REDdy, Set, Win!

It's a great week to be a winner! (Or at least so I've heard. I wouldn't know, since I've never been a winner. Boo hoo.)

Let's just get right down to business so then you can get back to your business and I can get back to my business (monkey) and then everyone can keep out of everyone else's business and we can all just go back to our own little corner of the internet and isolate ourselves from the rest of the world wide web.

That sounded so super depressing. I'm going to drag this out longer so that we can all be together, sharing business for a bit longer. BTW, did you know that I could never spell business right all through elementary school? Isn't that silly? It's kind of an easy word now that I think about it. You know what else I couldn't spell right? Christmas. Also silly. Hey, I never claimed to be a brainiac. (Spellcheck is telling me to change that to braininess, and when I first glimpsed at that word, I thought it said brainless and I was like OH MY HECK I AM SO OFFENDED!)

Let's see ... where was I?

Last week was our wining week. Since it's all about dem der big mooovie stars, I thought I'd get ya one of dem newfangled 3D televisions that make it sos you don't even got to go outside no mores! (I don't know why I'm talking hillbilly either. My brain is a mystery. Someday I'm going to donate it to science so they can see if they can prevent oddities such as me from occurring in future generations.)

Anyway, I was going to get the winner a GINORMOUS 3D TV, but then I checked into the cost of shipping and it was just astronomical. So I had to go with Plan B:

It's a REDBOX gift card. Wahoo! Almost as cool as a 3D TV!

And the winner is comment #8: DEVREEEEEEEEE!

I'll email it to ya Devree! See everyone back here next week. Same time. Same place. Same face. Bring mace.

Cast and a Release

Helloooooo everyboddddy! How was your Easter? Every year I ask the Easter Bunny not to bring so much candy, but does he ever listen to me? No he does not! What good are those big ears if he doesn't even know how to listen? What a waste. Speaking of waists: how many pounds do you think I gained eating Easter candy? (Do NOT answer that!)

I'm excited for this week's post because I get to share some of the inside-my-head details about my new release The Hitch. You downloaded it, right? No? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Get it TODAY! (Did that sound bossy? I'm so sorry. I just wanted it to sound infomercialy. It's so hard to convey tone when writing. Oh wait a second ... I'm a writer. That shouldn't be hard. Oh dear. Am I in the wrong business?) Speaking of business, or more specifically SHOW BUSINESS, a few years ago you might remember me mentioning that I wanted to try my hand at writing a sitcom. Well, my hand didn't like writing sitcoms. (Not my right hand, nor my left hand. It's weird how they are congruent like that.) Writing in TV format smothered my creative process and the story just couldn't take flight.

I was very flustrated. (That word was invented for me. It's so perfect!) I thought the story that had been floating around in my head for months and months was going to have to be forgotten about.

But then I began hearing about EPISODIC novels, which are written in short episodes like a TV series, but follow a novel format. I was delightelated (another perfect word mashup. It will catch on, just wait.) to find a way to bring my characters to life.

Each episode takes place in one week and focuses on the troubles and triumphs of the weddings hosted at Big Sky Brides in the fictional town of Forest Hill, Montana. There is a conflict and a resolution in each episode, but underlying personal and family issues in the Brandt family continue to build throughout the series. The Hitch is just like eating pretzel M&M's: you won't be able to stop with just one and the next thing you know, you'll have a tummy ache. Oh wait, maybe it won't be just like that. Reading The Hitch will be completely belly-ache free. (I just found my tag line!)

Way back when, I posted my dream cast for Wilder Times. Would you like me to do the same thing for The Hitch? Yes? Oh yay--that's exactly what I wanted to do today. You have great suggestions!

If The Hitch made it off the pages of a Kindle and onto the small screen, (not a small screen of a smart phone. The small screen of the TV, which really isn't so small anymore since the average size of a TV is 38 inches. The TV we had when we first got married was an 8 incher. Can you even?) the following people would be cast:

In the role of Jenna Brant:
(BTW, I stole her name from blog-friend Jenna. Cute name for a cute girl. Thanks Jenna!)

Mary Elisabeth Winstead

Jenna is a pretty girl, but she prefers to be known for her mind and her keen business sense. She's kind to everyone (well, with one exception), has a hard time saying "no" (again, with one exception. See below.) is a little bit uptight (OK, a lot uptight) and is as creative as a football uniform designer (meaning that she's not.) I think Mary Elisabeth has that friendly, girl-next-door aura, plus she has dark hair and eyes, which is critical since she is related to this guy:

In the role of Josh Brant:

Josh Groban

Confession: after following Josh on Twitter and realizing how hilarious he is, I thought, "This guy needs to be on a sitcom." And then for some strange reason, the idea for The Hitch was born. The role of Josh was built around Josh. (It's not that confusing. Don't get your Josh's in a bunch.) But that doesn't mean Josh Brant is Josh Groban. Josh Brant's character IS a character (it wouldn't be fiction if I copied an entire persona from an already living person. Plus, that would show that I'm like Jenna Brandt and not very creative.) who is based off of the skills that the actor Josh Groban possesses. (You know he acts, don't you?) Episode 1 mentions that Josh Brandt is a wedding singer and that will have a huge roll in forthcoming episodes. (You know Josh Groban sings, don't you?) Josh Brandt is sarcastic, a little resentful that he's stuck living on the family farm, and is very unlucky in love, which makes him feel like he should be working in a funeral home instead of a wedding venue.

In the role of Nick Timmons:

B.J. Novak

Nick owns the local bar and grill (under the supervision of his father) and has never had the need (or the desire) to live anywhere other than Forest Hill, likely because he's a big fish in a very small pond and most women think he's a major catch. But not Jenna. Even though they dated for time and she has publicly sworn that she would never ever cast her line into such a slimy pond again, that doesn't stop Nick from continually trying to make her think the catch of the day is something other than a carp.

In the role of Dale Polumbus:

Jon Heder

Dale has just come back to town after a very long stint at college. He and Jenna were friends in high school, and even though everyone knew (and frequently teased him about it) that he had a major crush on Jenna, he never had the guts to ask her out on a single date. Why? Because even though their mathlete minds might have been a perfect match, socially they were not. Jenna was popular while Dale was even nerdier than the kid who wore headgear and was allergic to dairy, nuts, wheat, soda pop, and Doritos. Now that Dale's a grown man with a college degree, will he finally find the nerve to tell Jenna  how he really feels?

There's a lot more characters I could introduce you to, but those are all the key players. It's a dream cast and I laugh my head off (it was never screwed on very tight anyway) thinking of the fun those actors and characters could have together.

So tell me: if you could make a dream cast, who would you recruit? It could be for anything: a story you've never told, the story of your life, or book you would like to see on the big screen. Basically, pick your favorite actors or pick actors you think would be amazing together and tell me about it. OK?

This week will be the winning week for the month, so don't you be reading the blog and NOT commenting! A prize and a winner will be announced next week. (But just being my friend is the real prize. Aw!)

I'm History

Hey! Today I'm joining my daughter's class on an all-day field trip. It's a history field trip and I'm a history geek, so I'm excited for a day to explore hands-on history instead of just reading about it in a book or on the web. So ...

You should do something fun today too! I'm giving you the day off. Go ahead. Step away from the computer. (Slowly. No sudden movements. (Just so you don't get dizzy.)) Go try something new! Go explore somewhere you've never been before. Go read a good book. Just do something that makes you happy. OK?

Come back next week and we'll do something SUPER fun, alrighty? See ya then!

Donkey Got Your Tongue?

Um ... hi! So ... what's new ... with you? ... Anything exciting ... going on?

Me neither.

I can't think of anything to talk about. This has been my brain while thinking of the blog the past few days: "Maybe I could write about--wait I've already done that. ........................................ Maybe I could ... no, that'd be lame. ............................................................ What if I ... no, boring. ................................................How about I ..............hmmmmmmm ......................................"

So obviously, I got nothing!

Which makes me wonder: what do you say when there is a lag in the conversation?

You know what I'm talking about. Usually it happens when you are speaking with an acquaintance whom you don't know intimately well and after the initial "how do you dos," there's a long, awkward pause where you both hope that someone will say something brilliant or insightful, but instead, you just listen to crickets chirping.

And if you're like me, you want to fill the void so you say something without even thinking and what comes out of your mouth is something stupid/insensitive/boring/offensive/repetitive/already been said/lame.

My go-to line is usually weather-related. "Some spring we're NOT having, eh?" (That's me speaking to a Canadian.) Which reminds me, if I were speaking to a Canadian, I might say something like, "Do Canadians like their bacon more than Staters like their bacon? Because we REALLY like our bacon, but no one has ever named bacon after us (also U.S.) so does that mean we don't have pride in our bacon?" ... And then the Canadian would look at me like I lost my marbles and then they would find someone else to talk to. (Probably another Canadian because they would deem that all Staters are weird and loopy.)

I might also ask something insensitive like "How's your job," at which the person would respond, "I got fired last month. I told you, remember?" And then I would say, "I was referring to your boob job you got last year when you had a disposable income. I was just wondering how it's ... holding up. And also wondering if you regret spending that money now that you are unemployed."

Sometimes I to try to say something that shows I know my current events, but when I read such current events, I typically remember only the headline and not the details.  So I would say, "Did you hear about the dog who gave birth to a litter of koala bears?" And the other person would say, "No! Tell me about it: how did that happen?" And I'd say, "Um ... it was a science experiment or something. I think they sent the dog to Australia and had him eat coconut." And the other person would say, "???"

Then there's always the go-to Gus (aka Gurton Buster) line, "You hear about Pluto? That's messed up, right?"

Which reminds me: I have a wealth of information about TV shows and books I could speak of, but what typically happens is that I ask someone if they've watched "Uptown Schmabby," and they say "No" and I'm like .... oooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  It kills all good dialogue when people aren't up on all the shows, people!

So what do you talk about when the conversation is pointless, dull and all-too quiet? Do you have the gift of gab? Do you find it easy to talk to anyone, anywhere? Or do you dread situations that might make you get constipation of the mouth? (Hey, if people can say diarrhea of the mouth, certainly the opposite applies.) Are there some fascinating topics you like to discuss? Can you teach me how to be a conversationalist? If you won't talk to me, I'll assume that you are a complete backwoods introvert, so ya better speak up y'all!

No Foolin'!

You guys! I have been busy, busy, busy! I have a new book out today!

Here. It. Is.

Yay me! Yay you!

It's an unauthorized biography, but it's also a self-help book, promoting inner health and healing after the tragic loss of beloved facial hair. In chapters like "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" readers, both male and female alike, will learn what is needed to forget past facial hair fads and face life clean-shaven.

You must buy the book if you want to uncover whether or not Engelbert will embrace the Stache Craze once again! 

Happy April Fool's Day to one and all!!!!

So obviously, I'm just a foolin, although if I ever got into writing biographies, Engelbert's would be at the top of my list, mostly because after writing his name out a thousand times, I might actually be able to spell it right.

In case you are worried that I made you check back this week for a really, really lame joke: FEAR NOT.  I do have the most awesome of awesomeness in store for you:

A new book! A REAL new book!

Ta-da!

What is it? (I'm so glad you asked!) It's a novel written in episodic form, much like watching your favorite TV sitcom. A new episode will be released every six weeks.

So, that's what it is, but what is it about? (Again, thanks for asking!) Well ...

When siblings Josh and Jenna converted their family farm into Montana's premier wedding venue, the didn't realize they were turning love into a spectator sport. 

Where can you get your copy? (Thank you for your keen interest! I'm ever so flattered!) You can get your ebook on Amazon, and for the next two days you can get it ABSOLUTELY FREE.

You must go forth and download! Now! And share: tell all your loved ones about my new baby. And ... one more small thing: would you, could you, leave a review on Amazon? I'd be ever so obliged!

Thanks friends! Happy Book Day!