It's Hip to Not Care

Oh hello blog. I'm surprised you didn't vanish into the great abyss of the internet this past month while I have been MIA. ... Or did you?

I've been busy typing away on a new story. I sort of love it right now and I hope someday you will sort of really love it too! But in the meantime, I've been thinking about something:

Did you know I'm socially awkward? If you don't know this about me, it's only because you've never met me before. But since society has not only accepted nerds, but put them on a pedestal and labeled them HIP(sters), it seems to me that being socially awkward (or being a geek, as we called it back in the 80's) should be the new extrovert.

That's right: being an extrovert (aka popular and likeable) is no longer en vogue. (See how hip I am? I knew to type "en" instead of "in." Yay me!) If you are one of these friendly, gregarious types, you are going to need to switch to the now more-accepted and trendy introvert disposition. But don't worry: I'm here to help you every step of the way.

Here's my guide to being socially awkward:

1. If you see someone you know vaguely in the grocery store, by all means avoid them. Do not make eye contact! An extrovert would say "hi" and engage in friendly conversation, but remember you are no longer an extrovert. If necessary, hide your face in the deep freezer to avoid contact.

2. Although you don't want to be friendly enough to say hello, you should always, always wave back at people, even if you might not know the person initiating the wave. It's always best to return a wave when you are in a crowded location, especially when there are people standing near you who might actually be the intended recipient of said wave. And please make sure your wave isn't a simple palms up, like giving an air five. Make sure your hand looks like it is suffering from an unexpected spasm.

3. When it is necessary to speak with someone--especially someone you admire--make sure you mix up your words as often as possible. Instead of saying "Thank you," say "thankS you," or instead of saying "will do," say "will done." Don't politely shoot the breeze about the breeze (or lack thereof, or whatever the current weather condition); always discuss deeper topics, like, "Have you heard about Pluto? It's a planet again. What a comeback for the underdog, eh?" (It's also socially awkward [and therefore cool] to speak like a Canadian even if you aren't from Canada.)

4. Whenever possible, allow for long, awkward pauses in any (and all) conversations. It is also acceptable not to reply if someone is talking directly to you. Just say, "Oh sorry, I wasn't paying attention to you."

5. Reference bacon frequently.

6. Never compliment. Instead of telling someone they look nice, say, "You look tired. Didn't you get any sleep last night?" or "You're really packing it on. How much weight have you gained this week?" Also acceptable: "You would look nice wrapped in bacon."

7. Good manners are no longer necessary in order to be a part of the socially awkward revolution. You may shovel your food into your mouth with both hands. You may chew with your mouth open. You may also blow your nose loudly when in public. There's no need to stress out over perfectly normal bodily functions which were once deemed impolite or even gross. Just let your body do what it wants to do! Picking your nose, however, is only acceptable when you are in your car.

8. Every once in a while, wear an item of clothing backwards or inside out. Underclothing does not count, as it cannot be seen.

9. If you want to have clout in your community, spread word you are developing a bacon-themed video game.

10. Talk to Siri more than you talk to "real" people.

*I have tried many of these steps myself, but not all. I cannot claim to be perfectly socially awkward, but give me another ten years living like a hermit in the woods and I might achieve the pinnacle of social imperfection.

What tips do you have to help others become more socially awkward? If you are currently an extrovert, perhaps it would help you to think of someone you may know who has exhibited exemplary awkwardness, or perhaps you could mention the opposite of what your past amicable self would do. Share your inner (or outer) nerd with us!

This IS a winning week (or month or whatevs) so make sure you comment by next Tues. the 28th and I will announce a winner on Weds. the 29th. What will you win? Nobody knows! Not even me! We will all be pleasantly surprised, won't we? 

And BTW: I've missed each and every one of you (Yes, even the spambots! And the autobots! But not the decepticons.) and I hope all is well with all of y'all this fall! <3