very awkward.)
I guess I'll move right on to the guest post. Take it away Devree! (And warning readers: don't drink milk while reading this post or it will come out of your nasal passage.)
I know everyone has come across some just plain awful puns. My dad is the pun master. Since I was little we would be driving somewhere, and he would break the silence with a pun. That or singing. His favorite puns are these:
Why’d the girl eat bullets? She wanted to grow bangs.
How do you make time fly? Throw a clock out the window.
What happened to the frog that died? He croaked.
What happened to the frog that died? (You’re going to answer “He croaked” right? WRONG! ) He got towed away.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You ‘neak up on him!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way! (You have to tell the rabbit ones in this order or it loses all the hilarity.)
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a cow that just had a baby? De-calf-inated!
Those are his puns. He cycles through them so it’s not so awful because you could forget some of the answers. But after you’ve heard them for almost 18 years you know all the answers.
Also for many years I would go through everyone’s Halloween candy and look at the jokes on the Laffy Taffy wrappers to find a good one. I found one good one amongst all the groaners;
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roamin’ Catholic! I thought that was pretty good!
My Uncle John is a dentist and he likes to tell jokes. Because he would tell so many jokes, his kids started to make up jokes. Matthew, who is 4 or 5 now, made a knock-knock joke: Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Island
Island who?
I land on your belly! HA! He would say the punch line really fast and let out a deep HA!
Uncle John had one that went like this;
What do you call a boat going up a river with no oars? Brown, pancakes are flat! This was his way of saying some jokes are just stupid and don’t make sense. He probably came up with it when they were kids and his brother, Jeff told this joke;
Why did the car drive up a tree? It ran out of gas!
I want everyone to share the worst puns, jokes, groaners, kid’s jokes, whatever, that you’ve ever heard as well as some of the best.
Well you heard the girl: let's have some pun! (That's my worst.)
And here is my second worst:
Ha ha. Now it's your turn!
(And BTW, If you want to be eligible to win this month, you need to comment by Wednesday night. I will announce the monthly winner and prize on Thursday.)
13 comments:
Oh my goodness, Dave and Devree's Dad would be such good friends. Every joke Dave makes is some sort of pun.
Ok, here are a couple I've heard a few times (these aren't Dave's):
~I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
~Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
~Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
~ (I like this one, since I"m a teacher) There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
And lastly, A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
Yikes, I can hear all of the drums in the background...
Hahahahaha! Those were great, Nicole! I thought they were clever! Oh, when I got to speak in stake confrence I had a joke to tell ; Who puts all. the leaves back on the trees in the spring? The Re-leaf society! Also my English teacher loves puns so when he was taking attendence he said "I have no Tori?" and I said yes you're no-tori-ous." He gave me a high-five because usually he's the only one that makes puns no one laughs at.
I love the atheism one Nicole! Ha! How are some people so clever ... like Devree! "No-tori-ous" oh my gosh girl, you've got a gift!
I'm brain dead and can't think of all my best puns. But I've learned that if you have to say, "do you get it?" that it's not a good pun!
From cheating on the internet, I found: What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? Hose A and Hose B. (Not politically correct, I know.)
There are so many good ones (bad ones?) out there!
Haha, Devree, I thought of said English teacher *write* when I read this. Gotta love those puns. I'm having a difficult time remembering any, but here it goes:
-I was wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
-(Also slightly politically incorrect)Why do Asians get good grades? Because they're not B-sians or C-sians.
stolen from internet:
-I named my ipod Titanic. It was synching.
- I knew a guy addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Oh, and ask Carson about his Polar Bear joke.
How you can spot Ronald Mcdonald at a nude beach? He's the one with sesame seed buns!
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Dam!
That's all I've got folks!
I am one of those kind of people that have to think, and think and ponder and wonder and then, after half a nights sleep "OH I GET IT" But I will always give you a laugh to show that I am not so slow. (truthfully I do get it, sometimes, and I did get the ones posted and loved them)
Taken from the net...
1.) I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
2.) There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'
3.)If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won't know what you're missing.
...Ta da
I loved this one that I saw as a slogan written on the back of a tow truck:
"We won't charge you an arm and a leg, just a tow." Ha ha!
My dad used to tell this joke that always made me laugh:
"Three ropes walk into a bar. The bartender said 'Get out. We don't serve ropes in here.' So the ropes went outside and came up with a plan. One rope said 'I can get some drinks for us. Just tie a knot on one end of me, and frazzle up the end. He'll never recognize me.' So they did. The tied-up frazzled-up rope walked back into the bar, and the bartender stopped him: 'Aren't you one of those ropes that I just threw out of here?' The rope replied, 'Nope. I'm afraid not!'"
(Get it? "A frayed knot!") Ha ha : )!
Thanks for the post, Devree!
Oh wait, I have one more that I want to share that I actually made up myself. You have to know a little about my family--we're musicians. My husband is a composer, among other things. My youngest son's name is Tate. The last thing is--have you seen that scene in the movie about Mozart, "Amadeus", where Mozart's really sick, so he has Salieri assist him in transcribing (notating) the music he is composing in his head? OK, that's enough background...
Tate walks up to his dad who is working on a new composition for work.
"Son, Daddy's working. Please go play."
"Aw, Dad, can't I help?"
"No, Tate."
Get it? Notate? ...I hope you get it... ;)
Oh shoot...I just read Lori's comment about the faux pas of saying "do you get it?" I guess I blew it! ; )
I was raised in a puny house so while I tend to roll my eyes at them... I can't help but to get sucked into saying them sometimes. I can't think of a pun right now but I do have some old school lafy tafy jokes:
I'm sure you have all heard these: how do you count cows? A cowculator.
what do you call a fat ape? A chunky monkey
why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7-8-9!
Bwah haha.
Caitlin: you found a better pun site on the net than I did. Hilarious. You could do those at the local comedy club and make some extra $.
Janice: this is a rated G blog and both your jokes were offensive. Watch your tongue or I will have to ban you from the blog. :)
Bakerfam: I have a hard time understanding my teenagers' jokes. I think there sense of humor is warped ... or I'm too old or something--so you're not alone! And don't you find it odd that dope is called grass and also weed. Aren't those two opposing things? They weren't thinking when they came up with those names. (Yes, I'm full of deep thoughts today.)
JazznJenna: that reminds me of the one I saw on a septic service truck: We're number 1 in a number 2 business. Ewww! Now those fellas have a crappy job. Ha ha - do you get it? ;)
Anne: Those are some classic puns! We should make a book of all the cow puns and give them to grandpa for Christmas. He'd have a cow.
Well, since I'm prone to embarrassing myself in this location, I think I'll do it again and get a bit juvenile here today. But please note that I heard this from a very well respected sister in my stake who is even older than Janice. It's the only knock knock joke worth retelling, although I don't think I've ever told my kids. Devree, please don't lose any respect for me (if you have any left after the happenings that have gone on here before):
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pile up.
Paulashawn: thank you for omitting the rest of the joke. You. Are. Disgusting. I will never let you tend my children for fear of you contaminating their minds. (OK, no really, that one is hilarious!)
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