2013 started with a bang and I can tell it will be a year for learning. Would you like to know what I have learned already this year? (Why do I ask questions like this? I'm going to tell you regardless.) For starters, I have learnt:
Always back up your computer often, especially if you are a writer and have hundreds of thousands of words scattered about in various documents.
Always back up your car, especially if you are parked facing a brick wall.
Picture from wiseGeek; click here to read the article if you need help blowing your nose.
If you have a cold, always carry a pocketful of Kleenexes, especially when going out in public.
If you are in need of more volume in the chestular area, carry Kleenex.
If you are sick, go to a doctor.
If you are a doctor, don't get sick.
If you bake tons of Christmas treats and your lovely, kind neighbors give you tons of Christmas treats, you are going to have tons and tons of Christmas treats.
If you eat all of those Christmas treats, you are going to get fat.
Picture from PBS
If you watch the season premier of Downton Abby, you are going to have to wait impatiently for each new episode.
If you don't watch the season premier of Downton Abby, you're not going to know what everyone is talking about.
I'm lots of smarts, don't ya think?
One thing I've always dreamed about is having an advice column. I would love to be Dear Abby, except my name's not Abby. (If only my parents hadn't named me Lori, I would have had so many more options!) I love advice columns and advice radio shows. And I love giving
Picture from this site, but don't read the article because they are smarter than me.
Have dry, cracked skin? I can tell you how to treat it.
Have ring around the collar? I can help you get that collar tidy whitey.
Is your holiday company still hanging around, much like frozen nose by-products? I can help you get rid of both kinds of danglers!
Is your boss/co-worker/roommate/teenager/dog driving you bonkers? I can help you get rid of them! Oh wait, that solution doesn't work there. I will give you a recipe for chocolate cake that will make you forget all your troubles!
Ask me anything: anything at all. You may even ask me anonymously if you don't want your boss/co-worker/roommate/teenager/dog to know they are driving you bonkers. I will take my best stab at your troubles. (Oh dear, used the wrong word again. I will not suggest stabbing as a solution to your problems, unless stabbing chocolate cake might be deemed therapeutic.)
I will do my best to answer your question promptly and with as much solemnity as possible. Ask away!
Oh, and please address your comment with "Dear Lori," just so I feel important like Abby. Thank you kindly.
12 comments:
Dear Lori,
I have a creature in my house (who shall remain anonymous) that is constantly leaving hair EVERYWHERE. It infuriates me to no end. Come warmer weather, I will be forcing this creature outside to preserve his spot in our home. My question is this: how do I survive the next three months without first having to be committed to an institution?
Sincerely,
Hanging on by a hair
Dear Lori,
My son's dream is to be a Dr. for dead people. How can I help him understand that they don't need a DR. anymore.
Signed,
Dying for help.
Dear Hanging On,
I remember your "creature" well from early last summer. It was hard to see his face through that mess of long black hair. I can understand your frustration. My suggestion: get him a gift certificate to Sports Clips. If Steve--I mean the creature--is reluctant to get his hair cut, you can always tell him he is just going for a trim and a massage and then tell the stylist to take several inches off while he is not looking. He may be mad at first, but he should get over it by spring. If he's still mad at you when the snow melts--oh well, he'll be in the back yard and you won't have to face his wrath. Hope this helps.
Dear Dying,
I think your son may be on to something. Remember Miracle Max? He classified dead in two ways: Mostly Dead and All Dead. It's very possible your son can pioneer the field of bringing those who are only Mostly Dead back to life--with only moderate side-effects. (Likely including sneezing, weeping, oozing, burping, and possible tongue wagging.) Another plus to being a "Dead" doctor is that your son won't have to pay for malpractice insurance, since the dead don't sue. I think you should encourage him in this endeavor. You might find that it benefits you greatly, so long as when your time to pass comes, you don't go All Dead. I'm looking forward to hearing about his progress.
Dear Lori,
I am not sure if I know how to make my question funny, but I know your answer will be, which is why I am submitting my question to your advice column and not Abby's. My question is this: how do I make my kids stop fighting all of the time? And being so messy? And being so childlike? (oh no wait, I think I like that part). I just don't understand what their big payoff is from causing such unhappy problems all of the time.
Sincerely,
Where can I turn for peace without completely running away?
P.S. I already know all of the ins and outs of season 3 of Downton Abbey because I'm a cheater. But not as big of a cheater as my friends, who knew how to rig up their internet to make it look like they lived in England so they got to WATCH the whole season already. I just had them tell me EVERYTHING because suspense holds no value for me : ). So if you want any spoilers, let me know! (Hee hee hee!)
Dear Don't Run Away: The first part of your question is an easy one: how to get your children to stop fighting/being messy/acting like children. All you need to know is this simple trick: yodel. Anytime a fight breaks out between siblings: start yodeling. Anytime they back-talk their dear, sweet mother: yodel. When they leave their clothes on the bathroom floor: yodel. Then they will be the ones running away and you will have your sanity! I've found that it even works on the family dog. As far as why the children must destroy all peace/happiness ... hmm, I have two theories on that. Either they are aliens sent here on a covert mission to drive all the Earth's adults insane, or they are just part of the curse that is handed down from parent to child. You know, the one where the parent says "I hope when you grow up, you have 10 kids who act just like you!" I think it might be the former.
Spoilers? Shame! Please don't tell me you skip to the ending in books too! You better seal your lips tight, Missy. (People could rig their computers so they could watch it with the Brits? Will wonders never cease? OK, so maybe I'm not as smart as I thought.)
Dear Lori,
My dear, sweet brother is coming home from his mission in the Philippines in 17 days! I know! It’s soooo exciting! So what’s the problem? I’m going to be gone for two weeks for a check-up at St. Jude’s and getting my wisdom teeth out. (I know, it’s going to be a super fun trip and you’re totally jealous, right?) Anyways, I will be in Tennessee while my beloved brother comes home and I won’t get to see him for five whole days after my younger brothers and dad. (Mommy gets/HAS to go with me.) So my question is how to stay unbummed because I can’t see my brother while on my uber bogus trip?
Sobbing Sister
Dear Lori,
How do I keep things in my house organized when little hands and feet undo anything and everything faster than... really fast? Or do I just give up on being organized and learn how to be faster to keep up?
Sincerely,
Can't keep up
PS. Thanks for the laughter today! Loving your responses! I feel your pain... can't wait for next weeks episode!
Dear Lori Lou,
How do you like peppermint Joe Joes? And how do you like having a lead leaking hot chocolate maker as a gift?
How do you live with yourself knowing that your sisters and nieces and nephews want you to visit them so badly?
How do you do?
How do you firm up the underside of your upper arms?
How do you get rid of unwanted facial hair?
How do you get rid of old and gross carpet without spending any money replacing it? And the same question with a couch.
How do you resist the temptation to eat the bag of Hint of Lime Tortilla chips?
How can you be surprised that your thighs are dimpled when you just ate the bag of chips?
How do you say no to me when I say I'll fly you here?
How do you keep a poker face during testimony meetings?
How do you develop get rid of pride?
How do you get your teenage son to wear something other than a hoodie?
How do you get your pre-teen daughter to stand up straight?
How do you get your youngest to not grow up so fast?
How do you stay at home knowing that your sister is having fun snowshoeing in a beautiful setting?
How do you know how many calories you burn when your heart is beating at 150 bpm?
How do you get someone to volunteer to be your family chef and grocery shopper?
How do you have time to answer all my questions? I should say that these are just a few of my questions, not all of them.
Lori, how did you know I skip to the end of books?! I'm so ashamed. I don't always do it, just when I HAVE to ;). At least you didn't find out that I had my sister ruin the ending of Sixth Sense for me before I even watched the movie! And while I watched it, I had my husband tell me when all of the scary parts were coming up so I could cover my eyes, and then he would tell me what was happening so I could still follow the story. I'm so awful! Now you'll never want to go to a thriller movie with me, right? Don't worry, I'll just let you go see it first, and then we can go see it together later (after I get my hands on the spoilers). Suspense is just not my bff. Very sad, but true. (And don't worry, my lips are sealed about Downton Abbey...I won't even tell you what happens to...just kidding!)
Dear Don't Cry,
That is a most unfortunate series of events! I can understand your sadness. But do you know what best relieves sadness? Pranks! So you need to plan 1 prank for every day that you are gone. Since you know what will get his goat best, you will know what to do, but here are some suggestions: 1. have your dad play really loud rap music in the car on the way home from the airport. 2. Have a street-walker give him a kiss on the cheek. 3. Have his buddies buy him a ticket to a rated R movie. 4. Have him arrested for eating too many fries at In-N-Out. 5. And for when you come home, get a fake tattoo and some fake face piercings and make him think you've gone over the edge!!! A prank a day will help you feel like you're not missing any of the action and it will give you something to look forward to each day you are gone. Good luck with your check-up and I hope you don't lose too much wisdom!
Dear Don't Fall Behind,
There is a very simple solution to the fast handedness. Replace your hand soap with glue. Then, after the kids eat breakfast, tell them to go wash their hands and then grab their favorite toy. And BAM! The toy is glued to their sticky little fingers all day--meaning they can't get their hands on anything else. Genius-- yes? You will need to install some large water feeders like they use to water giant rabbits so the kids can still get water since they won't be able to use cups and you don't want to be inhumane or they will learn to never wash their hands again. Also, you should make sure you get some of Nicole's creature(aka Steve)'s hair and make it into a mop so the kids can help you clean up. Won't they be excited to use the Uncle Steve Hairy Mop?
Dear Miss Asks-A-Lot,
How do you like being the cause of your sister's post-holiday weight gain? How do you like being the cause of making your sister mostly dead? How do YOU live with yourself for leaving your ancestral home state of Montana? Oh, wait wait, I'm doing this all wrong. I'm supposed to be answering, not asking more. I'm sorry. Let me start again.
I like them very much. I also like lead very much.
I stopped living with myself a few years ago. It's much quieter in my new place--and there's less guilt here too.
I do just fine, thank you.
Wear long sleeves.
Wear a mask.
Rip it up and don't replace it. Throw it out and don't replace it.
Don't buy them. Just eat them in the store and get arrested for shoplifting and it will curb the addiction.
Keep your pants on.
You haven't had your broom for very long: do you blame me for not wanting to risk my life?
You practice by playing poker on Saturday nights.
Be humble.
Put his pants on him.
Make her see you without your pants on.
Sit on her.
Take your kids sledding by walking across the neighbor's property, walking through the snow without snowshoes because it is even better exercise.
Don't eat anything and see how long it takes you to pass out.
Eat out.
Fly backwards on your broom and turn back time. And then stop asking questions.
Jenna, Jenna, Jenna: how could you? Do you put the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle in first? No, you do not! You must stop this sneaking process immediately! Oh, and thanks to you and Anne for telling me about Once Upon a Time. LOVE it.
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