I Have An Earful For the Winner

Is this what you guys mean by inspirational music?

I feel inspired just from looking at the album cover. I don't know what would happen if I actually listened to it, but I know something ... incredible would come of it.

Yes, I did steal that picture off the Internet, and no, I will not give you the link to other ridiculous album covers. Trust me, it's for your own good. Because on some album covers, people forget to wear clothes! (Who would do such a thing???) And I'm not just talking about indecent people on modern album covers, (because that is no surprise) but I'm talking OLD album covers--like from the 60's and 70's. (But that doesn't mean anyone born in the 60's or 70's is old. Just the album covers. BTW, my daughter told me today that the older you get, the closer you get to dying. Beware.) Based on the album covers I saw, I would say that people in the flower-power era were just down-right degenerate.

I will show you a few of those nasty album covers, but you don't need to hide your eyes. They are safe. Ish.

I'm sorry, but when you reach a certain age, you have no business posing like that. No business at all.

Whatever you do, DO NOT ask to borrow his accordion.

OK, now I'm being nasty. I will move on to the prize. I was going to do an iTunes card, but that is so boring. I found these instead:

Super cute earbuds! I got in trouble with the earbud snob of our household for not buying Skullcandy, but duh, these were way cuter! And I must correct myself: these ones are called EARPHONES. Picky picky.

This week's winner is comment #7 Bakerfam! Look what taking a break from the blog gets you: a prize! Wait, that's bad advertising. It gets you good incentive not to take such a long break next time, right? I'll email you Bakerfam.

And for the rest of you, let me leave you with this reminder: it's what's on the inside that counts. 

Another Heavy Topic, But Not Heavy Metal

Earlier this month, we had a tragedy in my household: our Rhapsody account stopped working. 

You might think that the use of the word "tragedy" might be a bit traumatic, but let me assure you, it is not.

We use Rhapsody on our computers and our cell phones: that one music library (we've had it for several years and our library is HUGE) can be used by all our family, anywhere we go. But apparently, when we upgraded cell phones, something happened to our account and our cell provider is having a hard time restoring our service. Every time I call, they say it will be 48 hours before they get it fixed. And every time they say that, I feel like yelling, "I CANNOT SURVIVE ANOTHER 48 HOURS WITHOUT MY MUSIC!!!!"

Ahem.

If there is one thing I cannot live without, it is music. I have come to realize that I love music more than books. GASP! I might even love music more than food. But then again, we had elote over the weekend, so that makes it a pretty tough competition. 

We all know the power of music and we've all seen research on how music affects moods, etc. There was even a recent study on the effects of music on Alzheimer and dementia patients. Music affects first the soul, which then affects the mind, and then the body. That is one amazing force.

Homer (no, not that Homer. This Homer.) realized this way back before hundreds of scientific studies had been done on the power of music. In Homer's Odyssey, the sailors were warned not to listen to the Siren's song--their very souls were in danger! Trying to tempt Odysseus to their island, the Sirens said,

Oh, cease thy course, and listen to our lay!
Blest is the man ordain'd our voice to hear,
The song instructs the soul and charms the ear,
Approach! thy soul shall into raptures rise,
Approach! and learn new wisdom from the wise!

It is interesting to note that Homer perceived that the Sirens tempted the soul and not the flesh, yet since we have such a carnal nature, mythology transformed the Sirens into beautiful women whose bodies were seductive as well. I like the original imagery better though, as it really captures how music speaks to the soul with a power second only to deity.

Since music has such divine power, I can only imagine the fulfillment that would come from creating music. I believe that it is our desire to become closer to God that urges us to create. And that creation can be anything--whether it be sewing a blanket, painting a picture, or writing a book. But I would venture to guess that when you create something that uses the body, the mind and the spirit (like creating music) the experience can only be akin to actually creating life. Wowza. Can you imagine what it was like for Handle to create the Messiah? It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.

(If I would have been Handel's organist and he showed me this sheet music, I would have been all, "You want me to play what??? Dude, you crazy!")

With this profound appreciation and respect I have for music, you might be asking why I'm not a musician. I DON'T KNOW! I think I got in the wrong line when talents were disbursed in Heaven. Or maybe the "Musicians" line was too long, so I jumped into the "Type Really Fast" line. I am still kicking myself about it. At least I didn't jump into the "Cowboy Poetry" line.

Music is not only a huge part of my life, but it is essential to my writing. I cannot write without it. Music is the key that unlocks my muse; if I'm not in the mood to write, all I have to do is listen to a few songs and words begin to pop up on the page. What do I listen to? I'm sure you are dying to know. It depends on what I am writing, but I will give you my list of must-have music:

Starting with Classical, my very favorite composers are:
Bach (with a special nod to Brandenburg Concerto No.3 as being the most beautiful piece of music ever written.)
Handel 
Vivaldi

Cross-over Classical

Sissel (The girl has the voice of an angel. It's not Christmas at our house until we listen to this.)
William Joseph. (The poor fella was born with six hands, but he somehow is able to keep them from getting tangled and creates the best piano music of the modern age.)
Josh Groban (Wikipedia says he was born in L.A., but that is a big-fat lie. He was born on an island near Italy and is in fact, the first-ever male Siren. But since you think of voluptous women when you say "Siren," we shall de-feminize the name and call him a "Himren." Do not sail your boat near his island. I warn you, do not! But don't put wax in your ears either, because then you wouldn't be able to hear his beautiful voice. So tie yourself to the mast! Quickly!)

My very favorite genre is Alt. Rock, and my all-time favorite bands include:
Matchbox 20
Goo Goo Dolls
Muse
Thirteen Senses
Angels and Airwaves 
The Killers
My Chemical Romance
I could go on and on, but HOLY COW this post is long!

Strangely enough, I am a native Montanan, but I do not like country! GASP! Not a bit of it. However, I do like Bluegrass, especially:
Alison Krauss and Union Station
Nickle Creek

The above listed genres are the types of music that speak to my soul. Dubstep does not speak to my soul, but rather vibrates my brain and gives me one big headache. That means I am not cool since I do not like all the same music my teens do.

What music speaks to you? Do you play/sing/compose? Do you play music constantly, or is it just background noise? Who tops your list of favorite musicians? Please share!

You Were Expecting To Win, Weren't You?

I did not expect for you guys to be so quiet this week. Hello? Where'd everyone go? I think this is a sign that summer is upon us. At least I hope that's what it is. I hope I didn't say something offensive. Something like harassing a sweet college girl who has been away from the blog for a few months. Oh nuts. I did do that, didn't I? Sorry girl whose name starts with a C and ends with a N. (It's Carin, in case you were wondering. Or Camden. Or Christin. Or ... OK , I can't think of anymore. Can you?)

So do you guys have any big plans this weekend? I'm going to ... going to ... going to do absolutely nothing. (That was kinda anticlimactic. Sorry. I was waiting for my invite to Hawaii, but it never came. Sally, could I at least go as your nanny? Or your palm-frond holder? Please?)

This week's prize is something everyone needs to celebrate an anniversary. No, not that. Shame! This:

A party in a cup (or a cone if you prefer!) The winner has $10 to spend on a yummy concoction of their choice. Make it with red velvet cake in honor of me OK?

And the winner is comment #4 Devree!!! You deserve a party after your good news this week! I have your address, so I'll get it off to you. When is graduation BTW? Congrats to you! And brag a little Devree ... aren't you at the top of your class? You amaze me!

Have a great extended weekend guys. Get some sunshine for me, since I think I scared it away with the reflection from my white legs. C-ya next week.

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

Do you know what today is? What? You don't know? How could you forget? I'm so insulted!

It's my blogiversary! Yes, one year ago, BlogAway went live to a crowd of thousands of people eagerly awaiting a chance to read another blog. My first post was about time management, and unfortunately, I have not learned how to manage my time any better. But you know what? Writing this blog has not been a drain on my time, as I worried it would be. I worried that it would be a chore to write, but instead, it has become something I look forward to doing every week. That was unexpected!

I did not expect that we would have such a tight-knit community here at BlogAway, but it has been amazing! I have loved finding old friends, making new ones, and learning deep-dark secrets about people I've known my entire life. I am humbled that you guys take time to read my blog and participate in the conversation; I know how precious your time is. You guys are the best blog friends a gal could have. Thank you!

There are a lot of things about this past year that have been unexpected. I did not expect that I would jump genres and write a historical romance.

I didn't expect that I would change my writing strategy either, as I normally write a book scene by scene and then piece the scenes together like a puzzle. This time, I simply opened a document, entitled it "1" and then wrote the entire thing start to finish. I did not take a bunch of notes. I did not write an outline. I did not think about a scene for several days before I actually wrote it. I just sat down and let it flow. I just finished my first edit of "The Reign of Trees," and I half-expected it to be crap, but it wasn't! I actually like it! Hallelujah!

I've always wanted to try my hand at screenwriting, but I did not expect I would do it this year. I'm currently working on this:

It's a bit of a romantic comedy, a bit of a chaotic(funny?) family drama, with a little bit of a music, and a whole lot of MONTANA, filmed mockumentary style. I know I have a better chance of winning American Idol (I would sound a lot like this singing on TV) than I have seeing my name listed under "Written By" on the small screen, but since I'm certifiably crazy, I continue to work on it nonetheless. I actually laugh out-loud as I think of some of the scenes, further proof that I am insane.

And speaking of insane, last summer, the guys bought the Insanity videos and I thought they were nuts. Why would you want to do a work-out that would give you a heart attack and make you sweat like a 500 pound man sitting in a sauna?

But guess who has stuck with it for an entire year? Moi! I love Insanity so much I ditched the gym. Yes, it still kicks my butt every single time, but no heart attacks. Also, directly related to Insanity: I've come to crave Titan protein shakes. I never expected that either.

We've also added to our zoo this year: we got ten new chickens and one new dog. I don't know that I can say that something good will come from these unexpected additions though, especially since the new dog has taste-tested a few of the birds. 

How about you? What unexpected things have come into your life in the past year or two? Have you come to love the unexpected things?

The Missing Piece Meets a Winner

I really hate having such a bad memory, because every book you guys list, I think, "Oh yeah I forgot about that one. I loved that one too." It is good on the pocketbook though, since I can re-read the same book every few years and have it be brand new to me! I guess I should optimize my Goodreads account and keep track of books I read, but I can't remember my login name.

Devree: it is a wonder that you still love to read based on your scary experiences. Lesser people would have been traumatized for the rest of their lives.

Oh, can I tell you guys about my favorite book-reading experience? Back before Twilight was the big thing, I was reading it while the men were out hiking and this small tornadoish thing hit the valley (we live in Montana, not Kansas, so it's not typical here) and our power was knocked out. But I could not stop reading! So I used a battery-powered lantern and stayed up all night reading. I finished the book just as the sun was rising. It was my most favorite reading session ever. Not that you cared to know, but since I am so forgetful, maybe you can tell this story to me someday and it will make the memories flood back. (Yanno, like when I'm in the Alzheimer's ward.)

Bigskyboys:I forgot to mention Skippy Jon Jones! Love him! Who reminds you of him? No one at your house speaks with a Spanglish accent, so I don't understand the comparison. (I can't read those books without talking with an accent. It annoys the crud out of my kids.)

Alright, I've blabbed enough. Nicole did a great job hosting the blog this week, didn't she? Let's all give her a round of applause! 

Miss Nicole has so kindly donated his week's prize. Yipito Skipito! And here to describe the prize is none other than the Queen of Fiction herself:  Nicole!

In my college Children’s Literature class, I discovered a new favorite: The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein (another favorite author). I’d never given the book much thought until the teacher told us to look at it from a dating point of view to make it apply to us college kids. It opened a whole new perspective and I refused to sell it back to the bookstore. It applies to all ages, but that’s how I came to love this book.

So the winner gets a copy of this book, which I may or may not have ever read. Who knows? But I know I can't wait to read it and get some dating advice. :)

And the winner is comment # 6 Sally! Sallyito you have won a bookito. Yippito! Sally, do I have your permission to email Nicole your address?

Thanks a million to Nicole for sharing a bit of yourself with us this week and for saving me a trip to the store to shop for a prize! You are awesome. See all you well-read women back here next week!

To Read Or Not To Read; That Is Not The Question

Hello Blogawayamily. (That word combo doesn't quiet work, does it?) Today is your lucky day! Do you know why it's your lucky day? Because you don't have to listen to me yak! Yay! We are honored to have a guest post by our own faithful follower Nicole Jessop.  She's the gal who leaves the very first comment about 80% of the time. She gets a star for promptness, and one for loyalty, and one for wittiness, and one for .... K, you get the idea: I like this gal A LOT. She also happened to marry a super cool dude. So give her your undivided attention as she tells you about a topic that is near to all our hearts--books! Make sure you leave a comment since she has an awesome prize in store! Take it away Nicole!

Ever since I can remember, I have loved to read. I remember only being 5 or so and being so frustrated with my 3 year old brother that he had no desire to learn how to write his name, even though I had traced it out perfectly for him to copy, or to look at my very basic dictionary. My grandma use to always tease me as an elementary student for having to have something to read while I was eating breakfast (or any meal but my books were forbidden at dinner) because I was just like my grandpa and my dad. Even today, it doesn’t matter what is in front of me – a magazine I got in my mailbox at school, the news on my phone, just random bits of newspaper, or cereal boxes – I need something to read while I eat.

I think that’s what led to my decision to be a teacher along with loving to work with kids. I want to be able to help kids realize their passion for reading, to discover whole new worlds and to fall so in love with a character or a book that they can relate to the character and empathize with them. Steve always makes fun of me when we watch Harry Potter (or even as we read it) for crying every time loved characters die. Just the other day as we were reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I began crying when a character died *no spoilers here*. He looked at me and said, “How many times have you read this book and seen this movie?” I responded that it didn’t make it any less sad no matter how many times we read it.

As we have made our way through the series, it’s been so fun to see how he has grown to like reading more. He’s never been one to sit down and read and when I was kid, if given the choice, that’s all I ever would have done. The other night he told me he was one of those kids that would read but then decided he would rather be outside in the real world. Being the ever-faithful Potterhead I responded, “Just because it’s happening in my head, doesn’t mean it isn’t real.” Now, let’s all say it together: “touché.”

One of my all-time favorite books as a kid was Purple, Green and Yellow by Robert Munsch. Here’s the book summary from Amazon: “Brigid is on the trail of the ultimate felt marker. At first, she's satisfied to be drawing wonderful pictures. But soon she must have the markers that wash off with water. Then she needs the markers that smell. But she's happiest when she gets the super-indelible-never-comes-off-till-you're-dead markers. She draws brighter-than-real lemons and roses and then goes too far: Brigid draws on herself. Nothing will remove the color, so Brigid reaches deep into the box of markers, finds the people-colored marker, and covers up all the other colors. She looks better than before, too good to be true.”

Hilarious. I don’t know why I haven’t bought it yet. Some other loved favorites were Encyclopedia Brown, Babysitter’s Club, Bailey School Kids, and Boys against Girls. Unfortunately, my Mom ended up giving away or selling most of my books, so I’m in the process of finding my most loved ones and collecting them all again. I’ve also discovered many new children’s books through my college years that have become favorites. You’re never too old for a children’s book.

Have you ever had a book that just touched you or that you read a hundred times and it never got old or stopped being funny? What was your favorite book as a child?

A Beautiful Winner

Hello beautifuls! Spell check is telling me that word is not real, but it totally is. How else would I describe my blog friends? (Yes, Steven, even you especially you.)

Guess what popped up on the news yesterday? This great story about a 14 year-old girl who is taking on Seventeen Magazine over their use of Photoshopped images. Here's a little tidbit from the article: "After being overwhelmed by the number of fellow high-schoolers in her ballet class lamenting their “fat days” and the seemingly impossible quest to be “pretty,” Bluhm realized that the images she saw in the iconic monthly magazine did not represent real adolescent females, and contributed to unattainable ideals." But rather than just complaining about Photoshopped images (a la me), she is petitioning Seventeen and asking them to use one unaltered photo spread in the magazine every month. Do you want to sign her petition and help teens have a better body image? Yes you do! Go here to sign.

This week's winner gets something as beautiful as s/he is. Actually, it's not nearly as beautiful as any of you, but it was the closest thing I could find that was in my budget. (I can't shop at Tiffany's for myself, let alone the blog! Oh hey--it's Mother's Day on Sunday. Hint hint family!)

It's a lovely necklace and earring set. And notice the label: it's from East 5th (Avenue) which is the classiest street in all of NY, therefore this necklace is about as schnazzy as they come. 

The winner is #9 LivingstonslifeinMt! Yay! You're overdue for a win. And I'm so glad the prize wasn't tweezers. 

Wait, don't stop reading just because you know who won! Y'all need to read this: Author Kiersten White  said this on her blog awhile back, and I thought it was amazing and put it in my journal. 

“Being generically perfect isn't beautiful. Thighs and necks and skin and (heaven forbid) ears have nothing to do with beauty. Beauty is in the stories of our faces, the people who have loved us, the people we have loved and do love and will love. Beauty is what we have survived and what we will create. Beauty is stamped into the way our eyes shift when we smile, the things our hands do, the kindness that comes out of our mouths. Beauty is not how the world sees us, but what we take of ourselves and give to the world.” 

Anything I say after that will just sound pathetic and make this fabulous week go fizzle fizzle, so I will say adieu. But ... I do have to admit, I was rooting for Steven to win the prize. Sorry dude. Maybe next week. (That necklace would have looked great on you, but would it have fit over your (nonexistent) quadruple chins?)

A Pretty Heavy Topic

Warning: Heavy Blog Post Ahead. (Hold on to those laptops; I will not be held responsible for them falling to the floor.)

Well hellllooo. (You need to read this part using a deep, smexy voice like Moto Moto from Madagascar 2.) Whatcha doing just sittin' there lookin' all pretty? 'Cause girl, you fine.

Yes, I'm totally trying to pick you up. And not in the corny pick-up-line way. As in I'm trying to pick you up. I want you to feel good about who you are, because really, truly, honestly, you are beautiful. Each and every one of you.

Did you know millions of women in America suffer from low self-esteem? Did you know our teenage girls are being raised to think that unless they look like the next top model, that they are practically worthless? Everywhere we look, we are being sold some type of beauty product, from mascara (don't you love those long-lash ads where the writing at the bottom says, "Model's eyelashes have been enhanced.") to creams that claim you will look younger after just one week, to every kind of weight-loss solution available, to Pippa Butt Lifts. Any time we open a magazine, watch TV, turn on the Internet or even drive in a car, we are subconsciously being told "You are not good enough. You need this product to look better." Why does the media want us to beat ourselves up for not looking as pretty as their ideal? Because the beauty product and weight-loss industry brings in somewhere around 100 BILLION a year. They want us to feel crappy about ourselves because then we will spend more money. (I bet the ice-cream industry is in on this as well. Don't we all dive into a pint of ice cream when we feel down? It's a conspiracy! And my dad is a part of the dairy industry, so he's in on it as well! Gasp! JK)

So why am I bringing up such a heavy topic this week? Because I'm just like every other gal and sometimes I feel like I'm not as pretty as that gal on the latest action flick/cover of Cosmowhatever/and the fifty-year-old-model who looks younger than me. Recently I picked up a book on the clearance rack that I thought would help me cover my flaws and look perfect (like Glamour Shots!) and guess what I was reminded of? This simple statement: How we think affects how we look.

If you ever run across this book, snatch it up. It's wonderful!

Before Carmindy's book gives you any beauty tips, the first few chapters help you think positively about your appearance. You need to recognize that you are UNIQUE. Your features were given to you by your ancestors, who lived great lives and did great amazing things. How would they feel if they knew you hated the very same nose they wore on their face when they crossed the plains? You need to stop comparing yourself to others--especially celebrities, who can spend an entire average-person's yearly salary to look the way they do. You need to stop comparing yourself to digitally enhanced images. You've all seen the before and after Photoshopped pictures, right? When you see an ad simulating a perfect person, remind yourself that it is not real! This is a mind-over-matter thing ladies! You need to constantly be sending yourself positive thoughts if you want to combat what media is telling you. (Substitute an "s" for the "t" in the word telling!)

Now that you are thinking positively, Carmindy tells you you need to find your best feature. Close your eyes and visualize your face. Focus on the one thing you've always loved about your face. Now go to the mirror and take in how wonderful that attribute is. (Really, you have to do this. I'm watching you on webcam.) Now glance away and look back again. What is the second feature you love? You need to remind yourself of your focus features every time you look in the mirror. Say it with me, "I have a great _____." (Yes, you will have to say this in your comments. This might be even more painful than claiming your talents!) Own your focus feature and give it the praise it deserves!

Now for some Lori beauty advice: compliment other people. Tell them that color looks great on them. Compliment a new hair color (Berkley, send your co-worker to my blog!) Compliments go a long way and no one can ever get enough! Spread some love! You'll feel better inside for being kind, and you'll lift others.

Next word of advice: pamper yourself from time to time. I know when I feel run-down, I look run-down. Do something nice for yourself. Buy a new shirt. Paint your nails a funky new color. Do not get stuck in a boring-mom routine, or you will feel/look like a boring mom. And do not feel guilty about doing something nice for yourself. You are so worth it!

Last word of advice: smile more and frown less, because you're never fully dressed without a smile. 

Now it's your turn. So #1, you have to tell us your focus feature. #2 You have to compliment someone today (but you don't have to tell us about it.) #3 Tell us how you pamper yourself.  And #4 give us your best beauty tip. 

Here's my list:

1. I have nice lips

2. Done

3. I pamper myself by working out. Seriously. I feel so much prettier when I do. (Well, not when I'm actually working out. Yanno, after, when I'm all showered and fresh.)

4. Put a small amount of sugar in your daily cleanser a few times a week to exfoliate. It's cheap and it makes your skin glow! (That's a Carmindy tip!) 

Let's see what makes each of you beauties shine! (And Steven, we totally want you to comment today. If you don't, I might release a very feminine picture of you wearing a ladies scarf.)

Good Comments Always Make a Winner!

I loved everyone's comments! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who suffers from Foot in Mouth Disease (which is different from Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. I had that one once too. Don't you think they could have come up with a more creative name for it: like insepacticousbacterium?). Did that offend you that I acknowledged your mistakes? Are women the only creatures who worry about this stuff? Probably. How many times do you hear a guy say, "Oh my gosh, you will not believe what so and so said today! I am SO offended!" ??? Hardly ever. Although my teenage son offended one of his pot-head friends by saying, "Smoking pot makes you stupid." However, I do think that instance of rudeness was justified, don't you?

I wanted to get Scrabble for a prize this week, but doesn't everyone in the world already have that game? So instead, this is a prize that won't need to be returned or regifted:

This will help you get your feet into tip-top shape, just in case they ever do slip into your mouth. (I would rather have clean feet in my mouth than dirty feet, wouldn't you?)

The winning comment as selected by Random.org is #13: Berkley! Yay for you Berkley! (Funny that I was just saying to my awesome friend JazznJenna that I was glad to have fresh blood around the prize pool!) Berkley, can you email me your address? I promise I'm not a stalker. (OK, so I do stalk, but only from a distance.) My email address is over in the sidebar. (Yes I'm too lazy to type it right now. See how safe I am? Laziness does not a good stalker make.)

And based on a few of the comments, including the one from my sis, we need to do a weekly topic on stupid things guys say when trying to woo women. We could flip it around too if needed. (Like how I called my boyfriend by the wrong name once. While we were kissing. Oops! But hey, he married me, so no harm done!) That could be a very "hot" topic. :)

See ya next week friends!

Was It Something I Said?

I generally try to keep this blog positive and fun (meaning I usually poke fun at myself), but it appears that I have run out of nice things to talk about. And since PaulaShawn would not write a post for us, we are stuck on a dark topic this week. (I also like to poke fun at her a lot too--have you noticed? She said that good pranksters never prank and tell. If you've been the beneficiary of one of her pranks, you'll understand why. But I still have hope she will write a post for us someday.) This blog topic is brought about by no particular instance, and I'm certainly not trying to cause hard feelings, I just had been thinking about it lately. So with that disclaimer, let's proceed.

Have you even noticed that sometimes people are rude?  

I think that is why we are taught as small children to chant things like "I am rubber, you are glue ..." and "sticks and stones may break my bones ..." Every writer should recite those sayings daily. If you didn't know this already, the publishing industry is a super-critical one. Even the big-name, big-buck authors have their fair share of criticism. The worst criticism I've had as an up-and-coming author? "The author (that's me) doesn't appear to have an exceptional command of the English language." Um, ouch. But ya know, since English is my second language, they may have a point there. I do think it is good that I received that sharp criticism early on though, as nothing else can be that bad, right?

Other than the "constructive" criticism in the writing realm, I have experienced some cases where people have said something intentionally rude about little ol' me. Like the time a frienemy insisted that I was lying to her when I was talking about working out. "You DO NOT work out!" she said. I guess since I'm not a size 2, that means I've never seen the inside of a gym. Another one: I get a lot of flack about my tardiness and even had a woman say, "Have you ever tried waking up earlier?" Oh my gosh, what a novel idea! I think most intentional rudeness comes from people who esteem themselves as higher than you and therefore, they are qualified to razz you as necessary. I do not like that kind of rudeness, and I hope I have never offended anyone in such a manner.

However, there have been plenty of instances where I have offended people in another manner--the times I have put both feet in my mouth at once (Foot in Mouth Disease). I'm not so good with putting words together into those ... sentence ... thingys and having them mean what my brain is ... thinking. I guess that's why I like to write since I have a chance to process my thoughts before they fly out and smack someone across the cheek. The biggest case of Foot in Mouth I've ever had was when I told a very sweet, amazing gal that I was glad her house was messy because it made me feel better about my house. YES I REALLY SAID THAT. Ugh. Not what I meant--at all. What I meant was that I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't keep a clean house. Wait, that didn't sound any better! I think what I meant was, "What are you talking about? Your house isn't dirty! It looks like you have an entire Merry Maids crew in here every day!" I'm sure I have said many other offensive things (probably to a lot of you guys too), but please know that I'm an idiot and my mouth often operates as a separate entity.

But then there is another category of rudeness: it's the unthinkable comments that come from people who have Unperceptive Eyeball Dysfunction (UED). Like the time someone asked me if a guy ten years younger than me was my son. (I went home screaming "I need Botox right now!") And then a few months ago I got asked if my 7 year old was my sister. Then the lady replied that I did not look old enough to have a daughter that age. Ha ha ha. Complete contradiction of the earlier "I look old enough to have a 25 year-old son" statement. The worst one happened to one of my friends though: she was with me and my daughter and someone asked if my friend was "grandma," meaning she would be my mother. She's only 4 years older than me. And she's Hispanic. Anytime someone says something totally wacked like that, all you have to do is say "UED."

So tell me: have you ever said anything that made you feel like banging your head against a wall--or worse, have you said something so bad that you had to go dig your own hole to bury yourself in? And without naming names, pointing fingers, or using a Voodoo doll to curse someone: what's the most offensive thing someone has ever said to you?

Sorry of the negativity y'all. We can all repent later, OK?