Just Listed!

Just when I thought that every minute of footage ever recorded by a camcorder was on the Internet and I plan a blog post accordingly, I find that no, the internet only has stupid videos that no one wants to wants to waste their time watching, like this one:

 

Wow, that was AMAZING!

 

There is a four minute video of a safety cone, but the HGTV commercials I wanted to use are nowhere. It's like they were abducted by aliens and now some green guys from Mars are watching them instead of you. Sigh. I will just have to describe them to you; but hey! I'm a writer so that shouldn't be so hard, should it?

 So my favorite TV show is HGTV's House Hunters and House Hunters International. Some may say that watching strangers shop for a house is just about as boring as watching a safety cone, but I love houses! I love architecture, the decor, the color schemes, the locations. There is something interesting about every city across the world: even Butte, MT! I especially love House Hunters International, as it might be the only way I ever get to see the rest of the world. (Except for when Anne takes me on a Rhine River cruise.)

Anywho, House Hunters runs a series of commercials where the actors describe themselves as if they are a house on the market. For example, a bearded, burly man in flannel talks about himself as if he's a rustic log cabin in the woods. My favorite is a mom in a disastrously messy house and she says something along the lines of, "but on the inside, I'm still that same immaculate 4 bedroom colonial," and then she gets bonked in the head with a soccer ball.

Have you ever thought that houses are a reflection of who we are? Of course, if you are renting a cinder block apartment, that might not be the case, but when you buy a house, you search for something that is "you." This is especially true for any lucky soul who gets to build their dream home.

But for the rest of us living in the real world, sometimes our homes (or ourselves) are not quite as dreamy and perfect as we would like. But we have a lot of good to work with. So here is your challenge. You might need to think about it for a minute or two. Write a sales description as if YOU were a house that was just listed on the market. You need to tell us what style house you are, what your best features are, and any inadequacies the house may have. But! You want the house to sell, so you need to sugarcoat! Be nice to your house! So remember: you are describing YOU, not the place where you currently live. You are answering this question: if you were a house, what would you be like?

Here is my sales description:

Charming Craftsman Bungalow
Solid foundation, quality construction
Warm and inviting
Many creative, quirky nooks and crannies.
Showing some cosmetic signs of aging, but structurally sound
Bats/cobwebs abundant in the attic
Has nice curb appeal, but the front porch is sagging slightly
Cleans up well, but you must call before viewing!

OK, your turn. Sell me your house! 

Lost in Translation

Sometimes you stumble on something so funny that you have to share. You must watch this. Now. Before you read the rest of the blog. I will wait. (I hope you haven't seen it before as it is a few years old, but it is from overseas, so maybe it missed your radar too.)

Sheesh. Took you long enough. What'd you do? Go out for a sandwich?

I actually just shot myself in the foot by posting that first, didn't I? Nothing I can say will be funny now.

Now I must figure out how to tie that video clip into a blog topic. OK, here goes:

My teens are taking Spanish (it was actually their Spanish teacher who showed them that video. Yes, they watch Youtube in schools these days. I could be a teacher if all I had to do was cue up a video.) and I'm actually amazed with my brain (for once, instead of being disgusted with it for being dead. Or near dead.) when I can understand what they are saying. I took Spanish in high school, but I never excelled at it. A lot of odd phrases stuck, such as "tengo dolor de cabeza" and "tengo dolor de estomago." ("I have a headache" and "I have a stomachache," respectively. I guess I was a hypochondriac as a teenager.) Other odd phrases I have never forgotten are: "Que una ganga!" ("What a bargin!" You're supposed to say this when you are at Walmart.) and "Mi aerodeslizador está lleno de anguilas." ("My hovercraft is full of eels.") Just kidding on that last one. I just found it on a website and thought it was funny, and heaven knows I need help being funny. However, I do not know enough Spanish to actually hold a conversation, nor can I understand someone speaking Spanish fluently. But here's the good news: I've never NEEDED to speak Spanish. It's more likely that I have to translate Canadian than Spanish, as I'm just a few hours from the northern border. (If you don't believe me that you have to translate Canadian, then you've never been to Canada before. Now who's the one who is not well-traveled?

  (I must take a Rhine River cruise someday. MUST!)

I would like to learn Italian, French and German, just enough to be able to ask, "where is the bathroom?" and "does this come in my size?" and "I want to go home," so that I can travel Europe. I would also need help understanding certain English dialects. Am I the only one who has a hard time understanding really strong English accents? I have a hard time understanding hillbillies from the deep south too, but I don't think that's my problem. What accents are hard for you to understand?

I couldn't ever learn any of the Asian languages--I don't even think my mouth moves that fast. Is there any language you have tried to learn, but have failed miserably? Are there any catch phrases you say in a different language when you don't even know that language? I do say several random French phrases, thanks to all my high school friends taking French and not Spanish.

And do you know what this reminds me of? That scene in Generations where Ben speaks Italian and Kat doesn't know what he is saying. Aw. I miss those guys. Do you think it's about time that I got back to finishing their story?

Digame. En ingles, por favor.

One Cool Winner

So maybe I need to go back to the weekly prizes because I almost forgot to go shopping for a prize. If you are wondering how a girl could forget to go shopping, then you don't know me very well. I don't like to go shopping because it means time away from writing. Am I warped or what? And why am I telling you this? You have better things to do with your time than read about my un-shopping habits, don't you?

This month's winning week was week #1: Back to Cool, which was perfect because what kind of prize would I have given away this week? A recording of my voice? Don't think so. Although, I would have liked the winning week to be the week on musicals because then I could have given you tickets to the Bigfork Playhouse Children's Theatre for this weekend's show--and if the winner doesn't live here, then that would mean she would have to come visit! Sigh. Oh well, I guess this prize will have to do:

Since the winner might not appreciate animal print jeans, how about an animal print scarf? I kinda love it personally. Might I borrow it sometime?

And, just to make sure you are extra spiffy, I have included this totally awesome GOLD nail polish, because in America, the nails are painted with gold. At least that's what I heard Fieval say.

When you wear the gold nail polish, you must sing this song:

OK? OK?  Caitlin I'm talking to you because you're the winner! Comment #10 from week #1. How lucky are you? I shall mail it to you at once (or at twice. How come nobody ever says that?), but I'll need your address first. Text me.

See ya in October all you super cool friends of mine!

I Can't Hear You

Hi. Hello. How are ya. Hey. Wazup? Hey y'all. Howdy. Hola!

Can you guess what this week's topic is?

It's about being repetitive. Or redundant. Or ... something else entirely!

It's about VOICE.

In writing terms, voice is like the author's signature on each page of their work. Voice, or tone, is their style, their rhythm, their prose. It is a reflection of that author's persona. It is what makes their work unique.

Another way to illustrate this would be to use music: you know how you can hear a band like U2 and instantly identify their sound and know that it's The Edge and Bono and Cher? Some bands are harder to identify based on their sound, oftentimes because they are trying to duplicate what has made another band successful. Tone can be imitated, but when you think about it, every bestselling band/author has their own sound/voice.

Voice isn't something that can be taught, nor is there a formula for developing voice. It is what is inside you and it is your job as an author to transpose that bit of yourself onto the page. But! The characters can't be an extension of you. And the plot can't be based on your real life, unless you are writing nonfiction. Can you see why voice is a tricky bugger to nail down? It's you: but it's a fictional you.

Do you wonder why I'm dumping all this writing info on you? Because something Devree wrote in the comment thread last week got me thinking: she mentioned laughing at the Laffy Taffy jokes and I realized I have never heard the sound of Devree's voice. And JazznJenna. And Didi. And other random passers-by. That's the way of the internet: we spend a lot of time reading and getting to know other people, but we don't often get to hear them speak. (Unless they are into vlogging, which bless them for doing that, but don't count on me ever being so brave.)

If you haven't heard me speak, you at least know my voice. It's all over my blog. In fact, I would prefer to type rather than speak because when I talk my words come out all up mixed. My voice is very much in the Wilder Times series. In fact, when I wrote the very first page of book one, I sang the Hallelujah chorus because I could finally hear my own voice on a page. What does that say about me that it took writing for teens to find my voice? It says grow up Lori, that's what it says. I'm hoping that The Reign of Trees is still my voice, but just more mature. That is a little scary jumping genres and worrying about losing that tone that flows so naturally. (BTW, a cover reveal and release dates are coming soon! Yippee!)

What you wouldn't know about reading my voice is this: I'm often described as "soft spoken." (Except my kids would never say that about me, but we're not going there!) I was once told I should practice lowering the tone of my voice so I would sound more professional. Does that mean I sound ditzy? Sometimes when I answer the phone, people ask me if my mom is home. That doesn't happen so much anymore, probably because they can hear the grey hairs on my head. (Teen #2 pointed one out to me today, thank you very much.) I love that my voice sounds a lot like my sisters, and like some of my nieces too. (Again, I'm fascinated with genetics. It's so cool how families can sound alike.)

I love when I read everyone's comments because I can hear little bits of your voice. But would you do us all a favor? Would you describe your voice? What do you sound like? Is your voice like others in your family? How about this: do you speak the dialect of your area? Yes, I'll admit, I might sound a bit Montana-ish, but I've lived here my whole life so it's unavoidable! Last night someone asked me if I was Canadian, but I'm thinking (hoping) that was because I ordered gravy with fries and it wasn't related to my voice.

Yeehaw!

And how about this: what does your laugh sound like? I know that's hard to describe. Mine would be a whinny-snort-cackle cackle. (I don't know how to describe it really, since it seems like no two laughs are ever the same. But I have been known to snort before. Yup. I'm awesome.)

OK! I've talked about myself for long enough (yet again!); now it's your turn! Describe what makes your voice YOU!

Oh, and it's the last week of September (how'd that happen?) so come back Thursday for the monthly winner!

It's What's on the Inside

Two weeks ago when I posted about back-to-school fashions, I forgot to mention that my post coincided with Fashion Week in New York. Or maybe I didn't know until later that week that it was Fashion Week, but I'm not going to admit that or you might think I'm a backwoods hillbilly, like I admitted to last week. Anywho, I read this article about what runway models do to "slim down" for Fashion Week. Can I just say I'm so glad I decided to be an author instead of a model? Hahahahaha. Ha. Ha ha.

Runways models have to do all sorts of crazy diets, take pills and injections and exercise nonstop to make sure every bone on their back is protruding when they strut down the runway. Hey--you know what would help solve this problem? Clothes that actually cover their bodies! If they were given more than a doily to wear, they wouldn't have to worry about being so darn skinny. But in addition to the starvation diets, they are oftentimes encouraged to do meth and speed to speed up their metabolisms. Scary sad.

Not only is this look so not attractive, it also makes them weak. Proof: Have you seen how often they fall down?

Or maybe it's the shoes?

Back to the previously mentioned article. As sad as it was to read about drug abuse and extreme diets, this was what appalled me: some models even eat cotton balls to feel full. COTTON BALLS! How could you knowingly put fluff into your system? Won't it like ... plug things up??? Maybe those gals aren't at the age where every day they have to think: fiber, fiber, fiber. (TMI? Sorry.)

So if it is true what they say that it's what's on the inside that counts: runway models are full of fluff. (I'm just saying that for the purpose of the blog topic. I don't mean to categorize, nor do I mean to judge. I'm sure they are as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside.)

If you are what you eat then this would be true as well: since you, my BlogAway friends, are all so sweet, would it be safe to assume that you eat sweetness on occasion? I'm going to say yes, because I don't know anyone who can refuse sweet treats all the time. We can all be strong and have willpower against the things which are not good for us occassionally: but all the time? Don't think so.

What are the sweet treats that keep you from being runway-model thin?

The treats I can't refuse are:

No Bake Cookies. Unfortunately Teen #2 likes to make these A LOT, and his are the very best. Sometimes we even eat leftovers for breakfast. Hello, they are made of oatmeal! Don't be so critical!

Pumpkin cookies, bread, bars, rolls ... basically anything pumpkin, except for pumpkin pie. (I get the shudders just thinking about pumpkin pie. Is that weird?)

Speaking of pie: oh my, I like pie. But it has to be homemade. Or close to homemade. Mom my makes the best pie. Ever. I'm counting down the days until Thanksgiving.

Peanut M&M's. And Pretzel M&M''s too. I don't buy them because then I eat them. Funny how that works.

Red Velvet Cake

And lastly ... I have a huge weakness for a certain soda with Splenda. Does that count? And does that mean I am full of fake sweetness? Oh dear, that's not good.

Tell me: what sweet treats make you go weak in the knees like a model on a runway?

The Post Where I Break Into Song and Dance

One of the disadvantages of living way out here in the Wild West is that sometimes we miss out on the latest and greatest the world has to offer. Like there's this new thing I keep hearing about called electricity. Anyone know what that is and if I should get it?

Actually, this is what I am referring to:

No I don't mean Les Miserable the musical, I mean this specific DVD. In case you are like me and have been in the dark for the past year and a half, this is the 25th anniversary CONCERT at the O2. It is oh-mazing. I think that if I would have attended it live, I would have blissfully died in my sleep that night. It's that good. You should go buy it, right now! Oh wait, maybe finish reading the blog first. It's been many, many years since I've seen a live production of Les Mis, but I've fallen in love with it all over again. I'm even going to read the unabridged novel before the new movie comes out. Or at least I'm going to try. I might need eye surgery by the end to uncross my eyes, but it will be worth it.

But this has made me think: we've never talked about musicals before! How could I have missed such a fun topic?

So ... My very favorite musicals are:
Annie
Okalahoma
Phantom
Les Mis
Grease
Camelot
And High School Musical (Just kidding. But, I am super glad that they got a new generation to love musicals. Way to go Disney!)

Least favorite musical: Mamma Mia. (Not that I saw it live. But the movie didn't do it for me, even though I'm an ABBA fan.) But this does make me think: has any other musician had an entire play written based on their music? Guess whose songs I would love to see made into a musical? Josh Groban's! Especially when you hear one of his songs sung in harmonizing parts by the men of the Mo Tab. Beautiful! (And yes, I know Josh didn't write that song, but dude, he owns that song. And by owns, I don't mean he has the intellectual rights, I mean he OWNS it. Capishe?) Since I like to think I can do things I'm not qualified to do, I bet I could write a Grobtastic Musical--at least the play part. I would need someone musical to help me with the musicalish parts. Any volunteers?

Wow, I finally figured out how to embed a video in a post. I feel so accomplished!   And guess who else I would like to write a musical for? Michael Jackson! Not because I'm a major fan, but because the rest of the world is and because the costumes would be killer. I mean Thriller. Seriously, can you picture how cool that musical would be? Any volunteers to help on that one?

I just posted a MJ picture underneath a Mo Tab video. I bet that's an all-time first.

Are you a fan of musicals? Which ones are your favorites? What songs are your favorites from said musicals?

If you could be in a musical, what part would you love to play? I would love to be Miss Hannigan from Annie. I love her! 

And then answer me this: which musicians would you like to see their music set to a play? 

Oh, and I forgot to mention this last week: we're just going to continue on with the once-a-month prize for awhile. I'm really enjoying not having to mail things out as much. Did you guys know I have an aversion to the post office? I think it's because I tripped and fell there as a small child and it scarred me for life (literally).

Back to Cool

It's finally back to school time here in my neck of the woods. The kids, for the most part, are not ready to go back. I think it's because our household population is predominately male and they don't understand the awesomeness of the back-to-school wardrobe.

As a kid, I think that is the only reason I even went to school. (Other than, ya know, the illegality of not getting an education. Unless you are from Kentucky, where not getting an education is completely acceptable and actually embraced. Just kidding Kentucky. But you do have to admit: Turtle Man is from Kentucky, therefore ... ) I especially remember the year I was twelve (or thirteen. Yes, I remember it well.) and I got to shop at the mall (and not at JCPenny's) in a trendy junior's store. One of our ultra-cool youth leaders worked there and she helped PaulaShawn (without the Shawn because we didn't know him back then.) and me select an entire wardrobe full of interchangeable outfits. It was heaven! My very favorite outfit was PINK PAISLEY JEANS with a pink oxford that buttoned all the way to the top.

I sincerely hope buttoning shirts to top never comes back in style since nowadays I gag when something touches my neck, which means turtlenecks are forbidden from ever coming into style again either. Especially for men. Eww.

But, as I tried searching for a nerdy 1970's era man wearing a turtleneck, I found this picture of Hugh Jackman. Um ... almost acceptable, but just ... no. Sorry Hugh. No man should wear that unless he is in the Swiss Alps on a ski vacation and he has matching white snowpants.

So back to the paisley jeans thing. Printed jeans are back in style, but I've always heard the rule that if you wore something as a teenager and it comes back into style, you're not supposed to follow that trend again as you will look like a middle-aged lady desperately clinging to your youth. Does that mean I can't buy a pair of these?

These just scream, "I am Lori, hear me roar!"

How do you feel about fashion? Is it your passion? Or are you glad to just have something to wear other than your birthday suit? Or would you actually prefer to wear your birthday suit??? (That one better be a "NO." This is an anti-nudist blog.)

What styles do you hope never come back into fashion? Do you have an all-time favorite outfit? Is there something missing from your wardrobe that you would love to have? I would love to have a Golden Age of Hollywood style formal gown--something billowy and shimmery and elegant. And then I would need an occasion to wear it.

And then answer me this: what is the oldest thing you have in your closet (other than a prom dress or wedding dress)? I have a 1995 denim shirt, oversized with a zipper that is worn with leggings. I actually wore it when I was pregnant. I have no idea why I've kept it, because I really can't see ever wearing it again. Unless I paired it with those awesome animal print jeans.

Talk to me. Or as they say in the fashion capital of the world: je ne se qua. Wait, that's not right: bon appetit. No, that's still not it. Hmm, I guess I need to brush up on my French if I want to have a passion for fashion. Es tu turno! (Hablas Espanol?)