I'm Eyeing A Winner

You know who I'm surprised I didn't see listed with the villains? Roderick! He could be SO nasty! But just so you know: I feel no kinship towards Greg, so no one needs to go around calling Paulashawn names.

And I thought of another villain: or a villain fail: Plankton.

I can't be scared of a villain who is only the size of a peanut, even if he has an evil red eye.

Anyway, on to our winner! This month's winning week as selected by Random.org was week #3 on food that is icky, gross and gag-worthy. So the prize should be something along those lines, like a McDonald's gift certificate! Or a Burger King gift certificate! But no, I couldn't do that to you, so I went in search of fun Halloween food stuff. This is what I found:

It's a kit that has everything you need to make these Creepy Pizza Cookies. Your kids will be disgusted! And isn't that every mom's goal: to gross-out your kids? There's enough to make 8 little pizzas. And since I thought the winner would want something more grown-up as well, I wanted to get her something uncreepy and yummy. But since she doesn't like chocolate, I couldn't get her the most delicious kind of treats and instead had to get her this:

I do hope you like Werthers Missy, because you're the lucky un-chocolate winner! Comment #11 from week #3!
Since you are going to want to do those creepy pizzas like now, I will hurry and get them to the post office TODAY. Everyone is probably laughing at this, since you know that I'm slower with getting things mailed to you than UPS at Christmastime, but I will prove you wrong. Wahahaha! (That's my best evil laugh. How'd I do?)

Have a Happy Halloween everyone! See you on Nov 6th! Oh hey, isn't that kind of an important day too? We shall blog anyway--take time from watching the election coverage to stop in and say goodbye. (You can read whatever you want into that. I'm not telling you what I saw in my crystal ball. Ehhahahacacklecackelcackle. (How'd I do on my witches laugh? I thought it was pretty good myself.)

I Love To Hate You

Since we had so much fun talking about the creepy, gory, frightening and strange last week, let's do it again! But this time we won't talk about food: we'll talk about people! But not real people. Let's talk about characters. More specifically, let's talk about BAD GUYS.

(See, the blog title wasn't me saying something rude to my loyal readers. Way to get offended over nothing! If the blog post was going to be about my feelings towards you guys, it would say this: LOVE. And that is all.)

Do you remember back in the day when bad guys wore black and good guys wore white? Well no more! Not only can good guys go bad, bad buys can turn good, like this guy:

Gru wins my prize for the best villain who embraces the light (bright?) side. How can you not love Gru, even when he was mean?

Bad guys can also remain bad guys, but still be likeable. Like these guys:

My memory is a little faulty on this one, but I don't think they ever repent of their crimes, but still, you like, right?

But then there are bad guys who you just HATE, so much so that you have to respect them for provoking that kind of animosity even though they haven't done anything to you personally. This is the type of character who truly does not have a heart. The perfect example is this guy:

Fernand Mondego from The Count of Monte Cristo. I hate the guy and I feel no remorse for saying so. (Mostly because he's not real.)

There are villains who you actually enjoy because they are just so dang zany that you can't help but admire the level of their insanity. (Or is that just me, the crazy author lady, who admires insane people?) My favorite examples of bat guano crazy villains are the Joker, as played by Heath Ledger, the Grinch, as played by Jim Carrey, Cruella de Vil, as played by Glenn Close, and Bellatrix Lestrange as played by Helena Bonham Carter.

Honestly, crazy villains are always the most fun to watch, just because they are so unpredictable. Don't you have to wonder why the protagonist in movies/books with crazy villains don't just inject the villain with a dose of Clozaril? (Yes, I had to look that up. You don't need to be so worried that I automatically know what kind of medicine to give to schizophrenics. Jeez.)

Then there are creepy villains. I'll admit that I don't watch horror movies/read scary books, so you might not find that these guys make your skin crawl, but it's the best I can do. Voldemort made my skin crawl a time or two. (But obviously not enough to keep me from saying his name! Ha!) I remember watching the original Psycho and being rather creeped out by Norman Bates. I haven't showered since. (I actually think that would be an interesting story to write about--someone who has ablutophobia. Yes, I looked that up too. I'm scared of that word. It's not normal.) Creepiest villian:

Gollum. The dude's got some serious problems, likely including ablutophobia.

Do you know who most people think the best movie villain of all time is? This guy:

But you know what? He doesn't do it for me. I understand how the disfigurement works into the story and the fact that his identity is obscured allows for a later revelation (don't worry all you people that haven't seen Star Wars, I won't spoil it!), but when you can't see the villains expressions--and in particular, their eyes--they lose that connection with reality and therefore lose their credibility. I really wish George Lucas would have consulted with me on this before he went ahead and made trillions off this un-scary fella.

Which leads me to the final (and my favorite) type of villain: the sympathetic villain. This guy (or girl! Gosh I'm a chauvinist.) might have started out good, or at least we are shown through flashbacks a time when this person was nice and not naughty. And because this person was once good, we all have hope that they can be good again. Even while they are destroying the earth and causing calamities, the reader/viewer is still secretly hoping that the villain will fall to the ground and cry, "I'm sorry! So sorry! That was bad! I'll never do it again!" Do they repent and change their ways? Sometimes, but not always. I like this type of villain best because they are the most realistic. We never give up on people who have wronged us, do we? We always have hope that someday they will grovel at our feet and beg for forgiveness. (Or at the very least, tell us how right we were and how misguided they were.) The Grinch fits under this category as well, since we all know what causes his heart to shrink, but my very, very favorite villain is: 

Loki. I don't even hate him. Just love him. (His character, that is.) He fascinates me. You can see his pain and feel his insecurities. He is powerful and intimidating, but he is oh-so flawed. And that is what makes a perfect villain. I might also relate to him since I am the younger sibling. (Zing, Paulashawn--or should I call you Thor?) Actually though, having two boys just a year apart really brings the Thor-Loki relationship home. I live with that kind of jealousy/struggle for dominance. That relationship was masterfully captured in the Marvel movies, and hopefully the brawls that Thor and Loki got into will never be reenacted in my house. :)  And another Loki connection: look at his name. Now look at my name. Now back to me. What do you see? We're practically name twins! (Now that is creepy!)

So tell me: what villains do you love to hate?

And, it's the last week of the month, so come back Thursday for the monthly winner. Do you think the prize should be a Loki action figure? I do, and I want to win. 

And and, since it's Halloween the middle of next week and we'll all be too busy stealing chocolate from the kids handing out candy to the kids, no post next week. But! I'm going to be working on redesigning the blog and my stagnant website, so come for a visit towards the end of the weekish and see what's changed! 

OK, tell me who is the best/baddest/craziest/creepiest/most sympathetic/ anyothertypeofvillainImayhavenotmentioned. GO!

Waiter, There's An Eye In My Soup

October is a weird month, isn't it? The creepy, gory, frightening and strange are not only embraced, but handed to children on platters. See:

(Double the pun for double the fun!)

Meatloaf hand. You can find the instructions here in case you want to traumatize your family and make certain they never crave meatloaf again.

Not only can you nail your family with a creepy meal, you can also take finger foods to classroom parties and raise your popularity into the double digits:

What's that you say? Witches fingers aren't eye catching enough to be the winning pick for your Halloween party? These scary eyeballs are worth a second glance (just like Sally's house!). You might want to roll with it and give these babies a shot ...

...because they are made with Babybel cheese! Yes! We need healthy snacks on Halloween! Too much sugar can leave your little ones with an upset stomach. Then they might do this:

I've heard of pumpkin chucking before, but I've never knew that it meant pumpkin chucking. I thought it had something to do with catapults and propulsion rockets. But you don't need to call that poor little pumpkin a dip for making a mess like that: he's actually doing the earth a favor by going green.

And just in case that's not enough to turn your stomach, how about this one:

Blood worms, made with Jello. Do I look like all the blood has drained from my face because I feel like I am just inches away from going the way of the earth.

OK, I think I have made my point. (And I'm really fishing for puns.) We want our children to be kind, respectful, considerate, compassionate, degenerate, and cannibals. We always ask them if they have wax in their ears ...

(Yes, more edible yummieness. You must go see this blog. Unless you already ate lunch, then you might want to wait a bit.)

...but maybe it's because we are sending them mixed messages. We tell them not to play with their food, but what do you call creating all of these grotesque treats? PLAYING WITH FOOD! No wonder the rising generations are turning to drugs to erase all the damage inflicted by creative parents!

This really isn't a post about tearing Halloween to shreds like Freddy Krueger at a Tempur-Pedic factory outlet. It's possibly the longest, most indirect way to introduce a blog topic ever. I'm rather proud of myself for wasting your time like a mummy in a bathroom.

This post is really about the gross stuff we eat--or mostly about the stuff that we think is gross but that other people love. You know--the stuff that you'd rather die than eat.

My list of gross foods I can't stomach:

Seafood. Of any kind. I can occasionally take a small bite of fish if it is smothered in sauce--but I can never do lobster, crab, shrimp ... and sushi! If I was stranded on an island and was facing starvation, I would rather eat the leather off the volleyball than eat sushi!

Eggs. I do not like them scrambled, boiled, over easy, under easy, in a tree, or in a boat.

Venison. I can eat it ... especially if I don't know what it is, but once I'm told that I just ate Bambi, I get ready to make guacamole. I can't eat anything that I saw alive: like that squirrel that had been living in our tree all summer. When he finally got taken out, I just couldn't bring myself to cooking him up in a stew.

And now for foods that aren't foods or aren't meant for human consumption: have you ever eaten anything like worms or goldfish or something else really nasty you did on a dare?  The only thing like that I ever ate was dog food. When I was in college, some guys gave us a plate of snacks--like pretzel rolls and stuff. And dog food was mixed in. But it wasn't like they were telling us we were dogs (at least I hope that's not what it meant!), but it was done on a dorm prank day. We were blonde enough to forget it was prank day and we gobbled up the treats until we realized we were foaming at the mouth.

What food makes you want to bring out your witches wand so you can do a vanishing spell? And what food did you eat that should have remained in the witches cupboard?

Just Listed!

Just when I thought that every minute of footage ever recorded by a camcorder was on the Internet and I plan a blog post accordingly, I find that no, the internet only has stupid videos that no one wants to wants to waste their time watching, like this one:

 

Wow, that was AMAZING!

 

There is a four minute video of a safety cone, but the HGTV commercials I wanted to use are nowhere. It's like they were abducted by aliens and now some green guys from Mars are watching them instead of you. Sigh. I will just have to describe them to you; but hey! I'm a writer so that shouldn't be so hard, should it?

 So my favorite TV show is HGTV's House Hunters and House Hunters International. Some may say that watching strangers shop for a house is just about as boring as watching a safety cone, but I love houses! I love architecture, the decor, the color schemes, the locations. There is something interesting about every city across the world: even Butte, MT! I especially love House Hunters International, as it might be the only way I ever get to see the rest of the world. (Except for when Anne takes me on a Rhine River cruise.)

Anywho, House Hunters runs a series of commercials where the actors describe themselves as if they are a house on the market. For example, a bearded, burly man in flannel talks about himself as if he's a rustic log cabin in the woods. My favorite is a mom in a disastrously messy house and she says something along the lines of, "but on the inside, I'm still that same immaculate 4 bedroom colonial," and then she gets bonked in the head with a soccer ball.

Have you ever thought that houses are a reflection of who we are? Of course, if you are renting a cinder block apartment, that might not be the case, but when you buy a house, you search for something that is "you." This is especially true for any lucky soul who gets to build their dream home.

But for the rest of us living in the real world, sometimes our homes (or ourselves) are not quite as dreamy and perfect as we would like. But we have a lot of good to work with. So here is your challenge. You might need to think about it for a minute or two. Write a sales description as if YOU were a house that was just listed on the market. You need to tell us what style house you are, what your best features are, and any inadequacies the house may have. But! You want the house to sell, so you need to sugarcoat! Be nice to your house! So remember: you are describing YOU, not the place where you currently live. You are answering this question: if you were a house, what would you be like?

Here is my sales description:

Charming Craftsman Bungalow
Solid foundation, quality construction
Warm and inviting
Many creative, quirky nooks and crannies.
Showing some cosmetic signs of aging, but structurally sound
Bats/cobwebs abundant in the attic
Has nice curb appeal, but the front porch is sagging slightly
Cleans up well, but you must call before viewing!

OK, your turn. Sell me your house! 

Lost in Translation

Sometimes you stumble on something so funny that you have to share. You must watch this. Now. Before you read the rest of the blog. I will wait. (I hope you haven't seen it before as it is a few years old, but it is from overseas, so maybe it missed your radar too.)

Sheesh. Took you long enough. What'd you do? Go out for a sandwich?

I actually just shot myself in the foot by posting that first, didn't I? Nothing I can say will be funny now.

Now I must figure out how to tie that video clip into a blog topic. OK, here goes:

My teens are taking Spanish (it was actually their Spanish teacher who showed them that video. Yes, they watch Youtube in schools these days. I could be a teacher if all I had to do was cue up a video.) and I'm actually amazed with my brain (for once, instead of being disgusted with it for being dead. Or near dead.) when I can understand what they are saying. I took Spanish in high school, but I never excelled at it. A lot of odd phrases stuck, such as "tengo dolor de cabeza" and "tengo dolor de estomago." ("I have a headache" and "I have a stomachache," respectively. I guess I was a hypochondriac as a teenager.) Other odd phrases I have never forgotten are: "Que una ganga!" ("What a bargin!" You're supposed to say this when you are at Walmart.) and "Mi aerodeslizador está lleno de anguilas." ("My hovercraft is full of eels.") Just kidding on that last one. I just found it on a website and thought it was funny, and heaven knows I need help being funny. However, I do not know enough Spanish to actually hold a conversation, nor can I understand someone speaking Spanish fluently. But here's the good news: I've never NEEDED to speak Spanish. It's more likely that I have to translate Canadian than Spanish, as I'm just a few hours from the northern border. (If you don't believe me that you have to translate Canadian, then you've never been to Canada before. Now who's the one who is not well-traveled?

  (I must take a Rhine River cruise someday. MUST!)

I would like to learn Italian, French and German, just enough to be able to ask, "where is the bathroom?" and "does this come in my size?" and "I want to go home," so that I can travel Europe. I would also need help understanding certain English dialects. Am I the only one who has a hard time understanding really strong English accents? I have a hard time understanding hillbillies from the deep south too, but I don't think that's my problem. What accents are hard for you to understand?

I couldn't ever learn any of the Asian languages--I don't even think my mouth moves that fast. Is there any language you have tried to learn, but have failed miserably? Are there any catch phrases you say in a different language when you don't even know that language? I do say several random French phrases, thanks to all my high school friends taking French and not Spanish.

And do you know what this reminds me of? That scene in Generations where Ben speaks Italian and Kat doesn't know what he is saying. Aw. I miss those guys. Do you think it's about time that I got back to finishing their story?

Digame. En ingles, por favor.