Merry Christmas friends!

I feel sad that I don't have a gift to give each of you. In fact, it makes me feel kinda rude. Sorry. But it doesn't mean that I don't love every single one of you! It just means that my generosity isn't in accordance with my budget. It also means that I didn't write a book this year to give away for free to y'all. :( ' ' '' '3  (Those are tears all the way down to my toes. But those don't look like my toes. Sorry about that. There's an image that will be burned in your mind FOREVER.)

Maybe this will help erase it:

Wasn't it beautiful last week? But then it got ridiculously warm (45!) and it turned to mush, just like my brain. It's not a pretty sight. (In both cases.)

Here's the prize for one lucky winner for this month:

Isn't it cute? Sadly you won't get to use it much this year, but there's always next year. And the next. And the next. And the next. And the chalk isn't included. Sorry. Again. (I'm overly apologetic. Sorry about that.) But! You might--just might--get some homemade treats to go along with this prize. Assuming I can stop searching for recipes on Pinterest and actually make something.

Random.org selected week #2 (last week) and then from the 3 original comments, it selected comment #1! Jenna, you da weener! Wahoo! I'd say you are about due to win again, wouldn't you? I'll be getting it in the mail just as soon as you can say "ho ho ho!"

Have a very happy happy everyone! I hope your holiday is filled with family, friends, beautiful music and lots of fattening food. Love y'all!

Not Naughty, Not Nice. Gift please?

About this time of the year, the old guy has already made his list, and now he's checking it twice. Have you been naughty, or have you been really nice?

 Do you wonder about those terms? Naughty and nice are so very opposite. Is there really no in-between? That's almost like Santa checking his list to see if anyone has committed any heinous crimes or written any boring nursery rhymes. Don't you think it would be better if the entire Santa giftage was on a token economy system, based on your number of good deeds versus the number of misdeeds? (Deeds and misdeeds rhyme, FYI. Watch out Seuss. I'm hot on your tail.) For example, if you tripped a small child, didn't help an old lady with her groceries, and wrestled with alligators at a public zoo, that would be 3 demerits. But let's say that during that same year you taught a child how to read, sang in a flash mob at the Mall of America, didn't have any library fines, AND you save a capuchin monkey from starvation, you get 5 merits. (An extra point for the monkey. Becuase monkeys are cute.) Then instead of getting a lump of coal (I remember when my dad's friend gave him a little bucket of coal that was actually black liquorice, which he loves, and a little chisel that you had to use to chip off the liquorice. Now THAT was a great white elephant gift. BTW, just looking at the spelling of liquorice. Hmm, I wonder if that's why my dad likes it so much. JUST KIDDING DAD! I know you only like the kind that's spelled licorice.) you would get a gift worth 2 merits, or $20, which is a whole lot better than nothin'! Why hasn't Santa thought of this?


Is it possibly because it's too complicated? Or is it possibly because it doesn't scare small children enough? The threat of getting nothin' for Christmas is pretty huge. But $20? That's 20 things from the dollar store! (Me smart at math.) I know a lot of kids who would think that's pretty awesome.

So it's back to naughty or nice. Which were you as a child? Did you ever have fears that you were on Santa's naughty list? (If you aren't careful typing, you might accidentally type Satan instead of Santa. That's super weird.) (If you aren't careful when typing Lori you might accidentally type Loir. That's not super weird. It's super pathetic. I should be able to spell my name right, but like I said, math is my best skill set.)

I can't remember exactly, but I think I was slightly ornery as a child. I do remember throwing several large tantrums. I also remember hitting a kind lady who tried to help me when I was lost in the mall. (Stranger danger!) I told a few fibs--usually when I didn't want to fess up to doing something wrong in the first place. Like the time I cut myself on the face and I said I tripped on a stick. I can't remember what I was really doing that was forbidden, but it did result in me getting injured, just like I'm sure my mom predicted. Then there was the time I told my SIL her waterbed must have sprung a leak, when that's not what had happened. (Yes, I was the one who sprung a leak. Are you happy that I humiliated myself by spelling that out for ya?) Other than those tiny episodes of misbehavior, I think I was generally nice. (OH, and except for the time I yelled obscenities like "blondie go fart!" out of the window, directed at the neighbor's backyard BBQ. I was misguided by my older sister and her friend.) (If you are not careful when typing OH, you accidentally spell HO! Which is such a super awesome coincidence that it just makes me merry, merry, merry!)

Got this from here. Cute! Somebody crafty should make it. 

Are you ready to tell on your childhood self? What naughtyness did you participate in? Or were you polishing your halo even as a child?

You may also tell on any of your children if you so desire. Do you threaten them with being on the naughty list? Have any of them ever gotten nothing more than a lump of coal? Do tell!

Looking At Gift Horses and Other Gift Animals

HELLO! How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was a Tanksgiving, as I ate tanks and tanks of food. My amazing sis-in-law made enough food to feed all of Montana. Not even joking. And I ate all the food that was supposed to feed Western Montana. Not even joking. My intestines are still in distress. But I digress ...

We are now supposed to talk about CHRISTMAS! (Woot, woot!)

Beautiful SLC at Christmas, via LDS media library. 

I don't like the holidays. I love the holidays. (That's what my daughter just said. And then her brother said, "If you love it, then why don't you marry it? Ah, siblings.) I love the twinkly lights. The smell of cinnamon and evergreen. The holiday parties and festivities. The music. Oh, the music! Holy hallelujah!

But do you know what makes me lose the holiday spirit quicker than you can say "My sister-in-law makes banana split jam?" CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

Yes, I loathe Christmas shopping. I'm skittish in big crowds. I'm not a fan of spending money. I'm highly indecisive. Can you see how Christmas shopping is not my forte? (What is my forte, I ask of you? What. Is. It. Question mark, question mark, question mark.)

Also, this year's Black Turkey really annoyed me. Did you know that WalMart employees had to show up to work at 3:00 on Thanksgiving? Did you know that by Friday--as in Black Friday--the sales were over and the store was back to normal? Did you know that the good people in the kingdom northward don't have Black Friday, and therefore invaded our regions with their CARGO TRAILERS to load up on loot? I thank them for supporting our economy. (But I wait to thank them until they are back across the border.) (If I write that teeny, it's not offensive and therefore will not cause an international incident.)

I understand the thrill of the hunt for awesome bargains--I too enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I get something for next-to-nothing. But I don't understand the need to buy everything. Do we really need SO much stuff? It makes me sad when my kids make their enormous Dear Santa letters with outlandish items, like an ATV. In 12 YO's defense, he did ask for it for the entire family. However, he didn't specify the size, so I will likely have Santa bring him this:

My children should realize that they need to be specific. Details, details.

Two children asked for life-sized stuffed animals, which I'll admit, are much better than real life animals. But then I found this online:

For just $490, this life sized goat can be yours! His name is Dan and he even has udders! (I'm confused. Are you?) You want to buy him, no? Click here. Tell them Lori sent you.

Who spends that kind of loot on a toy that does absolutely nothing? Shouldn't it at least be mechanical? Although then it would just run out of batteries or break and die in a couple of weeks, so never mind!
 
What have you seen out there that is the biggest waste of your hard-earned money? (Or your hard-stolen money, whichever may be the case.) I personally vote for the Snuggie, even though it's been out for a few years and even though it's not going to cause a huge dent in your wallet. But hello, why not just wear your robe backwards? Duh.

 We don't go for any of that nonsense around here.We just give the kids socks and underwear. They get giddy with excitement. Just kidding, kinda. We do give them NEEDS as well as a few fun WANTS. But still, by the time we get all of the gifts under the tree, it looks like wrapping paper ralphing. What works for you? How do you keep your loved ones (mainly children) from being Greedy McCreedy at Christmas time? Do you find that you become Greedia McCreedy? I do. The best way for me not to be worldly is to not go shopping, yet, when I have to go shopping, I see all the sparkly stuff and I think I WANT I WANT I WANT. How do you avoid this?

And how do you find the perfect something for each person on your list? Miss Paulashawn is the queen of thoughtful gifts. She even contacted a little bike shop in Germany that shared her surname to find a personalized gift for her Shawn. Isn't she sweet? I'm more of a last second, it was on sale, so here you go kind of gal. Teach me. How do I be more thoughtful? (Please don't tell me that the first step is to get a brain, because that could really be a problem.) Do you have a favorite thoughtful gift that you have given or received? The only one that we totally nailed was when we found the sign that was on my grandparent's gas station, bearing our surname, at a antique gas memorabilia place and gave it to my padre. That was a fantastic find. I hope I am willed that sign. (Hint hint)

Let's talk giftage! How do you do it? Tutor me. Help me not become a Grinch. Or a Who. (Ward party theme this year! I'm lovin it.)

We'll only have 2 regular posts this month: this week and the next. Prize winner will be announced Tues, December 17th. So don't delay: comment today! 

Gobble Gobble! We Have a Winner!

All right, let's roll! Why roll, and not rock and roll? Because it's Thanksgiving, that's why! I'm not going to be able to see my legs for days!

Since I know you guys are all busy baking, I'll be brief and to the point. (You don't believe I can do it, do you?)

(I really can. Just give me a chance.)

3 weeks in November, one week was a winning week. And that week, as selected by Random.org was (dun dun dun) week #3, last week.

15 comments that week, one winning comment. (All of them were winning comments in my book, but I'm not allowed to select the winners since I'm prejudice. And since I don't like juice. ... Ha ha, I'm such a silly goose.)  Random.org selected the winning comment, and it selected 3 of my comments! No kidding. I just kept winning and winning and winning! Finally, I don't feel like a loser! And then, I clicked one last time and I lost! But that's OK, because someone even better than me won. (I'm not a sore loser. But I am sore from not exercising today. ... ??? ...?) It's someone who really deserves to win because they've never won before (but they've always been a winner in my book)! A brand new winner! It's comment #3! Jules!

And this week's prize is something long overdue:

An Amazon gift card! Everyone needs more books, right? Might I recommend this one:

Or anything by Sarah M. Eden.

Or this:

I'll send you a message, Jules!

I'm so thankful you guys all take the time to read my silly little blog. I'm a blessed momma. A Montana momma. A moody Montana momma. ... and so on and so forth.

Happy Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Turkeygiving

You guys, did you hear that bad news?

(You might want to sit down, this is going to be bad.)

There is a shortage of fresh turkeys this year.

(See I told you it's bad.)

Picture from here. 

Turkey shortage article taken from anywhere that delivers news on the WWW. The shortage might have something to do with that new movie Free Birds. Life is imitating art, yet again!

If you haven't already bought your turkey, you might have a hard time finding one. This is a tragedy! Turkey is to Thanksgiving what Santa is to Christmas! So what on earth will you eat for Thanksgiving? (I just realized my analogy might be wrong, since I don't think you are supposed to eat Santa on Christmas.)

The first year I was married, for some reason we'd had two large family gatherings in November and my MIL was tired of cooking turkey. She had decided to cook spaghetti for Thanksgiving instead. When I found out, I shed many tears. (Keep in mind that I was very young and immature and it was my first Thanksgiving away from home.) Since she is such a lovely, nice person, she found out about my misgivings and cooked a traditional Thanksgiving dinner instead. I don't think I ever thanked her adequately for that. (Is there a statute of limitations for thank you notes?) Ironically, about a decade or so ago, we had a big meal a few days before Christmas, so we decided to have a small simple meal for Christmas dinner. We picked spaghetti. It was like brushing your teeth with garlic. It was just so wrong!

What would be the worst meal you could have on Thanksgiving? And it has to be a legitimate meal that you would typically eat, not something outlandish and gross like sushi. I would say anything Italianish, like pasta and pizza, just because it's such a bold and contrasting flavor to down-home American cooking.

Remember the awesome scene from A Christmas Story where their turkey gets devoured by dogs and they have to go out to eat and the only place that is open is a Chinese restaurant? Have you ever had to eat out for a holiday? I'm lucky enough to be able to mooch off of my family full of amazing chefs, but I think if it were entirely up to me to cook the meal, eating out might not be such a bad idea. But what if there wasn't a good home-style restaurant for your holiday meal? Where would you eat out if you were stranded in Browning, Montana on Thanksgiving? Would a turkey sandwich from Subway satisfy your taste buds? I think I'd rather go for a burger and just forget it was Thanksgiving all together.

I do hope that none of the above scenarios happen to you this year and that you get even more stuffed than your holiday bird.

Do you have a Thanksgiving strategy? Do you starve yourself for days before so everything tastes extra good? Or do you begin eating more right now so you can adequately stretch out your stomach? Speaking of stretch, do you wear stretchy pants so your belly can expand? I've seriously almost passed out before because I ate about 50 bites too many. When everything is SO delicious, it's impossible to stop. And then just when I was about to recover and live to see another day, the dessert got brought out. Oh the pain. I'm hurting right now thinking about it. Ah, isn't Thanksgiving the best?

So here's your questions again in case you don't read my ramblings and just skip to the bottom:
1. What would be the worst alternate holiday meal you could have (or have had)?
2. If you had to eat out, where would you chose?
3. Exactly how much do you plan on eating this year?
4. Is there anyone willing to drive me to the hospital in case I do eat to much and my stomach explodes? (I used to think that really happened to people when they overate. I always wondered how much splatter they left on the wall when said explosion happened. Gross. I've matured a lot since I thought that 5 years ago.)
5. Oh, and how about this one: what is your very favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner? Mine is ALL OF IT. And the pie.

Remember, this is the last "normal" week this month. Make sure you comment so you can win the prize next Tuesday! Also make sure you comment so I don't feel like a turkey, because if I begin to believe that I am a turkey, I will become a turkey and THERE'S A SHORTAGE so I might end up on someone's table! Yikes! You must comment! It could save my life!

The Birds And The Bees And The Little Zonkeys

So you've all seen this by now:

This cute little Zonkey was born in Italy a few months ago. Holy stripes, right? She's a cross (obviously) between a zebra and a donkey.

But then there's also this:

Which is a Zebroid. Which is a zebra + any other equine. I'm thinking the papa was a white stallion in this case, but could be mistaken.

There's this:

Camel + Llama= Cama  (BTW, why do we need two Ll's to spell Llama? Is it possible that whoever named the Llama had a lisp and it was written phonetically? I'm being serious. Why? Why in the L?)

And there's also this:

Sheep + Goat= Toast of Botswana (???. The person who named that didn't have a lisp, but did like their liquor.) (Obviously)

I know the first ones are real, but that last one makes me question all hybrid animal pictures. However, I did find them on the internet, so they must be real. Here's 20 of the Coolest (Strangest) Hybrids. The post is brought to you by Toyota, and they say if you want your own hybrid, you should buy a Prius. I don't get it.

At the bottom of the post is this guy:

Aw. Cuteness. It's a St. Basset Hound. (Bernard + Basset). He's all business in the front and party in the back. (???) Do you think he knows that he's not ...normal? And do you think he face plants in his food every day?

You all know about all the super-popular dog cross-breads and their super-awesome portmanteau names like Labradoodle and Goldendoodle and the Huskamute (I think Musky would be a better name.)  I just found this little lady on Wikipedia. It was love at first sight.

It's a Cavapoo. (Cavalier King Charles Spaniel + Poodle) I think any name that ends with "poo" requires a happy sigh. I also hope King Charles likes that his legacy lives on.

Some breeds (and breads, if my spell-checker mind hadn't been working just then) mix well and some, not so much.

If you could combine ANY, and I mean any, two animals: what new breed (or bread) would you create? And what would you name it?

I would like to combine Flamingo legs with an Elephant head. I would call it a Flalelephant. (Say it with me now!)

If you could combine ANY two dogs to create your own trendy dog breed, what would it be?

I would like to combine a Great Dane with a Chihuahua. I would call it a Great Chihuahua. (I know, right?)

If you could combine ANY two mythological creatures/cartoon characters/super villains/super heroes/household items to make something wonkey (ala' JK Rowlingish), what would it be?

I'm thinking the Tasmanian Devil would be really neat crossed with a Unicorn. (Do you get the point? Ha ha. Ha. ..... Ha. ..... Ha ..... Ha. Ha.) I would call it the Devilcorn. That's also what you should call a certain kind of thing that happens after you eat corn. (I'm both disgusting and immature. I'm a hybrid of a nine year old boy and a twelve year old boy.) (Sorry for that one. I'm kind of making myself sick over it. Yet I won't delete. And I don't know why.)

If there is anyone still reading after my cubscout camp-suitable corn joke, it is now your turn to mix breeds! Tells us what you would create if you could play Mad Scientist, or Mad Mother, or just plain Mad. And don't stop at just one! Create as many new breeds as your creative brainy brains can think of! (I'm giving only three examples because I've already typed your ears off. It's really not because I don't have a creative brainy brain. Or is it?) Ready, set, go!

A Mother of a Post

While I typically aim for blog posts that are light and fluffy, sometimes I need to be as serious as mud. (How serious is mud, you may ask? It's very, very serious. So serious that it doesn't wash out of clothes without the aid of superdupermagiceraser.) There's something that's been bugging me for awhile, and since it's my blog and I can vent if I want to, you all of y'all will put on your game faces and let me be somber for a while, won't ya?

Let's talk about this:

Picture a tabolid/internet news story with a picture of a beautiful celebrity, who is also an expectant mother, and a caption that reads something like this: LOOK WHO IS TURNING INTO SHAMU THE WHALE!

And then a few months later, picture that same celebrity who gave birth a few months ago, and is now wearing not much more than an Arby's napkin, and a caption that says: HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK.

Can we just stop this sick cycle? Do we not realize how much we are devaluing motherhood and degrading women in general? Do we not realize that we are telling girls everywhere that the most important thing they can contribute to society is their body? Is this not incredibly sad and dangerous?

Outer beauty is fleeting. Shouldn't we be teaching girls to nurture their inner beauty, which will last FOREVER?

Speaking of nurturing: do you remember this saying: "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world?" It seems that this saying has become passe. Does society still understand the power of mothers? Yes, but society is also giving mothers a double edged sword. In addition to rocking cradles, mothers are expected to have a career, have a showpiece home that is in immaculate order with no toys or other child-related clutter visible (have you notice this in all the dream home pictures you see online? It's like children don't even exist!), be able to sew their own chevron pillows and maxi skirts, decorate a cake that looks like it could be on Cakeboss, make a meal that would impress Rachel Ray, get thousands of likes for their daily awesomeness posted on all the social sites, ANDDDD have a smokin hot bod. Women are being spread so thin (ha ha, sometimes literally) that it is no wonder that the amount of nurturing is diminishing.

While I could site dozens of awesome quotes from various religious leaders about the power of mothers, here's this simple non-denominational statement from Wiktionary on the meaning of the saying "the hand that rocks the cradle:" Women, particularly mothers, have a decisive influence on the future direction of society because they raise and nurture the next generation. A decisive influence. Do you understand what that means? It means that if we are not happy with society, within our small yet capable hands, we have THE POWER to change society. Is that power really worth trading for 6 pack abs and vanishing stretch marks? Women of the world: we are losing our focus. Women of the world: we are better than this.

We are worth far more than the beauty found on the surface of EACH AND EVERY WOMAN. Did you know this? That no matter what your size, your hair color, or the wrinkles around your eyes, you are a unique daughter of God and you are absolutely beautiful? Don't you ever think that because you don't look like Whoever Hottie Superstar that your worth is not equal to hers. Don't you ever think that your influence is any less than hers. Don't you ever think that you can't change the world with your simple acts of nurturing.

Sometimes we feel helpless to change what has become society norms, but all it takes is awareness. And with that awareness comes the motivation to enforce change. Here's a few ways you can help:

1. Don't support those who sell the trash that tells women to erase all traces of children from their lives and bodies. This includes the things you pin on Pinterest.(I might need to delete some of my pins, especially the ones that make me feel inferior to the super-fit 20 year old who has exercise tips that are sure to improve my body practically overnight.)

2. Tell women who dressed modestly that you appreciate the way they don't flaunt their assets.

3. Be more giving in your compliments of women in general. Tell them they have great children. Tell them you appreciate their wisdom, their courage, their insights, their driving, whatever! While it's always nice to have someone compliment your appearance, compliments about our personality traits can stay with us for a lifetime.

4. Love all the little children you come in contact with. You don't have to be a mother to lift up a child. Children give love freely, without prejudice. We could all us a little more of that, couldn't we?

5. Never ever  (and I mean never ever!) say that you are fat or that you need to go on a diet when your daughter is within earshot. Teach her to love her body for the great gift that it is.

6. Love YOUR body for the great gift that it is.

7. And finally, share with us some of the ways a mother has touched your life. And after you share it with us, maybe you'll want to write a note to that special woman in your life and thank them for all that they have done for you. It is the month of giving thanks, isn't it?

To my awesome mom, I say:
Thank you for teaching me that the way to everyone's heart is through their stomachs. I once thought it was demeaning that women HAD to cook, but now I know that nothing brings a family together more than a good homecooked meal. I can't count how many good conversations I've enjoyed around your kitchen table mom, and I hope someday my kids will have the same fond memories from my kitchen table.

(But maybe not memories like this ...)

Thank you for teaching me that home is a place of comfort, security, and happiness. My house isn't clean like yours, but we do like to spend time here, so maybe I'm doing something right.

Thank you for teaching me to spend time developing talents and skills. I wished I could play piano like you, but all the time I saw you practicing did teach me that talents go hand in hand with hard work.

Speaking of hard work, thank you for teaching me that best life has to offer comes through diligence and hard work. It's no wonder you fall asleep every time you sit down: it's because you work SO hard every time you are on your feet. :)

Thank you for teaching me that it's OK to laugh so hard that you cry. That's really the best kind of laughter anyway.

Thank you for teaching me to be kind and polite. Thank you for teaching me to be a lady. Thank you for teaching me that the best things in life aren't things, but the people who love you. And everyone loves you, mom: you have more fans that the Utah Jazz! Love you!

OK, Blogaway friends: it's your turn to share with us some of the ways a mother has touched your life. We might need to share a box of virtual Kleenex!  And Blogaway friends: you are ALL wonderful women and you touch my life every time you comment. Thanks for uplifting, sharing, caring! <3

No More Doom and Gloom and Ghouls and Goblins: The Month is Over and We Have A Winner. (AKA The Longest Blog Title Ever.)

Winner! Winner! Winner!

That's about all I have the brainpower to say because ... yeah ....

I've learned that Halloween is designed to actually kill parents, or at the very least, make them look like the undead. So don't expect any amusement from me whatsoever, as it seems my brain is in a dish somewhere for children to feel and get grossed out and try to guess if it's just spaghetti, or in fact, a real, live -- er, um DEAD--brain. (Hey why doesn't blogger let you do em-dashes? Why has no one ever addressed this issue? Please tell me I'm not the only one annoyed by this.)

Anywhichway, we have a winner!

Random.org selected week #2, about Halloween Costumes. 

And then ... Random.org again selected something totally random: comment #6 from that week.

The prize is thus:

Which would look fabulouso in a hurricane vase, but then I realized NO WAY was I going to ship glass across the country, so it is vase-less, which is better than being bra-less, so it is like it is and you're just going to be happy to get something snappy, right MARY? That's right MARY, you're the next winner on BLOGAWAY. Oh yay! And happy day!

And totally ironic that I could have gotten the vase since I don't have to ship it to my neighbor Mary, but oh well. C'est le vie. Or so I'm told. Mary, you do have a vase you can use, don't you? If not I will get busy with my glass-blower and make you one. (Disclaimer: that was a lie.) 

I know where to find you, Mary. The rest of y'all, have a very happy Scare Day! See ya next week!

Fear Factors

It's a beautiful, sunshiney week here in my neck of the woods; how's life in your sector of the States? Hopefully it's not all dark and spooky and crawling with all sorts of shape-shifting creatures and shoplifting teachers. (Yeah, I don't know what that means either, but I get bonus points for rhyming,   don't I?) And if your forest was crawling with shoplifting teachers, would you be too afraid to go outside? I would, especially if I owned a large collection of designer shoes.

Has there ever been a time when something went bump in the night and you were terrified? Have you experienced the true terror that makes you go like this:

In case you haven't seen these photos yet (um, hello--where've you been? They're even 

more popular than grumpy cat these days.) you can find some right here.

This is what we call Sheer Terror and it's one of those rare moments when your brain completely shuts down and the only thing you can think is "AHHHHHHHHH!"  I experienced this that time Paulashawn hid in the back of my dark car and slowly emerged while driving down the road. It could have ended badly for both of us, but especially for the girl who was in the trunk, not wearing a seat belt. But we averted disaster when my brain finally regained function and went to the next phase: revenge, which has been served slightly cold here on the blog for the past two years.

Then there's Holy Horror, which is when you quickly say a prayer, thinking it will be your last as you see your life flash before your eyes. I've had this happen twice, and both times it was child-birth related. The first was with child #1 (who is now a man! Look at him! Isn't he handsome?)

(He's not satisfied with most his senior pictures, as he was squinting against the BRIGHT Montana sun. He thinks he's looks Chinese, which is ironic because when he was born, the DR. asked if the mailman was Chinese. I never met the mailman. Honest.)

Anyway, the anesthetist (I'm sorry if that caused me to spittle on you when I typed that word) missed and the fluid went somewhere it didn't belong and my blood pressure fell off the chart and I thought, "I'm going to be one of the .01% who die from an epidural!" I don't think I even had time to repent before they got me back to normal. Phew. And then, with child #5, something went wonky with the anesthesia again, (my medical terminology is indubitable) but this time it was as they prepped me for a c-section, and my heartbeat slowed to 30 beats a second. I could hear the sloooow beep ......... beep .......... beep and I thought, "Oh my poor hubby. How is he going to take care of all these kids by himself?" And then they fixed me and I was able to go back to living my old heathen ways.

Then there's Mommy Fear, which happens anytime you worry your children might be having a holy horror experience. This happens to me anytime I hear an ambulance and my children (especially the teenagers) are off in a different direction. This also happens any time I get a phone call from the teens that begins with, "So I was driving and ...."

Next is the Oh Hubby Dear, which happens when you fear your hubby's life is in peril, which it may very well be. This happens frequently, like when he goes on the 50 mile hike a day late and needs to hike 20 miles in one day, by himself, to catch up." But no, you don't need to worry dear wife, because I have my trusty Spot and I will send you a signal every hour so you can follow my progress." Which is great, until the updates stop coming after 6 hours. So you stay up all night thinking your husband and his Spot are in the belly of a bear, because why else would he stop sending Spot signals half-way through the day? Come to find out the Spot, but not the hubby, fell in the river and floated downstream to Hungry Horse. There's other times you can experience Oh Hubby Dear, like when you get the phone calls that begin with, "So how many bones are in your leg? ... And can you still walk if one of them is broken?"

I think life is plenty scary without zombies and goblins and headless shoplifting teachers and all, don't you? Tell me about all the different times you've experience FEAR in all its forms. I'll be waiting right here, biting my nails and watching my hair turn gray. Go ahead, scare me!

This is a public service reminder that would be ticking across the bottom of your screen if only I had the time to figure out how to master such a technical wonder to remind you that this month's prize will be announced next Tuesday, the 28th. Thank you for your support.

What in the Heck?

With the approaching fun, yet somewhat morbid, celebration of All Hallows Eve, aka Night of the Living Dead, aka Auditions for the Zombie Apocalypse, aka The Night Jenna Dislikes, aka The Night Lori Should Repent of Her Teasing, aka Halloween, it seems like the perfectly reasonable time to think about something unthinkable. Something unspeakable. Something that will get me in trouble with my kids--for swearing. Quick, everyone cover your ears!

We are going to talk about H.   E.   Double hockey-sticks.

More specifically, let's talk about Dante's Inferno.

This a real, live place called Door to Hell in Turkispakishstanish. It is not on my bucket list of dream destinations. It scares me. I'm going to have nightmares. No, you may not interpret nightmares about Lori going to the Door to Hell, thank you very much!

You remember reading Dante's Inferno in high school, right? (Devree, this should still be fresh in your mind! And no, not because you are a heck-child, but because you were in high school more recently than the rest of us.) I don't know why this piece of literature stuck with me when not a lot else did, but I found this piece fascinating.

So this fella, Inferno, goes on a journey (wait, I think I got that backwards. It was Dante, not Inferno. My bad!) to the center of the Earth with Brenden Fraser and Josh Hutcherson in search of dinosaurs or something or other, but instead, finds the 9 circles of HELL. At the gate to hell (BTW, my older siblings all attended a high school called HELLGATE. Yikes. That would be a scary place to get an education!) he saw a sign that said, "Fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on the other guy." (No, it really said ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE. I don't think I would have gone in, would you?)

Dante proceeds through the 9 circles and learns of the different sins and their accompanying punishments, like souls being blown about in a fierce windstorm, without ever resting. Fascinating, yes?

Well guess what? You don't have to travel to the center of the Earth to find the 9 circles of hell. Yes, some of them are right here on the surface! But, most of these are not everlasting, and we do have the opportunity to run away from said heckness whenever we want, so we are going to need to use our imaginations. Let's pretend that these 9 circles are real, and that once you get inside the circle you can never leave, never sleep--never get respite from the circle.

Here's mine:

Circle #1 Flat-ab-u-less: (You see what I did there?) Being forced to look at internet pictures of mothers with amazing abs and explanations of how you, too, can get these abs with only 10 minutes a day (even if you've had 20 kids!)
Circle #2 Gluteny: Being forced to eat only bread and rolls with no fruits, no fiber, no almonds. 
Circle #3  Annoyingnessness: One song looping continuously, and that song is "What Does The Fox Say."
Circle #4 Gloomy Roomy: Nonstop rain and gray, stormy skies
Circle #5 Miley Cyrus: Miley Cyrus
Circle #6 Authorlessless: Have a plethora of wonderful story ideas, but the inability to form words into coherent sentences. And stuff.
Circle #7 Crabby Mommydom: having at least one of your 5 children complain about EVERY meal you slave over.
Circle #8 Trickle-Stream Netflicks: streaming so slow that you can't watch all your favorite shows, including White Collar.
Circle #9 Endless Laundry Land: it never ends.

This is in refrence to Circle #1. I like pictures of Redneck Abs much better.

What kinds of things make you feel like you are living in your own personal bad place, especially if you were forced to relive it over and over and over again? Will you take me through your 9 circles of hell? And will you forgive me for typing that damning word so many times? But, 'tis the season, no?

Also, just FYI, I'm doing a teeny tiny schedule change. There's 5 weeks of October, and who needs to hear from me 5 times this month? (I talk to my family 6 times a month and they think that's WAY too much.) So, next week will be the last post for the month BUT, I'll post the winner on the following Tuesday (the 29th) instead. I'll keep with that schedule for the rest of the year, so 3 weeks of posts and one week of winning. That should work well with the lighter, fluffier, but more filling holidays which are forthcoming in the foreseeable future. O-kazay?

Never Trick, Only Treat

Do you love October? Is you answer YES? Then keep reading! (If your answer was NO, keep reading!)

My kiddos love October, and say that Halloween is their second favorite holiday, right behind Christmas. (Personally, I prefer Nunavut Day, but maybe that's just me. What, you don't know what Nunavut Day is? Well, then you must not be very Canadian, eh. (BTW, did you know they have a holiday practically every month in Canada? I just don't understand why US Congress is debating budget things when they could be finding ways to get us more holidays! DUH! There's something so wrong with our government.) Oh oops, I need another ) right here) to show that I ended that first sub-thought which then became another sub-thought. Was that last thought also a sub-thought, thus requiring more of these ((( and these )))?

(My blog would be a lot shorter and therefore easier to read if I could just stay on track!) Anywaywearetalkingabout: OCTOBER! My kids are aflutter with excitement. (No joke, one of my children flutters. It is a fabulous phenomenon which I don't know how to rectify.) Of course Halloween is fun for the kids, what with getting candy from strangers and what not, but I do think it's fun for us old people too. (Anything that makes my kids happy makes me happy!) It is a time to be silly and live out subdued fantasies.

I'll admit that I don't usually dress up for Halloween. I'm usually so exhausted trying to put stuff together for the kids (and making treats for parties and celebrating Teen #2's birthday  (He's a Halloweenie!)) that I consider myself lucky to have normal make-up on. Last year, I went all out and dressed up as Pam (from The Office) for Halloween. All I had to do was wear a cardigan, skirt and flats. Most people just thought I looked really nice for a casual activity like Trick-or-Treating. This year, the kids are being Minions, so I'm considering being either Gru or Agnes.

My favorite costume from when I was a kid was when mom made me a princess costume that was silky green with sequins around the neckline. It was cold that year (surprise, Montana!) and I chose to wear my puffy parka underneath my gown, so people could still see the dress. I might have looked like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man gone moldy.

My second (and third) favorite costumes were not worn by me, but by my parents. My dad dresses up for Halloween like never, so I don't know what kind of deal my mom made to get him in this costume, but it was THE CUTEST. They were Raggedy Ann and Andy. Aw, sweet! (Pictures do exist. I need to raid mom's photo albums next time I go home.)

I'm a sucker for any kind of fluffy animal costume for wee little children, and it makes me a wee bit sad I don't have any littles to wear these costumes. The teenagers might object if I try to dress them up as a puppy and an otter again.

I also like clever costumes like a picture of a quarter taped to your back. (Quarterback) and smarties glued to your pants (Smartie ... oh, you can figure it out, can't you?)

If I decide to go all out this year or the next or the next, I think it would be fun to be Ms. Havisham.

Helena-Bonham Carter always has the COOLEST costumes. I wonder if she dresses up for Halloween? 

My dream costume would be to "borrow" Lady Curzon's famous peacock dress, which weighed 10 pounds and was made from gold cloth, peacock feathers (surprise!) and the wings of scarab beetles (not a fan of that part, but what can you do? Pick them all off? Don't think so.)

 You can see more pics and read about the dress here.

How about you? What's your favorite costume you've ever worn? Favorite costume you've seen someone else wear? Dream costume? How about this year: what are you going to be? What will your kids/ roommates/ rodents be?

Discuss, discuss (but please, do not cuss!).

You're an Animal!

I'm sure all of you have taken a personality test at some point along the road of life. Why do we take these? To prove that we do, in fact, have a personality? It is kind of silly when you think about it that we try to classify everyone into certain groups when our very fingerprints remind us that no two people are ever the same. But, I do find psychology fascinating and I do think the certain aspects of personality typing can be helpful, both for figuring out your own MO, as well as as well as the MO's of those you associate with, IMHO.

I have had a difficult time finding a personality test that reads me correctly though. Every time I take one, I find that my personality is equally distributed across all areas. For example, I'm a quarter red, a quarter blue, a quarter white, a quarter yellow. It's almost like they think I have multiple personalities! Which is weird because you guys know that's far from the case! So I have come up with my own personality test, and since the colors have already been copyrighted, as well as letters and numbers, my personality test corresponds with animals! (My apologies to any animal that this might offend. Please don't take it personally. Or animally.) So ...  ask yourself these questions:

Do you find that you are easily provoked?
Do you always have to be right?
Do you find yourself short on patience?
Do you express your opinions, regardless of the offense that these statements may give?
Do you dislike others telling you what to do?
Do you think everyone else is stupid?

  I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, then you are a Baboon.


Do you bend over backwards to please others?
Do you constantly worry about what others think of you or your actions?
Do you cry over fictional characters?
Do you frequently change your mind?
Do you have a hard time letting go of the past?
Do you like to eat chocolate?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, then you are a Hamster. 

Do you like to laugh, a lot?
Do you laugh so loud it echos all the way to Mexico?
Do you frequently raise your voice when talking to others, just to make certain everyone can hear your funny story?
Do you gloat over your number of followers/friends/groupies on Instatwittbook?
Do you feel sad and lonely when leaving a party?
Do you take a daily selfie?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, you are a Hyena. 

Do you obsess about your body?
Do you believe that if you've got it, you should flaunt it?
Do you talk about your daily workout for longer than you actually worked out?
Do you own a Speedo?
Do you know the names of all the people on Jersey Shore?
Do you drive a Trans Am?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, you are a Stallion (baby).

Do you consider sleep to be your favorite passtime?
Do you aim for 14 hours of sleep a day, but can still function if you get 12?
Do you like pajamas and bathrobes more than designer jeans?
Do you wait until 2 pm before you comb your hair?
Do you consider chewing gum to be a great alternative to brushing your teeth?
Do you turn your phone on silence so no one will interrupt one of your 5 naps?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions, then you are a Sloth.

Did you take my highly scientific test? What were your results?

I'm just kidding. Don't really take it. But you may answer the questions by proxy for your loved ones, co-workers, and neighbors. Yes, really do that!

But answer me this: have you taken other personality tests? Do you take stock in them? Which color or letter are you?

If you haven't taken a test or can't remember your results or want to help those of use who can't remember what all the colors and letters mean, what traits classify your personality?

And ... do you find that you have a hard time getting along with certain personality types? Do you look for certain traits when you make new friends? And do you think we would all get along if we were to have a girl's night at my house? (This Friday! Everyone come. No wait, don't. The house isn't clean. I'll get back to you on that.)

Like I said above, I'm seriously a flibbertigibbet and I have traits of each personality type. I get along with pretty much everyone. I am blessed to have so many wonderful friends here and there and everywhere! As I have aged, I have realized that friends don't have to share all the same interests and hobbies: there just needs to be mutual respect, devotion, and compassion. And since I asked you, I shall have to answer this one as well: yes, sometimes I have a hard time getting along with Baboons and Stallions. But I don't typically go for the jugular. The Sloth in me has learned to just avoid the Baboons and Stallions and just keep my head under the covers.

OK, it's your turn. Go go go!

Giving Warm Fuzzies to a Winner

It's been so long since I've posted a winner that I almost forgot how to do it. I almost made each of you buy me a prize instead! Hardy har har. But! That's a great idea, isn't it? We should do that sometime. Any person who leaves a comment will be forced to buy me something! How many comments do you think I will get? (I'm thinking it will be somewhere in the 500 range.)

OK, I did it different this time. All the weeks of August and September were eligible for the prize, so I just added up all the comments for a grand total of 53 (oh wait, I think I'm way off on my 500 guesstimate in the above aforementioned paragraph.) comments. I then typed in Random.org on my computadora to go to the website of Random.org, and low and behold, this webby page thingy popped up with a random number generator. I entered 1 thru 53. It then gave me the random number of 29. I then scrolled through each and every comment until I got to comment number 29 (this was difficult since I only know how to count to 16 and that's just in Spanish!) and I found that the winner is from last week's post on California and Dreamin. And the winner is comment #2 from that week ... it's Paulashawn!

Paula, how long has it been since you were a true winner? I'm so glad you finally came around! And I know you are probably going to try and be benevolent and pass on the prize, but these are things you all love, so you can't refuse!

# uno   Hottie Cocoa

(it's levitating!)

#dos   The fluffiest slippers you ever did feel!

#tres   The snuggliest blanket you ever did snuggle with!

See, you want all these things, don't you? (Say yes!)

(My photography skills are borderline professional today!) 

Can you tell that I am greatly concerned about the cold that is descending upon us? I will feel much better if I know you will be able to stay warm this winter, so let me share my warmth with you! I shall mail them to you posthaste. (Or probably laterhaste.)

See y'all back next week!

Dream Sketcher

I know what you are thinking. You saw "dream" in the title and you groaned a little inside, didn't you? You were thinking, "Great, Lori is going to be talking about beaches again. And almonds. That's all she ever talks about." But NO! You are wrong, wrong, wrong. This is something entirely different. We are going to talk about my other favorite subject: SLEEP.

Do dreams fascinate you? (My goodness, you do dream, don't you? I don't want to offend anyone who doesn't dream, or has insomnia, or a new baby.) I find it amazing that the mind can be so active when the rest of your body is comatose. It gives me great reassurance that I'm not brain dead after all! My dreams vary from strange to mundane to scary (although that doesn't happen all that often) to creative to inspirational. I typically remember my dreams and have decided that I should sleep extra long (like 14-16 hours a day) so I have more dreams to think about when I'm awake.

I didn't have a lot of nightmares as a child, but when I did, the dream was always the same: A band of robbers would come out of the closet and be lurking in Paula's room and I would see them there and become frozen with fear and not be able to move, let alone scream. I now know that this means that I was actually afraid of Paula and she was stifling me and not allowing me to express myself. (JK Paulawog.)

Picture from here.

Occasionally, I will have a nightmare and it always involves something bad happening to one of my children. Those are THE WORST. Interpretation: I love and care about my children's' well-being, even if I am the kind of mom who is glad when they head off to school each morning.

Of course you know that Twilight began as a dream, and this happens a lot to other authors. Did I ever tell you guys that The Reign of Trees was born from a dream as well? I know it sounds cliche, but that's a super amazing experience. Many great book ideas have been hatched this way, but sadly sometimes I forget what they were before I have a chance to get up and write them all down. It's also possible that the ideas really aren't that great but in my sleep-induced delusion, I think something is profound and it's really about as worthless as clothes in Miley Cyrus' dressing room.

One thing that always baffles me is when you dream of a person from your past that you haven't seen in over a decade (or longer) and that you don't even recall thinking about in practically just as long. These dreams mean that you are a bad friend and you should really keep in better touch with people.

Weird dreams are my personal favorite. I love it when you wake up and you're like "WHAT THE ???" Just last week I had one of these which involved a large group of children letting off hundreds of yellow helium balloons (wait for it) and on top of each balloon was a red Clifford stuffed animal, all of different makes and sizes, hand-selected by the child to release into the atmosphere. Now let's remember I don't have little children anymore, so I haven't seen a Clifford movie, book, or stuffed animal in a couple of years. What the heck did that mean? ... Rising balloons mean a desire to escape from life (hello last week's post about living on the beach!) and embrace my inner child.  Yellow represents brightness and sunshine (hello last week's post about living on the beach!) and Clifford the dog means that I am larger than life (hello ... um nothing I've ever said anytime, anywhere). So all of those elements put together means I shouldn't drink so much Dirty Diet Coke. (You have had one, haven't you?)

(Google search Clifford + Balloons)

I frequently have "teeth" dreams, although they seem to be decreasing as I get old (oh no, not THAT again).  Basically, it's like when Sylvester the Cat gets hit in the mouth and his teeth are like piano keys, and they play the scale as they fall from his mouth. In my dreams, this happens while I'm trying to talk to someone and every time I say another word, out flies another tooth. This means that I'm vain and that I'm insecure. It is a good thing I don't have those dreams so much anymore because those are traits I don't really love. I also suspect I don't have those dreams so often now days because my horrid habit of chewing ice is going to make those dreams a reality and who wants to dream about something that will inevitably happen?  (Kinda can't wait for dentures though. Who wouldn't want white, straight teeth that aren't sensitive to heat?)

The other weird dream I have involves gum. I'm chewing a big wad of gum and I try to spit it out, but it just keeps growing and growing. I try to pull the gum out for what feels like forever, but I can never get it all out of my mouth, so I can't talk and all I do is mumble to people, sounding like I just swallowed an entire can of marshmallow creme. This means that I feel like I have problems expressing myself (says the writer with a bad case of writers block) or oftentimes am not able to say what is on my mind (says the coward who backs away from any confrontation). It also could mean that I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew (yes Primary, I'm looking at you).

What frequent dreams do you have? Anything scary? Or just plain weird?

Do you remember a particular dream that was just amazing? Do you ever want to fall back asleep so that you can stay in that certain Dreamland?

And since I am now certified with a BC in Dreamology from the University of Anywhere (Online), I will interpret your dreams for you! So tell me all about them, and I will tell you what is really wrong with your life. (I promise to be gentle)

Picture from this site right here.

Ready? Let's get lost in the world of Inception!

Plus: it's the end of the month, so I will have a prize for one super lucky person! Make sure you come back Thursday to see who has Lady Luck on their side!