No More Doom and Gloom and Ghouls and Goblins: The Month is Over and We Have A Winner. (AKA The Longest Blog Title Ever.)

Winner! Winner! Winner!

That's about all I have the brainpower to say because ... yeah ....

I've learned that Halloween is designed to actually kill parents, or at the very least, make them look like the undead. So don't expect any amusement from me whatsoever, as it seems my brain is in a dish somewhere for children to feel and get grossed out and try to guess if it's just spaghetti, or in fact, a real, live -- er, um DEAD--brain. (Hey why doesn't blogger let you do em-dashes? Why has no one ever addressed this issue? Please tell me I'm not the only one annoyed by this.)

Anywhichway, we have a winner!

Random.org selected week #2, about Halloween Costumes. 

And then ... Random.org again selected something totally random: comment #6 from that week.

The prize is thus:

Which would look fabulouso in a hurricane vase, but then I realized NO WAY was I going to ship glass across the country, so it is vase-less, which is better than being bra-less, so it is like it is and you're just going to be happy to get something snappy, right MARY? That's right MARY, you're the next winner on BLOGAWAY. Oh yay! And happy day!

And totally ironic that I could have gotten the vase since I don't have to ship it to my neighbor Mary, but oh well. C'est le vie. Or so I'm told. Mary, you do have a vase you can use, don't you? If not I will get busy with my glass-blower and make you one. (Disclaimer: that was a lie.) 

I know where to find you, Mary. The rest of y'all, have a very happy Scare Day! See ya next week!

Fear Factors

It's a beautiful, sunshiney week here in my neck of the woods; how's life in your sector of the States? Hopefully it's not all dark and spooky and crawling with all sorts of shape-shifting creatures and shoplifting teachers. (Yeah, I don't know what that means either, but I get bonus points for rhyming,   don't I?) And if your forest was crawling with shoplifting teachers, would you be too afraid to go outside? I would, especially if I owned a large collection of designer shoes.

Has there ever been a time when something went bump in the night and you were terrified? Have you experienced the true terror that makes you go like this:

In case you haven't seen these photos yet (um, hello--where've you been? They're even 

more popular than grumpy cat these days.) you can find some right here.

This is what we call Sheer Terror and it's one of those rare moments when your brain completely shuts down and the only thing you can think is "AHHHHHHHHH!"  I experienced this that time Paulashawn hid in the back of my dark car and slowly emerged while driving down the road. It could have ended badly for both of us, but especially for the girl who was in the trunk, not wearing a seat belt. But we averted disaster when my brain finally regained function and went to the next phase: revenge, which has been served slightly cold here on the blog for the past two years.

Then there's Holy Horror, which is when you quickly say a prayer, thinking it will be your last as you see your life flash before your eyes. I've had this happen twice, and both times it was child-birth related. The first was with child #1 (who is now a man! Look at him! Isn't he handsome?)

(He's not satisfied with most his senior pictures, as he was squinting against the BRIGHT Montana sun. He thinks he's looks Chinese, which is ironic because when he was born, the DR. asked if the mailman was Chinese. I never met the mailman. Honest.)

Anyway, the anesthetist (I'm sorry if that caused me to spittle on you when I typed that word) missed and the fluid went somewhere it didn't belong and my blood pressure fell off the chart and I thought, "I'm going to be one of the .01% who die from an epidural!" I don't think I even had time to repent before they got me back to normal. Phew. And then, with child #5, something went wonky with the anesthesia again, (my medical terminology is indubitable) but this time it was as they prepped me for a c-section, and my heartbeat slowed to 30 beats a second. I could hear the sloooow beep ......... beep .......... beep and I thought, "Oh my poor hubby. How is he going to take care of all these kids by himself?" And then they fixed me and I was able to go back to living my old heathen ways.

Then there's Mommy Fear, which happens anytime you worry your children might be having a holy horror experience. This happens to me anytime I hear an ambulance and my children (especially the teenagers) are off in a different direction. This also happens any time I get a phone call from the teens that begins with, "So I was driving and ...."

Next is the Oh Hubby Dear, which happens when you fear your hubby's life is in peril, which it may very well be. This happens frequently, like when he goes on the 50 mile hike a day late and needs to hike 20 miles in one day, by himself, to catch up." But no, you don't need to worry dear wife, because I have my trusty Spot and I will send you a signal every hour so you can follow my progress." Which is great, until the updates stop coming after 6 hours. So you stay up all night thinking your husband and his Spot are in the belly of a bear, because why else would he stop sending Spot signals half-way through the day? Come to find out the Spot, but not the hubby, fell in the river and floated downstream to Hungry Horse. There's other times you can experience Oh Hubby Dear, like when you get the phone calls that begin with, "So how many bones are in your leg? ... And can you still walk if one of them is broken?"

I think life is plenty scary without zombies and goblins and headless shoplifting teachers and all, don't you? Tell me about all the different times you've experience FEAR in all its forms. I'll be waiting right here, biting my nails and watching my hair turn gray. Go ahead, scare me!

This is a public service reminder that would be ticking across the bottom of your screen if only I had the time to figure out how to master such a technical wonder to remind you that this month's prize will be announced next Tuesday, the 28th. Thank you for your support.

What in the Heck?

With the approaching fun, yet somewhat morbid, celebration of All Hallows Eve, aka Night of the Living Dead, aka Auditions for the Zombie Apocalypse, aka The Night Jenna Dislikes, aka The Night Lori Should Repent of Her Teasing, aka Halloween, it seems like the perfectly reasonable time to think about something unthinkable. Something unspeakable. Something that will get me in trouble with my kids--for swearing. Quick, everyone cover your ears!

We are going to talk about H.   E.   Double hockey-sticks.

More specifically, let's talk about Dante's Inferno.

This a real, live place called Door to Hell in Turkispakishstanish. It is not on my bucket list of dream destinations. It scares me. I'm going to have nightmares. No, you may not interpret nightmares about Lori going to the Door to Hell, thank you very much!

You remember reading Dante's Inferno in high school, right? (Devree, this should still be fresh in your mind! And no, not because you are a heck-child, but because you were in high school more recently than the rest of us.) I don't know why this piece of literature stuck with me when not a lot else did, but I found this piece fascinating.

So this fella, Inferno, goes on a journey (wait, I think I got that backwards. It was Dante, not Inferno. My bad!) to the center of the Earth with Brenden Fraser and Josh Hutcherson in search of dinosaurs or something or other, but instead, finds the 9 circles of HELL. At the gate to hell (BTW, my older siblings all attended a high school called HELLGATE. Yikes. That would be a scary place to get an education!) he saw a sign that said, "Fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on the other guy." (No, it really said ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE. I don't think I would have gone in, would you?)

Dante proceeds through the 9 circles and learns of the different sins and their accompanying punishments, like souls being blown about in a fierce windstorm, without ever resting. Fascinating, yes?

Well guess what? You don't have to travel to the center of the Earth to find the 9 circles of hell. Yes, some of them are right here on the surface! But, most of these are not everlasting, and we do have the opportunity to run away from said heckness whenever we want, so we are going to need to use our imaginations. Let's pretend that these 9 circles are real, and that once you get inside the circle you can never leave, never sleep--never get respite from the circle.

Here's mine:

Circle #1 Flat-ab-u-less: (You see what I did there?) Being forced to look at internet pictures of mothers with amazing abs and explanations of how you, too, can get these abs with only 10 minutes a day (even if you've had 20 kids!)
Circle #2 Gluteny: Being forced to eat only bread and rolls with no fruits, no fiber, no almonds. 
Circle #3  Annoyingnessness: One song looping continuously, and that song is "What Does The Fox Say."
Circle #4 Gloomy Roomy: Nonstop rain and gray, stormy skies
Circle #5 Miley Cyrus: Miley Cyrus
Circle #6 Authorlessless: Have a plethora of wonderful story ideas, but the inability to form words into coherent sentences. And stuff.
Circle #7 Crabby Mommydom: having at least one of your 5 children complain about EVERY meal you slave over.
Circle #8 Trickle-Stream Netflicks: streaming so slow that you can't watch all your favorite shows, including White Collar.
Circle #9 Endless Laundry Land: it never ends.

This is in refrence to Circle #1. I like pictures of Redneck Abs much better.

What kinds of things make you feel like you are living in your own personal bad place, especially if you were forced to relive it over and over and over again? Will you take me through your 9 circles of hell? And will you forgive me for typing that damning word so many times? But, 'tis the season, no?

Also, just FYI, I'm doing a teeny tiny schedule change. There's 5 weeks of October, and who needs to hear from me 5 times this month? (I talk to my family 6 times a month and they think that's WAY too much.) So, next week will be the last post for the month BUT, I'll post the winner on the following Tuesday (the 29th) instead. I'll keep with that schedule for the rest of the year, so 3 weeks of posts and one week of winning. That should work well with the lighter, fluffier, but more filling holidays which are forthcoming in the foreseeable future. O-kazay?

Never Trick, Only Treat

Do you love October? Is you answer YES? Then keep reading! (If your answer was NO, keep reading!)

My kiddos love October, and say that Halloween is their second favorite holiday, right behind Christmas. (Personally, I prefer Nunavut Day, but maybe that's just me. What, you don't know what Nunavut Day is? Well, then you must not be very Canadian, eh. (BTW, did you know they have a holiday practically every month in Canada? I just don't understand why US Congress is debating budget things when they could be finding ways to get us more holidays! DUH! There's something so wrong with our government.) Oh oops, I need another ) right here) to show that I ended that first sub-thought which then became another sub-thought. Was that last thought also a sub-thought, thus requiring more of these ((( and these )))?

(My blog would be a lot shorter and therefore easier to read if I could just stay on track!) Anywaywearetalkingabout: OCTOBER! My kids are aflutter with excitement. (No joke, one of my children flutters. It is a fabulous phenomenon which I don't know how to rectify.) Of course Halloween is fun for the kids, what with getting candy from strangers and what not, but I do think it's fun for us old people too. (Anything that makes my kids happy makes me happy!) It is a time to be silly and live out subdued fantasies.

I'll admit that I don't usually dress up for Halloween. I'm usually so exhausted trying to put stuff together for the kids (and making treats for parties and celebrating Teen #2's birthday  (He's a Halloweenie!)) that I consider myself lucky to have normal make-up on. Last year, I went all out and dressed up as Pam (from The Office) for Halloween. All I had to do was wear a cardigan, skirt and flats. Most people just thought I looked really nice for a casual activity like Trick-or-Treating. This year, the kids are being Minions, so I'm considering being either Gru or Agnes.

My favorite costume from when I was a kid was when mom made me a princess costume that was silky green with sequins around the neckline. It was cold that year (surprise, Montana!) and I chose to wear my puffy parka underneath my gown, so people could still see the dress. I might have looked like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man gone moldy.

My second (and third) favorite costumes were not worn by me, but by my parents. My dad dresses up for Halloween like never, so I don't know what kind of deal my mom made to get him in this costume, but it was THE CUTEST. They were Raggedy Ann and Andy. Aw, sweet! (Pictures do exist. I need to raid mom's photo albums next time I go home.)

I'm a sucker for any kind of fluffy animal costume for wee little children, and it makes me a wee bit sad I don't have any littles to wear these costumes. The teenagers might object if I try to dress them up as a puppy and an otter again.

I also like clever costumes like a picture of a quarter taped to your back. (Quarterback) and smarties glued to your pants (Smartie ... oh, you can figure it out, can't you?)

If I decide to go all out this year or the next or the next, I think it would be fun to be Ms. Havisham.

Helena-Bonham Carter always has the COOLEST costumes. I wonder if she dresses up for Halloween? 

My dream costume would be to "borrow" Lady Curzon's famous peacock dress, which weighed 10 pounds and was made from gold cloth, peacock feathers (surprise!) and the wings of scarab beetles (not a fan of that part, but what can you do? Pick them all off? Don't think so.)

 You can see more pics and read about the dress here.

How about you? What's your favorite costume you've ever worn? Favorite costume you've seen someone else wear? Dream costume? How about this year: what are you going to be? What will your kids/ roommates/ rodents be?

Discuss, discuss (but please, do not cuss!).

You're an Animal!

I'm sure all of you have taken a personality test at some point along the road of life. Why do we take these? To prove that we do, in fact, have a personality? It is kind of silly when you think about it that we try to classify everyone into certain groups when our very fingerprints remind us that no two people are ever the same. But, I do find psychology fascinating and I do think the certain aspects of personality typing can be helpful, both for figuring out your own MO, as well as as well as the MO's of those you associate with, IMHO.

I have had a difficult time finding a personality test that reads me correctly though. Every time I take one, I find that my personality is equally distributed across all areas. For example, I'm a quarter red, a quarter blue, a quarter white, a quarter yellow. It's almost like they think I have multiple personalities! Which is weird because you guys know that's far from the case! So I have come up with my own personality test, and since the colors have already been copyrighted, as well as letters and numbers, my personality test corresponds with animals! (My apologies to any animal that this might offend. Please don't take it personally. Or animally.) So ...  ask yourself these questions:

Do you find that you are easily provoked?
Do you always have to be right?
Do you find yourself short on patience?
Do you express your opinions, regardless of the offense that these statements may give?
Do you dislike others telling you what to do?
Do you think everyone else is stupid?

  I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, then you are a Baboon.


Do you bend over backwards to please others?
Do you constantly worry about what others think of you or your actions?
Do you cry over fictional characters?
Do you frequently change your mind?
Do you have a hard time letting go of the past?
Do you like to eat chocolate?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, then you are a Hamster. 

Do you like to laugh, a lot?
Do you laugh so loud it echos all the way to Mexico?
Do you frequently raise your voice when talking to others, just to make certain everyone can hear your funny story?
Do you gloat over your number of followers/friends/groupies on Instatwittbook?
Do you feel sad and lonely when leaving a party?
Do you take a daily selfie?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, you are a Hyena. 

Do you obsess about your body?
Do you believe that if you've got it, you should flaunt it?
Do you talk about your daily workout for longer than you actually worked out?
Do you own a Speedo?
Do you know the names of all the people on Jersey Shore?
Do you drive a Trans Am?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, you are a Stallion (baby).

Do you consider sleep to be your favorite passtime?
Do you aim for 14 hours of sleep a day, but can still function if you get 12?
Do you like pajamas and bathrobes more than designer jeans?
Do you wait until 2 pm before you comb your hair?
Do you consider chewing gum to be a great alternative to brushing your teeth?
Do you turn your phone on silence so no one will interrupt one of your 5 naps?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, then you are a Sloth.

Did you take my highly scientific test? What were your results?

I'm just kidding. Don't really take it. But you may answer the questions by proxy for your loved ones, co-workers, and neighbors. Yes, really do that!

But answer me this: have you taken other personality tests? Do you take stock in them? Which color or letter are you?

If you haven't taken a test or can't remember your results or want to help those of use who can't remember what all the colors and letters mean, what traits classify your personality?

And ... do you find that you have a hard time getting along with certain personality types? Do you look for certain traits when you make new friends? And do you think we would all get along if we were to have a girl's night at my house? (This Friday! Everyone come. No wait, don't. The house isn't clean. I'll get back to you on that.)

Like I said above, I'm seriously a flibbertigibbet and I have traits of each personality type. I get along with pretty much everyone. I am blessed to have so many wonderful friends here and there and everywhere! As I have aged, I have realized that friends don't have to share all the same interests and hobbies: there just needs to be mutual respect, devotion, and compassion. And since I asked you, I shall have to answer this one as well: yes, sometimes I have a hard time getting along with Baboons and Stallions. But I don't typically go for the jugular. The Sloth in me has learned to just avoid the Baboons and Stallions and just keep my head under the covers.

OK, it's your turn. Go go go!