The Best Winner

I'm late posting! So sorry. I might have picked watching Psych over posting a winner, but it was the Spanish Soap Opera episode, so can you blame me?

The prize this week is the BEST thing for keeping a positive attitude and remembering all the best things in life: A GRATITUDE JOURNAL. Have you guys ever tried keeping one? I did a few years ago and it really helped me to see all the BEST things in life. But then I got tricky and started writing, "Next year, I want to be grateful for ..." and it kind of ruined it. I thought I could get away with keeping all my goals and dreams in the same journal and it just didn't work. Anyway, this cute Tower of Pizza  Pisa journal and colorful pen set is for one lucky winner, and that winner is comment #6. DIDI!

I don't think you've ever won before, have you Didi? (That's what happens when you get old like me: you forget things. Like pants. I hate it when I forget to wear pants. Embarrassing!)

Didi, I have your address and I'll get this off in the mail to you. I know you'll fill its pages with beautiful, flowing words of greatness.

See everyone next week!

Best Wishes

Since winter is full of blahness, someone decided that this is the time of year to celebrate greatness. The Golden Globes, The Oscars, The Grammy's, The Bowl that I can't say is Super because it now has some sort of copyright attached to it: all these events happen during the bleck that we call late winter. (Or maybe it's because it takes awhile to tally all the results after the end of the year, but let's not over-think it here.) Did I just say bleck? Yes, I did, becuase guys- I AM SO DONE WITH WINTER AND ALL THE ILLNESSES THAT COME WITH IT. So sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. What I need right now is to think of all the good things in life, so we are having our own awards ceremony! Let's call it THE BEST. The best what you ask? The best of everything! Anything! Whatever!

Right now my favorite show is one that's been around for awhile, but for some reason it remained "unbeknownst" to me. (Maybe that reason has something to do with me living in Montana, away from society and stuck at home with children who get one illness after another.) LivingstonslifeinMontana told me I need to watch it and I'm madly in love.

The award for BEST TV Comedy goes to:

This show cracks me up, much like this crack up:

The award for Best Crack goes to this fellow, who shall remain nameless (and faceless.)

And the award for Best Photographer goes to my brave niece, who snapped this photo in Chinatown. She then asked the fellow if he had any sesame seeds. (At least I hope that's what she said to him, because I totally would have and I know she wants to be just like me.)

The award for Best New Band goes to Royal Teeth.We just got to see them play and they are incredibly talented. Listen to their song "Wild" on the top right side of my toolbar. Here's a picture from the show. They made me an honorary band member. Yes! Really! (No, not really.)

What do you think of those two cutie patooties on the right side Caitlin? Oh, wait I can't ask Caitlin because she's about to become a Sister. No, not a nun. The other Sister. A Sister Missionary! Good luck Caitlin! We will miss you.

The award for Best Wallpaper goes to the Elk's Club in Missoula. That paper's got it going on!

The award for Best New Album goes to this guy:

This CD melts in your ears like ooey gooey chocolate fondue, complete with a wide variety of dippers. And the best part: it's completely fat free! (I'm now writing iTunes reviews, FYI. Find me under the screen name IMightNotKnowWhatI'mTalkingAboutButIKnowDeliciousnessWhenIHearIt.

The award for Best Screen Name goes to: ME!

The award for Best Dress goes to this dress, which is not from the Oscars, but is from 1906 and was worn by a famous opera singer. My heronie in my new book in the making is going to wear it. And no, she is not an opera singer. Isn't it beoootiful?

What are the things you love right now? Best snack food? Best pin on Pinterest? Best jeans? Best baby item? Best car? Best thing to laugh at on the Internet? Share your "bests" in any category.

And ...this is the last week of February. (Thank you February for being so short. I couldn't handle another day of you.) That means this is prize week. I'm going to break the rules and tell you THIS IS THE WINNING WEEK, meaning, if you want to be a winner you'll have to leave me a comment LIKE NOW. 

When Good Appendix Go Bad

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog post to inform you that there will be no regularly scheduled blog post this week. But never fear: I will be back with a post next week-- assuming I don't have anymore children who decide they would like to have extra appendages removed from their bodies. (If that sounded weird maybe it's because I haven't slept in 36 hours or maybe it's because I was trying be clever instead of just saying that child #3 just had his appendix out and is in hospital.) See ya next week kind, caring friends of mine. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Come Here Often?

It all began in the Garden of Eden. Adam was minding his own business, planting rows of bland vegetables, when this beautiful woman appeared out of the thin air. Knowing that he needed to act quickly before another unclothed fellow snatched her up, he said, "Hey, want to come for dinner tonight? I thought we could share some ribs."

Ah ha. Ha. 

Did you know that the there are more pick-up lines out there than there are cockroaches? It's true. Even if you're not a part of the dating scene, I'm sure you've heard enough to make you want to call the Exterminator. (He's single BTW. And he wears a uniform.) 

Not all pick-up lines are created equal.

There's the sleazy/cheesy:

Do you drink milk? 'Cause it sure did your body good.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

You can't break my heart because it melted when I first saw you.

You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?

Then there's semi-cute/funny:

Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.

You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

 Do you like raisins? How about a date? 

Then there's the clever/might just work: 

Date me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gertrude? (I know one person that this line wouldn't work on. Yes Grandma Gerdy, I'm talking about you.)

Do you think I need my library card? 'Cause I'm checking you out.

Here I am: what are your other two wishes?

Then there's the ones you'll laugh at if you are a Mormon/know a Mormon/want to date a Mormon:

What's a Celestial girl doing in a Telestial place like this?

I just got off my mission and I’m looking for my next companion.

The 13th Article of Faith requires me to ask you out. ("If there is anything virtuous, lovely or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.")


And lastly, there's the ones that can't be found on Google because I'm going to make them up. These are the lines that I would like to hear this Valentine's Day:


Do you have a broom I could borrow? I want to sweep your floor.

I bought you bag of Dove Strawberry Creme Swirls.

Can I comb your hair?

Would you like to take a nap?

Hey, the house is really quiet. Do you want to spend the next hour writing?

I just sold all the animals and/or children.

As you can see, I'm not the hopeless romantic I proclaim to be, but those are the lines that really pick me up!

(Have you guys tried these? They are oh-so yummy! Hurry and buy a bag or two and stash them under your mattress. A real princess won't be able to tell when there's chocolate under 

her mattress, I promise.)

What pick-up lines have you heard that make you laugh, gag, or slap someone in the face? If you can't think of any off the top of your pretty little head, by all means, Google them, BUT make sure you type in "clean" pick-up lines! My one about sweeping the floor is as dirty as we are going to get around here! We don't want anyone's eyeballs popping out, OK? And then, THIS IS A MUST, write some pick-up lines you would like someone to use on you. You ready to share some love? Go, go go!

Stupid Cupid

Can you guys smell that? It's love and it's in the air.

In case you don't know what love smells like, it's a combination of these two things:

Chocolate and Roses. Mmm. 

Speaking of roses, I saw these online last week:

 

Since when did rainbows start vomiting roses? These look like they belong in The Capitol on Hunger Games. Me no likey. (But if you happen to like them and would like to order them for your significant other, you may click here and for just $119.00, you can have 24 of these freaks of nature. If you would like a discount, enter the code LORIISFULLOFCRAP at the checkout.) 

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: ROMANCE, or more specifically DATING. Since it's that time of the month year, I thought it would be fun if we all reminisced a little about what happens when good dates go bad. 

Have any of you guys had a really bad date? A super-awful date? I'm sure you guys will all blow me out of the water on this one, because my stories are kinda lame, although they were painful at the time. 

1. My very first date was with a guy who was in love with my BFF. Said BFF had a serious boyfriend and was unavailable for further romance, so this chap picked the second best thing to BFF--me. And then he proceeded to talk about BFF and ask questions about BFF THE ENTIRE DATE. Oh yeah, it was awesome. Thankfully I have forgotten his name otherwise I might have named a fictional villain after him.

2. My very second date--the night after the first date--was with another chap who was also in love with said BFF. NO KIDDING! While this chap was much nicer and more discrete with his inquires about BFF, it was still clear that had BFF been available for a date, I would have been siting home alone that night. 

Those two dates did wonders for my self esteem. It is also a wonder that I ever went on another date. 

 

Then there was the date that didn't end:

 

3. In college, some guy followed me in his Jeep in the parking lot. He said, "Hey, I'll give you a ride to your car and then I can have your parking spot." And foolish naive me said, sure. Then he said, "I've seen you around. You have such and such class at this time and such and such class at that time."  I don't think the term "stalker" had been coined back in those days, so I didn't think that. I thought, "Wow this guys likes me and not my BFF." So I accepted his offer for a date later that week. 

The date was 4 wheeling in his Jeep. ALL DAY LONG. In the wilderness. ALONE. Now that I think about it, this is terrifying! I could have ended up on a milk jug. My daughter will be much wiser than this, although a thing for Jeeps does run in the family so that might be her one weakness. Anyway, nothing bad happened, but we 4 wheeled for 5 hours. And then we went to a long dinner. And then went to meet his friend. And then he wanted to go to a movie. And finally I was like JUST TAKE ME HOME! Sadly, he was as boring as a fly and didn't talk much at all. I think he might have been related to Norman Bates. Also a good thing I forgot his name because I would hate to Google it and find out that he became a serial killer. 

So there you have it. There's my boring misadventures in dating. What stories do you have to tell? 

And, on a related note, if you like reading real love stories, go check out JazznJenna's blog. She's sharing chapters from her book The Falling Part--which is all about the many times she fell head over heels. Go check it out!