Are you bored? Depressed? Anxious? Unmotivated? After-Christmas poor? Then you may be one of the roughly 1,000,000,001 people suffering from this fatal, and oftentimes deadly or lethal affliction.
But! Do not despair. There is help. For the low, low price of ... FREE ... I will tell you how to beat the blahs with one simple step. It's called laughter.
Laughter, given out in doses large or small, has been known to cure the blahs and has even been known to increase longevity, vitality, and improve well-being in general. Laughter should be taken several times a day for optimum effectiveness. Overdoses are not common but can include the following side effects: snorting, chortleing, becoming teary-eyed, and in severe cases, peeing. (It is always recommended to take your dose of laughter on an empty bladder.)
If you think you may be suffering from The Winter Blah's, please try the following samples, again, at no cost to you:
- The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job.
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
- What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
- Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
"C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
John gets a distressed phone call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."
OK, OK, we know that these weren't exactly LMHO, and only just slightly LOL. But we want to ease you into your medication slowly as to not cause any of the above side effects. (Also, slightly brain dead here.) But, since you're not out any money, there is no need for disappointment, right?
Obviously, we are facing a joke-shortage here at BlogAway Laugh Factory, so before we can cure the general public of Winter Blah-itis, we need your jokes. Keep them clean. Make them funny. I want to LSHMSH (laughsohardmystomachhurts). But not LSHIPD (youfigureitout).
So go ahead, MAKE ME LAUGH
***Due to the above-mentioned brain-deadedness, I am calling for submissions for guest-blog posts. You guys are all clever, funny, interesting gals (and now I have to say guys, thanks to you Steven) and we'd like to hear what y'all have to say. If you have an interesting/funny/thought-provoking topic you would like to see discussed here on BlogAway, write it up and email it to me at folksinmt@gmail.com. It would be a great way for us to get to know you better, plus point blog-traffic to your blog/ etsy shop/ etc. If you would like to donate the weekly prize, a la Wall Graffiti, that would be swell. But if not, oh well! (But it really is well to be swell!) LMK!
13 comments:
I don't consider myself a comedian by any stretch of the imagination, but I do love to laugh. And after thinking and thinking, I've decided that the best funnies that I can offer are some of the entertaining things my kids have said. I'll do my best to not include the "you had to be there" ones...hopefully some of these will make you laugh.
When Audrey was 5, she showed me that she was trying to figure out the connection between real-life people, and the ones she saw on TV. She asked me if the characters I was watching on "Ghost Whisperer" were real people. Yes, I answered. She demonstrated her understanding when she explained to the rest of us, "Heavenly Father saw these people in the show and He thought they looked really good, so He decided to make some real people who looked just like these guys." Huh? ...Oh, so that's where He gets his ideas! Then, when she saw Randy Jackson on Sesame Street (whom she recognized from American Idol), she said, "Mom, we should invite him over to our house and show him that he was on T.V.!" Me: "Don't you think he knows he's on TV?" She answered, "No...he can't see himself because he's looking THIS way" (towards the viewers, not at the T.V.). Ha ha!
Same child...when we were outside one day she saw a whole bunch of cottonwood seeds. She asked about them, and I tried to explain what they were, but she was serious when she told me I was wrong--those are actually pieces of the clouds that had fallen off : ).
One February: "Mom, I'm going to make a valentine for (our baby) Tate. But I'm not going to give it to him. I'm going to give it to another baby that doesn't suck on cards."
I'll close with some old quick quotes from her that I found entertaining.
--
I had a fire safety discussion with the kids one night and a recap with Audrey later. She gave me some extra pointers:
"Never fire your stuffed aminals because their fur might come off, or holes might come in. The only thing it is safe to fire is a candle."
"Never put a blanket on the TV when there's fire." (?)
and most importantly:
"NEVER put a DVD into your DVD player when your DVD is on fire." : )
Brigham's brother-in-law, who is a rather uptight, stogy kind of fellow, told us this one. I think it was funnier because it came from Chris.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
And this is how Olivia told it the first time.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady who?
I didn't know you could whistle!
I laughed hysterically, but understand if you don't. Now that she knows what yodeling is, she yodels when she wants our attention.
What did the snails say while riding on the turtles back?
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
I have been re-reading the Mitford Series books by Jan Karon. Love them! Especially love Uncle Billys Jokes. Here is one for your pleasure:
An ol'man and a ol' woman was settin' on th' porch, don't you know.
Th' ol' woman said, "you know what I'd like t' have?"
Ol' man said, "what's at?"
She says "A big ol' bowl of vaniller ice cream with choc'late sauce an nuts on top!"
He says, "By jing, I'll jis' go down t' th' store an' git us some."
She says, "you better write that down or you'll fergit it."
He says, "I ain't goin' t' fergit it."
Went to th' store, come back a bit later with a paper sack. Hands it over, she looks in there, sees two ham san'wiches.
She lifted th' top off one of them san'wiches, says, "Dadgummit, I told you you'd fergit! I wanted mustard on mine!"
ha ha
My dad says everytime we have cantaloupe: I cant alope I'm already married. ( He is known for his dumb jokes)Now my kids say it everytime we have cantaloupe.
SOunds to me like you need some Ezra time, he keeps us laughing, thought it is not because he has a cute sense of humor, it is because of the things he says and faces he pulls.
I am not a joker. I am VERY much like grandma a.k.a. your mama when it comes to humor. I laugh and have some one explain it later or just forget about it if I haven't figured it out with in 24 hours. Or sometimes days, weeks, months later It comes up again and then I get it.
However here is one from Mathoni, he is working on the humor department...
Three guys working on a building. A Jap, a Mex and an American. THe Mex drops his watch, "I will run down and try to catch it" He runs down where it has landed but its already broke.
Jap does the same thing, and its broke. The American runs down to the burger store and back and catches it.
"How did you do that?" they ask him.
" I timed it" :)
or hows this one,
Cops ask Juan if he has seen Pedro, a wanted man.
(Apply best mexican accent while saying)
"pedro, ya I see him today, I have lunch with Pedro."
"you have lunch with heem?"
"ya, Pedro he cum up to me with a gun, he say "put your hands behind yur back' and Pedro, he have a gun so I do it, He say 'git down on the ground' and Pedro, he have a gun so I do it. He say lick de manur.' and Pedro, he have gun so I lick it. then I think fast and take the gun away from him and say
"put ur hands behind your back, and I have the gun so he do it, I say git down on the ground and pedro do it. I say lick the manur and pedro do it. So ya, I see Pedro today, we have lunch together."
JazznJenna: Aw, cute!
Sally: LOL! (I love yodeling at my dog, it makes him go crazy!)
Kats Kradle: Ha ha ha! (It reminds me of the pig commercial!)
LLinMT: Love it! I want you to talk like that next time I see you.
Team C: That's punny!
Bakerfam: Huh? JK, although that first one did take me two read- throughs to get. I guess I'm like my mama. And the second one was a lot like reading Skippyjon Jones, except without the political correctness and the illustrations.
Jessops: wait, no Jessops? What the heck? That has never happened before. You better be back soon, girly.
I won't even try to be funny because I'm not but here are a couple links that will make you laugh. The first one is for Nolans Cheddar the second is Tim Hawkins who is always funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqlQS5CCmwI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxKeCmTCDV4&feature=related
This should pull you out of the doldrums:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBgThvB_IDQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And how about these?
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved…the financial secretary gave a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
The ‘Over 60s Choir’ will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.”
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
I seriously have no jokes so here's a few I found. I use to get blonde jokes all of the time in high school... that was fun, let me tell you.
A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
I figured my hubby would appreciate that one and it's one I've never heard before!
I'm sorry I took so long! I was trying to think of a good joke and failed miserably! I had to google it :( lame-o award
How do you recognize Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
He's the one with sesame seed buns!
When Carson was in Sunbeams, the primary chorister was pregnant. She mentioned one day that she "had a baby in my tummy," and Carson promptly said, "And two little ones up here," (pointing to his chest area) All the primary teachers got a laugh out of that!
bigskyboys: thanks for the laughs. I'm worried that the cheese one didn't say "No animals were harmed in the making of this film."
PaulaShawn: I seriously gagged watching that! Oh. My. Gosh! Loved those church bulletins!
Nicole: Best blonde joke ever! That one was worth the google. (And where do you think I got mine?) :)
Janice: both of those are hilarious. And the things I get to look forward to in Primary! Do you frequently remind Carson what he said?
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