Get A Job

Yo! S'up homegurls? (Have you ever realized that there's only so many original ways to start a blog post?)

Speaking of originality, do you know what 6 out of 7 people say when I tell them I'm an author? "Oh, maybe you'll be the next Stephenie Meyer!" The only comfort I find in this statement is that in the past, she was told that maybe she would be the next JK Rowling. It also makes me wonder if people tell JJ Abrams that maybe one day he'll be the next George Lucas.

 But none of that has anything to do with today's post. I just thought you should know about my pet peeve before you go and make me all peevish when you introduce me to your friends as "the next Stephenie Meyer." Which, thank you for putting me in the same league, but no thank you.

Today's post has to do with what the other 9 out of 10 people say when I tell them I'm an author. "Oh how fun!" I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but being an author really isn't "fun." It's certainly rewarding and fulfilling ... and sometimes downright enjoyable. But mostly, it's a lot of hard work. And a lot of anxiety.

I'll admit, writing used to be fun when it was just a hobby. But the moment I started putting my writing out there for honest and blunt critiques, it became a roller coaster ride of a relationship. I've had critiques that have had me so crippled that I second-guess every word I type. The one that said that I don't appear to "have an exceptional command of the English language" was particularly painful. If  English was my second language, I would have taken that as a compliment. I've had days (MANY days) where I've cried my eyes out and sworn that I'd never write again. But separating me from my overactive imagination is like separating oil from water. Oh wait, I guess that's the wrong analogy. It's like separating the peanut butter filling from the chocolate coating of a Reese's PB cup. It could be done, but it would be messy. And pointless.

Now that I've published books, there's also a lot of busywork that needs done. It takes a TON of time to get your book listed everywhere it needs to be, plus asking for reviews and tons of edits and so on and not so forth. So while the writing, in and of itself, can be amusing and gratifying, being an author is work. It's a job that is just as hard and real as any other out there.

There are jobs out there that I would consider fun. Like working at a circus. Actually, being part of the circus would be the fun job. Being a pooper scooper wouldn't be. Working at a Chuck E Cheese would be fun. Oh no, wait: I mean playing at a Chuck E Cheese would be fun. (If you are under the age 10.) I'm drawing a complete blank on other jobs that could be considered fun. What jobs do you guys think could be considered fun?

I feel like I'm being angsty. I'm not saying I hate my job. Not at all (at least not today)! I'm just trying to help clear up misconceptions related with my line of work. It's the same kind of misconception that people have with stay at home moms, who are lucky to not have to "work."

Speaking of hating jobs though ... have you ever had a job that you really hated? The one job that I couldn't tolerate was working at Little Caesars Pizza when I was 17. That smell didn't leave my nose for at least 6 months after I quit--and I only worked there for a few months. It was hot, messy and I think they use glue instead of gluten in the dough because it would only wash off my skin if I exfoliated with shark's teeth.

Where have you worked? What jobs have you loved/hated? Have you had a job that was pure FUN?

AND ... this will be the winning week for April. I'll tell you the prize right now, so you don't have to have any sleepless nights wondering what you could win. It's a paperback copy of The Reign of Trees. Finally! It will available for purchase on Amazon starting next Monday ... but YOU could be the first to win it! AND AND, I'm going to select 2 random winners this week, just because I'm nice like that.

But wait! There's more! I have a special project that I will be announcing on Thursday, so even if you don't care about winning, (that means you WANT to be a loser. Hmm, are you OK with that?) come back on Thursday to see what I'm up to. OK? OK!

A Real Hum Zinger

Did you know that in the brain, near the frontal lobe, is a special section that stores one-liners from movies. It's called the Zinger? Once a good one-liner is heard, it is stored in the Zinger and can never, ever be forgotten. The one-liners are then ready to be used at a moment's notice, and are most often used in an otherwise perfectly normal, intelligent conversation. There is no controlling when the one-liner is discharged, which can oftentimes make the conversation turn awkward, as the one-liner might not always be recognizable nor understood.

My Zinger contains many one-liners from Disney movies and the Princess Bride. In fact, I think my Zinger contains the entire Princess Bride script. I know, that's INCONCEIVABLE! The lines I say/think the most are:
No more rhymes, this time I mean it! (Anybody want a peanut?)
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!
... And many more, which I'm sure I've already blessed you with reciting on the blog.
I'll spare you all the Disney Zingers, except for the one I think the most:
You are a sad, strange little man
The Little Rascals movie also has many lines tucked away in my Zinger.
I'm warming up my vocalizer. 
Then the clouds opened up and God said, "I hate you Alfalfa!"
And of course, I'll sell you my pickle for a nickle.
There are one-liners in my mind from movies I haven't even seen the entire way through:
I want my two dollars!
It's just a flesh wound. 
There's my go-to Zinger when I need to look at things more positively:
So you're saying there's a chance. 
There are the Zingers that have to be said with accents I can never duplicate:
You will not sneeze or barf or fart. 
Light Bulb
And These are my recreational clothes.
Then there's the Zingers that come from shorts on You Tube, like:
I'm in a yot of touble
And most recently:
I can't go back. It's so cold!
(That one you might have to watch.)

Were all the lines from my Zinger familiar to you or did it sound like I was quoting gibberish? How about your Zinger? Is it overflowing with knowledge or does it have a better filter on it than mine? Will you let us take a peek inside? It's for science!

And speaking of Despicable Me (2), can this just hurry up and get here already?! And my son should be proud his name is in this. He's famous!

It's the last week of the month and you know what that means: it means there should be a prize this week. BUT! I have something special in store and it's not ready yet, so we are going to wait and do the prize next week. I'll make it extra special since I'm making you wait for it and I might even give away more than one. I'll give you a hint what the prize is going to be: it rhymes with paperback. Yes, I'm giving away Elizabeth Hasselbeck! Wahoo! Or maybe it doesn't rhyme with paperback ... maybe it is a paperback. You'll just have to wait and see. But don't wait on sharing your one-liners. Do that right now. Go, go, go!

Can You Cheat a Fool?

Hello friendlies. I know your thoughts and prayers are with the people affected by the Boston Bombing, as are mine. Keep calm and carry on! BTW, did you know the history of that saying? Kinda cool that a failed propaganda slogan from 74 years ago has caught on like wildfire in our generation. It gives me hope that the awful, terrible, embarrassing book that I wrote 10 years ago will catch on in another 64 years. But I'll tell you more about that later--maybe next weekish.

We're going to do something short and simple this week, but it's something that I think will be super fun. Let's play the game Two Truths and a Lie!

In case you haven't played before, (do you live under a rock? Or under The Rock? That'd be weird.) here's the basic instructions: everyone has to come up with 3 statements about themselves; two statements are the unadulterated truth, and one is an all out lie.  Then we all guess which statement is the lie.

Since we're aren't all on the blog at the same time (Hey! There's an idea. Why don't we schedule an actual blog party and all come at the same time and chat? I'll bring the white chocolate popcorn.) you'll need to come back a few times. You'll want to guess other people's answers and then you'll want to come back sometime late Wednesday or on Thursday and tell us if we guessed right.

Many of us have never met, and some people we only see face to face once every few years, but we've all gotten to know each other here on the blog--which is very heartwarming and very awesome--so we should all know enough about each other to tell who has their pants on fire, right? And ... if you do know someone so well that you instantly know their lie, just skip theirs and place your bets on the other lists. OK?

Here's my list:

1. I chipped a tooth eating a candy bar I'd left in the freezer and was too desperate for chocolate to wait for it to thaw.
2. I skinny-dipped in mixed company at a family gathering. Clothes and towels left lying on the lawn were stolen by a tricky trickster.
3. I gave a friend a bottle of hairspray to use even though I knew it wasn't really hairspray but instead it was greasy skin lotion. Her hair looked like an oil slick. She didn't laugh.

Your turn. Come on and lie to me!

1040 4 ME-Z

Hey! In case you missed last week, Paulashawn did our guest post. It's never too late to join the conversation. Say hello to her, will ya?

It's tax time! Do you have finances on the brain? (Not fiance's. Those are a lot more fun and bring fonder memories than finances, but alas, we are speaking of drudgery today.) Are you feeling your wallet shrink? Are you giving up on your million-dollar dreams? Yeah? Me too.

Image from this site.

When you have a lot of mouths to feed (and some of my kids have more than one mouth. And more than one stomach.), sometimes the things you WANT get put on a someday-but-not-today list. Don't get me wrong: sacrificing for your family is a good thing, but we still need something to discuss here, don't we? So what if you had a little bit of extra money that was ALL YOURS? Here's what I would do:

If I had an extra $5, I would by a yummy trail mix with some sort of mixture of chocolate, caramel and nuts.
If I had an extra $50, I would get take-out for dinner. (The kids might think it's a treat for them, but it's really to give me a night off cooking.)
If I had an extra $100, I would buy new jeans or running shoes, depending on whichever looked more flattering.
If I had an extra $500, I would buy a new laptop. Since my old one is limping along still, this can't be on the "needs" list yet.
If I had an extra $1000, I would buy maid service for the next six months or so.
If I had an extra $5000, I would take that trip to a tropical local.

There you go. That's $6605 and your windfall for the day. How would you spend it?

The rules: the $6605 must be spent on something primarily for you. Don't spend it all in one spot. Don't donate to charity. (Mostly because it would make me look bad.) (Also because we'll do that for another post someday.) And don't go in the red! Tell me, how will you spend your small fortune?

Pranky Panky

We have a blog post! A GUEST blog post! I'm so excited, especially since I've been begging her to do a post since the blog started back in 1893. And especially since we all want to know more about what makes Paulashawn Paulashawn. Paula is often called FOXY, and not just because she is one hot momma, but because she is sly, tricky and ... dare I say it? Cunning! (But in a good way ... you'll see.) Take it away Paula!

 

The day after April Fool's. My day of guilt. Actually, I have many days of guilt each year - all over the sinister activities I create and carry out at the expense of others. For some reason, my 'natural' woman temptations bring me sheer delight when I conceive of them and make them happen. Sadly, some of them bring remorse.

 

Like the two I just pulled on my friend and co-teacher in Primary. It was her turn to teach last week and it was also our ward conference. An hour before our 9:00 church I texted her, "the Primary pres. got a hold of you right? She wants you to teach a different lesson today." Of course she didn't look at her text until she was out the door. We both pulled up at the church at the same time and she got out of her car practically yelling, "I can't believe I just got the message about our lesson! What am I supposed to do about it now? I'm going to look like an idiot!" I said, "April Fool's is a week away!" and she blurted out, "You jerk!" Hours later she asked me to define "terrorist" for her boys.

 

So yesterday I woke up remembering the great prank I pulled on E the week before and wished I would have saved it for the day before April Fool's. And then inspiration struck. I quickly got my phone out and texted her, (from out of state on vacation) "I totally forgot that I said I would play the piano in Primary today - can you 1 finger it for me? My schedule has been so crazy that I forgot." (she slightly plays the piano.) She texted back, "Sure! No prob. Have a peaceful vacation and a nice Easter." I wrote back, 'Happy Day before April Fool's!" I didn't hear back from her, so I called her a bit later. I said, "Are you practicing the piano right now?" She wasn't and was hardly ready to go and needed to leave in 15 minutes. She said, "I don't even know what songs they are singing today." I asked her if she had seen my last text about it being April Fool's Eve. Again I was called a jerk. She said, "I didn't think you'd do something like that after last week." I couldn't believe that she'd believe me again after last week.

 

But that one made me feel a little more guilty than I like. She was so nice to take a burden from me and wish me happiness. I was so rude!

 

What pranks have you pulled off? How do you feel after doing them? Where do you get your ideas?

 

 

My husband says I have a dark gift. I do delight in pranking others, that's for sure. I wish you had more time and I'd recall some more of them with you. Here's a picture of my guilt free and flowing laughter prank from today. These are the good ones. But the ones that mess with your mind are the really fun ones. I'm sorry I have such a dark side. Have I ever pranked you? 

 

Please share your ideas and your fun. But do remember - this is a family-friendly blog. All readers should feel safe reading/viewing all things here -- right Lori?!  

You really think I'm going to let you get the last word Paula? Are you implying that I post inappropriateness? I would call you a jerk, but it sounds like your friend already has. (Teehee. That was mean. Sorry.) And BTW, toilet paper is supposed to go over, not under.