A Stone-Cold Winner

I want you all to win a prize this month, and I promised the prize would be something that would scar you for life, so here's this:

Warning: INAPPROPRIATE PHOTO AHEAD!

There. I warned you.

I can't post the link to the original because I can't find the original because typing in the words "naked family" on Google really scares me.

How much therapy do you think those children will need??? And you know how long photo-shoots can last. And I hope this photo doesn't show up on a wedding video when those kids grow up. Their pain will never end!

Congratulations everyone on winning that gift.

And now, on to the REAL winner.

Random.org selected week #2, where we talked about all things healthy. So I went to the store thinking I would buy something fitnessey or the like, but came home empty handed. Apparently I wasn't in the mood to shop. So then I started thinking about what gift card I could get online and I realized I hadn't given away any Cold Stone for awhile. And then it hit me! Giving away Cold Stone is my answer to looking thin, because if I can make all you guys fat, I will look all the better. If only I could give out Cold Stone for free on the corner of Rodeo Drive and Santa Monica Blvd!

So the winner gets $10 Cold Stone card! Yay! And the winning comment is #8 Bigskyboys! It's been a while since you've been a real winner. And this actually works quite well for me since your ice cream got eaten by my starving family before I ever had the chance to bring it to you, so this counts as service as well. Win Win!

See ya next week friends. :) 

Body Talk

If you've talked to me lately, you know that I've become obsessed with Once Upon a Time. Oh how I love the complex plot lines. Oh how I love the battle of Good vs. Evil. Oh how I love the rich character development. Oh how I love the characters!

Do you know what I love about Regina? (It's really not what I love the most about her character, but it does fascinate me.) This:

 Picture from ABC

OK, so you can't see it very well, but if you watch the show, you've seen it before: Lana Parilla has a scar on her upper lip. The reason her scar intrigues me is because even though we live in a world that is OBSESSED with image perfection, she didn't feel like she had to get her scar fixed before becoming a star. I like that.

Do you remember how Tow Mater said that his dents were valuable because each one held a memory?(Paraphrasing. I don't have those Disney movies memorized verbatim.) Scars are the same: each scar on our bodies has a story. And since I'm a clumsy girl, I have lots of scars.

Picture from Disney

The first scar I remember getting was when I was 5 and I was racing my dad down the ramp from the post office and I tripped and scrapped my knee and elbow. I remember wearing a polyester suit to school the next day and it kept clinging to my wounds and I was miserable. I banned all polyester suits from my wardrobe from that day forward.

I fell on my forehead three years in a row. First, I fell from climbing the underside of a slide during recess and had to get three stitches. Second, I crashed my bike while trying to leave skid marks in the dirt and had to get 7 stitches. And lastly, I hung upside down from a swing like a trapeze artist and scraped my head on the ground. This time they said I didn't have enough skin on my forehead to bring together for stitches. They also told me it would be safer if I lived life from behind a computer screen. I was paranoid about my forehead scars for a long time and always made sure I had bangs covering them, but either they faded enough for me to not notice them or I stopped caring.

I was more careful as an adult and didn't wound myself so frequently. Phew. I do have one scar that you'll never see--actually, I have three scars in the same place that you will never see. Those are from having three C-sections. And I have one on my hand that looks like a cigarette burn, but it's actually from a glue gun. (I slipped up and tried to do something other than typing on a computer. It will never happen again!)

What scars do you have? What stories go with those scars? Do you have any scars that you would like to see vanish? I do. I have a couple on my back where I had moles removed, but then the wound split before it could heal. Those don't have a good story, so that's why I don't like having them there. Maybe I could make up a better story and make people think I got attacked by a wild badger! Oh wait, that story has already been used by Teen #2, who also just had a mole removed. I wish I would have thought of it sooner! Clever boy.

Tell us your sorrowful/weird/funny tales of injury! Take pictures of your scars and email them to me if you would like!  (Actually, no. Don't. I have a weak constitution. )  Please share your pain!

Oh ... and it's the last week of the month. Come back Thursday to see what random comment wins something that will scar you for life!

Give Me Some Back Flap

Well howdidly bob howdy. Did you know there's only so many ways to welcome readers to your blog each week and did you know I've used up all those ways? So let's just jump right in, shall we?

I have BIG, EXCITING NEWS!!!

Actually, it's not really big nor exciting, but I just wanted you to think you were in for a real treat this week. My news is this: I updated my website, so now it includes a link to Reign of Trees and it also includes an updatedish bio about me. And that is so not exciting, because in general I'm about as boring as a can of latex paint. (And watching a can of latex paint is even more boring that watching paint dry.)

As you will see when you read my bio on lorifolkman.com (once again, that website is lorifolkman.com) I wasted a sentence or two talking about absolutely nothing.  It's almost as if I like to type just for the sake of hearing myself type, which is odd considering I'm not someone who will talk just because I like to hear my own voice. It's more like I have a hard time being brief and precise when I write, which makes it nearly impossible for me to write book synopses and the dreaded author bio.

Do you  guys read the author bios at the end of books? I usually read those before I ever read the book (but I never go to the last page of the book and read that! Cough, cough, Jenna). I always want to get a feel for the author before I start his/her book; for example if they graduated from Harvard Magna Cum Laude, I might put the book down and save it for a day that my brian brain is operating on all four flux capacitors.

When I first entered the world of publishing, I thought how cool it would be to have someone write an author bio for you and see it appear on the back flap of a book--but oh no, that's not how it goes. Most authors have to write their own bios and not only that, you have to write them in 3rd Person, which is always awkward. And while the one on my website is an extended bio, the one at the back of my books is just a few short paragraphs--so not only do you have to give your audience a feel for who you are, you have to do it quickly. No one cares where you were born, when you took your first steps, when you learned to say "That monkey stole my banana," etc, etc, etc. And here's the clincher--you have to make yourself sound exciting even if you live in Montana and only step out of your cave on Sundays when you go to teach Sunday School.

So ... guess what your challenge is this week? You are going to write an author bio for YOU! (And you are going to share with us, of course.) You may change it to show what past schooling, events, mishaps have prepared you for your current hobby or profession or prison sentence so that it reads like a brief resume, but as always, you must be nice to yourself! And you must sell yourself (but without wearing a miniskirt and fishnets, because ... well, no need for because because you all know why!) and you must write in 3rd Person.

I can't wait to see what you guys come up with! It will be brilliant like always, and it will make me think, "why am I an author ... these guys should be the ones doing the writing!" So go ahead, make me feel inferior! I dare you! (But don't go overboard on the exclamation marks like I just did! OK?!)

Fit For All

We are 15 days into the New Year: how are you doing with your New Year's Resolutions? I resolved to not make any this year, and guess what? I haven't slid backwards yet! Are you proud?

Since the number-one resolution is to lose weight, I thought maybe we could talk about that just in case you need some moral support. And because if I could lose a few pounds this month, that would be nice--but I'm just saying nice; I'm not saying I'm trying to because that would be a resolution and I'm not making resolutions!!!

Picture from this blog

What works for me:
Exercise at least 4 days a week. I've been doing Insanity for many moons and it still kills me. I've learned that I love to sweat.

Snack on healthy foods like almonds, snap peas, and sometimes cheese.

Avoid breads as much as possible.

If I put on a few pounds, I go back to good old-fashioned calorie counting to see if I'm overeating.

What doesn't work for me:
Having treats in the house. If I know they are there, I'm going to find them and I'm going to eat them.

Skipping meals or going on fad diets. I never stick to them and I always overeat when I'm hungry.

 I once saw and interview with a lady who only ate dessert once a year--on her birthday. It made me sad for her. Food can bring joy! I don't think you should have to deprive yourself. Only restrict and eat in moderation.

But even though I'm doing better than I've ever done before, there's still areas I need to improve. I need to not stress eat. I need to not eat SO many almonds. I need to drink less Diet Coke. (No resolution there--just stating the obvious.) And I need to get her arms:

 Jennifer Morrison from Once Upon a Time. Picture from ABC.

Who am I kidding? I need to get her entire body. Yowza.

Picture also from ABC

How do you guys suggest I do this?

Tell me, what do you do to stay fit? What's your favorite way to burn calories? What healthy foods do you love? Do you do yoga to relax? Do you stress about weight or do you have a whatever approach?

And then this:

Spartan is coming to town. I'm not a racy kind of girl. Nor do I really like getting dirty. But it kinda sounds fun. Has anyone out there done Spartan or something similar? What competitive events have you done? And how do you train?

And what do you wear? Why are athletic clothes so tempting to buy? And why do you never want to change out of them once when you put them on? How about shoes? I want the Nike Flex Trainers. Anyone have them? (Not for me to borrow, just tell me if you like them.)

The floor is now yours: lets talk fit.  Or do some push ups if you like. Get it? I said the floor is yours. For push ups. Ha ha. Ha. Ha. OK, so that really wasn't that funny. Can you blame a girl for trying?

Smart Sass

Welcome baaack! I missed you dear friend/family member/acquaintance/random passer-by. How was your holiday vacation? Mine was lovely, although it was much like a bowl of jellied cranberries and passed much too quickly.

2013 started with a bang and I can tell it will be a year for learning. Would you like to know what I have learned already this year? (Why do I ask questions like this? I'm going to tell you regardless.) For starters, I have learnt:

Always back up your computer often, especially if you are a writer and have hundreds of thousands of words scattered about in various documents.

Always back up your car, especially if you are parked facing a brick wall.

 Picture from wiseGeek; click here to read the article if you need help blowing your nose.

If you have a cold, always carry a pocketful of Kleenexes, especially when going out in public.

If you are in need of more volume in the chestular area, carry Kleenex.

If you are sick, go to a doctor.

If you are a doctor, don't get sick.

If you bake tons of Christmas treats and your lovely, kind neighbors give you tons of Christmas treats, you are going to have tons and tons of Christmas treats.

If you eat all of those Christmas treats, you are going to get fat.

Picture from PBS

If you watch the season premier of Downton Abby, you are going to have to wait impatiently for each new episode.

If you don't watch the season premier of Downton Abby, you're not going to know what everyone is talking about.

I'm lots of smarts, don't ya think?

One thing I've always dreamed about is having an advice column. I would love to be Dear Abby, except my name's not Abby. (If only my parents hadn't named me Lori, I would have had so many more options!) I love advice columns and advice radio shows. And I love giving unsolicited advice. Since you can see I'm full of it--of helpful advice, that is--perhaps I can use my blog to help you with your problems! Any kind of problem: from social quandaries to household cleaning tips.

Picture from this site, but don't read the article because they are smarter than me.

Have dry, cracked skin? I can tell you how to treat it.

Have ring around the collar? I can help you get that collar tidy whitey.

Is your holiday company still hanging around, much like frozen nose by-products? I can help you get rid of both kinds of danglers!

Is your boss/co-worker/roommate/teenager/dog driving you bonkers? I can help you get rid of them! Oh wait, that solution doesn't work there. I will give you a recipe for chocolate cake that will make you forget all your troubles!

Ask me anything: anything at all. You may even ask me anonymously if you don't want your boss/co-worker/roommate/teenager/dog to know they are driving you bonkers. I will take my best stab at your troubles. (Oh dear, used the wrong word again. I will not suggest stabbing as a solution to your problems, unless stabbing chocolate cake might be deemed therapeutic.)

I will do my best to answer your question promptly and with as much solemnity as possible. Ask away!

Oh, and please address your comment with "Dear Lori," just so I feel important like Abby. Thank you kindly.