Cookies and Milk Mustaches

We interrupt this hump day to give you something to be excited about ... something other than Halloween and endless candy and parties and slutty costumes and so on. (It's a good thing I'm here to give out a prize or you guys would be hopelessly bored!)

I found this funny Guess the Mustache type game that I thought would be perfect, because hipsters are known for their love of mustaches. Also because if you can easily recognize all the famous mustaches, you probably spend more time watching TV than you do talking to real people.

This is the game:

But giving you just a game would be lame, so:

I'm making BlogAway history and giving you a homebaked goodie. We LOVE pumpkin chocolate chip cookies here at my house, so I wanted to send some to our missionary son, and I thought (I know it's dangerous when I think) why not send some as a blog prize as well? I'm too lazy to take a picture, but they look just like all of these. They are delicious: I had one for breakfast so I can testify to the truthfulness of that statement. You will need milk to top them off, but I'm not going to send that via postal service: you'll have to get a gallon of milk all on your own. And then you can play Guess the Stache all over again by making famous milk mustaches. (Milk is good for your skin, so that's a win win kind of game.)

 This month's winner is comment #6: DEVREE!!!!

Get me your address ASAP so I can get those in the mail before I eat them all (the cookies, not the card game. I gave up my paper eating habit years ago.)

I probably won't post next week, but watch for a new topic sometime in November and we'll get to reconnect then. See you soon!

It's Hip to Not Care

Oh hello blog. I'm surprised you didn't vanish into the great abyss of the internet this past month while I have been MIA. ... Or did you?

I've been busy typing away on a new story. I sort of love it right now and I hope someday you will sort of really love it too! But in the meantime, I've been thinking about something:

Did you know I'm socially awkward? If you don't know this about me, it's only because you've never met me before. But since society has not only accepted nerds, but put them on a pedestal and labeled them HIP(sters), it seems to me that being socially awkward (or being a geek, as we called it back in the 80's) should be the new extrovert.

That's right: being an extrovert (aka popular and likeable) is no longer en vogue. (See how hip I am? I knew to type "en" instead of "in." Yay me!) If you are one of these friendly, gregarious types, you are going to need to switch to the now more-accepted and trendy introvert disposition. But don't worry: I'm here to help you every step of the way.

Here's my guide to being socially awkward:

1. If you see someone you know vaguely in the grocery store, by all means avoid them. Do not make eye contact! An extrovert would say "hi" and engage in friendly conversation, but remember you are no longer an extrovert. If necessary, hide your face in the deep freezer to avoid contact.

2. Although you don't want to be friendly enough to say hello, you should always, always wave back at people, even if you might not know the person initiating the wave. It's always best to return a wave when you are in a crowded location, especially when there are people standing near you who might actually be the intended recipient of said wave. And please make sure your wave isn't a simple palms up, like giving an air five. Make sure your hand looks like it is suffering from an unexpected spasm.

3. When it is necessary to speak with someone--especially someone you admire--make sure you mix up your words as often as possible. Instead of saying "Thank you," say "thankS you," or instead of saying "will do," say "will done." Don't politely shoot the breeze about the breeze (or lack thereof, or whatever the current weather condition); always discuss deeper topics, like, "Have you heard about Pluto? It's a planet again. What a comeback for the underdog, eh?" (It's also socially awkward [and therefore cool] to speak like a Canadian even if you aren't from Canada.)

4. Whenever possible, allow for long, awkward pauses in any (and all) conversations. It is also acceptable not to reply if someone is talking directly to you. Just say, "Oh sorry, I wasn't paying attention to you."

5. Reference bacon frequently.

6. Never compliment. Instead of telling someone they look nice, say, "You look tired. Didn't you get any sleep last night?" or "You're really packing it on. How much weight have you gained this week?" Also acceptable: "You would look nice wrapped in bacon."

7. Good manners are no longer necessary in order to be a part of the socially awkward revolution. You may shovel your food into your mouth with both hands. You may chew with your mouth open. You may also blow your nose loudly when in public. There's no need to stress out over perfectly normal bodily functions which were once deemed impolite or even gross. Just let your body do what it wants to do! Picking your nose, however, is only acceptable when you are in your car.

8. Every once in a while, wear an item of clothing backwards or inside out. Underclothing does not count, as it cannot be seen.

9. If you want to have clout in your community, spread word you are developing a bacon-themed video game.

10. Talk to Siri more than you talk to "real" people.

*I have tried many of these steps myself, but not all. I cannot claim to be perfectly socially awkward, but give me another ten years living like a hermit in the woods and I might achieve the pinnacle of social imperfection.

What tips do you have to help others become more socially awkward? If you are currently an extrovert, perhaps it would help you to think of someone you may know who has exhibited exemplary awkwardness, or perhaps you could mention the opposite of what your past amicable self would do. Share your inner (or outer) nerd with us!

This IS a winning week (or month or whatevs) so make sure you comment by next Tues. the 28th and I will announce a winner on Weds. the 29th. What will you win? Nobody knows! Not even me! We will all be pleasantly surprised, won't we? 

And BTW: I've missed each and every one of you (Yes, even the spambots! And the autobots! But not the decepticons.) and I hope all is well with all of y'all this fall! <3

Be Still ...

Let's be honest. Life is hard.

Busy, noisy, competitive, conflicting, emotional, exhausting.

But.

It doesn't have to be overwhelming. We can find peace. In fact, we NEED to find peace.

Within each of us is an innate desire to BE STILL.

Love this picture. I found it here, photo by blogger Cheryl.

Life, more than ever, is full of noise and distraction. It is all too easy to find entertainment in front of a screen, and it seems harder and harder to find the time to get out and enjoy life rather than just watching it. I fall for this frequently, as I want to spend as much time writing as possible, but every time I unplug and go outside, I feel as if I can breathe better, think clearer and smile more readily. I feel refreshed.

We didn't get to spend as much time hiking in the mountains and visiting different lakes this summer as we would have liked, but the time we did get to spend out exploring was heavenly. I think when we find ourselves in areas that are largely untouched by man, we find God. It is then, in the quiet, when our hearts are connected with Deity, that we find ourselves.

The trail less traveled. Mt Aeneas, overlooking my house. 
(You see those two closest lakes? I live right between them. Yup. Lucky girl)

Our lives can gain greater focus, greater purpose, greater direction, the more we are able to find time to BE STILL.

Where do you go when you want to be still? How do you make time to unplug? Where is the one place on earth that you think looks the most like heaven? Do you find a secluded place in a park to sit and ponder? Or do you clear your head while jogging through quiet streets? How do you find peace?

Montana Sky (Not the internet company. The REAL Montana Sky.)

Before you go and leave me a heartwarming and inspirational comment, I have to interrupt your thought process for a second. Do you remember how I said I want to spend as much time writing as possible? Well, I have decided that in order for that to happen, I need to spend less time on social media (which explains why I just joined Instagram. ???) and more time talking to myself. (Sounds like a great recipe for mental health, doesn't it?) I'm going to cut back on blogging, but I don't know how much. I've decided to make my blog schedule totally random. Some months I'll post several times and other months I might only post once. I will still post on Tuesdays, so if you don't follow BlogAway on a blog reader like Feedly, you can just check back weekly and see if there is a new post. I will also post links on Facebook, so you can find new posts that way. I'll let you know if that week is a prize week, but those will just be random as well, so you'll have to be on your toes pretty much all the time. (Snoozing = Losing) Alright?

AND, did you download Episode 2 of The Hitch? Did you read it? Did you have an opinion about what you read? THEN LEAVE A REVIEW ON AMAZON. (I wasn't yelling at you. I was just being enthusiastic. !!!) Now's your chance: make me see stars!

Go and be at peace my young padawan. (BTW, the movie theater I saw Star Wars in as a kid was just demolished. I feel so old. And like my childhood is being brushed under the rug! It's disheartening.) Anyway ... peace. Be still. Tell us how. Go!

The Hunt Is Over

Here. It. Is.

(Why aren't there any exclamation marks in the preceding sentences? Let's try again.)

Here! It! Is!

Episode 2 of The Hitch is now available! Download a copy of Treasure Hunt FREE Sunday through Thursday. And since I'm so generous to let you read for free: will you be so generous as to leave an Amazon review? Muchas Thankas! 

Swimmer's Itch

If you're not accustomed to lake swimming, you might not know what "The Itch" is. It happens late in the summer, when parasites float through the water looking for a new host (usually waterfowl) and come in contact with human skin. The larva penetrate the skin but find that humans aren't suitable hosts and die just under the skin. (Lovely, no?) They then cause an inflammatory immune reaction, giving the swimmer big red, itchy welts. It ain't pretty. No siree. (Or no Siri, if you are the tech savvy type.) If you want to see how pretty it ain't click here. But if looking at nasty rashes on pasty white people ain't your thing, then just keep a readin'.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. We actually have learned how to avoid "The Itch" and haven't had to deal with it in years. Maybe I'm bringing it up because "The Itch" sounds like "The Hitch" and I was hoping to have Episode 2 ready for you to download this week.

But alas, we've been spending too much time swimming (but not itching) and I haven't been able to put the finishing touches on it to make it as perfect as Montana sunset. (No picture, sorry. You'll just have to use your imagination.)

Maybe I also mention "The Itch" because I'm itching to do some serious writing once the kiddos are back in school. I might have to wear mittens so I don't scratch myself to death in the next 2 weeks. I can make it? Yes I can!

But can you make it one more week to read Episode 2 of "THE HITCH?" Yes you can! It will be worth the wait. And completely itch-free.

Sensational Summer

Hey! I'm late posting today, and not because I forgot, but because I broke Blogger. I wanted you guys to see how lovely Montana is in the summertime, but I added too many photos and a big error message popped up and said, LORI JUST GET ON INSTAGRAM! 

But alas, I have whittled down my photo montage to give you just the best of the West. 

This is Bannack, a ghost town in SW Montana

 I was worried because I didn't have my big camera when we stopped in Bannack, but my little cell phone did A-OK.


The canola fields in bloom in early July:

Same area, playing with filters:

Speaking of filters, I did something strange with this pic of a cabin in the mountains,
but it turned out sorta awesome.

Love how technology lets us look more talented than we really are. :)

Wheat field, back to using no filtas:

At my house, the sun after a heavy rainstorm:  

And what's a summer photo album without a picture of a lake? Here's Flathead:

Now you know what my summer has looked like; I want to know what you've been up to this summer. But since you can't post pictures in comments (lame Blogger!), you're going to have to use your senses and describe it to me. Remember when we did Christmas Senses? Let's do the same thing, but with summer. 

So, 

Summer sounds like: boats on the lake, kids playing in the water, foxes yelping in the night

Summer smells like: fresh huckleberries and the fresh, mossy smell of the forest

Summer looks like: heaven (see above)

Summer tastes like: Sweet Peaks Ice Cream and homemade huckleberry milkshakes

Summer feels like: warm sunshine on my face and shoulders, cold lake water on my toes. 

Your turn: share your summer senses with us! And make sure you stop back in 2 weeks, because I will have an awesome prize for ALL. (Hint, it rhymes with THE WITCH, but it has nothing to do with Halloween.) (Got it?)

So ...

Hell. O. (The O was just a little late joining the conversation. I wasn't swearing. Promise.)

So, I seem to have over-estimated my abilities to continue on with "normal" things (like blogging) this summer. I have also under-estimated the amount of time and energy it takes to get a child ready for a two-year mission. Because of my miscalculations, I seem to be short on time. And that means I'm going to skip posting this week, as well as skip a prize for July. My sincere apologies to those of you who were planning on using this month's prize as part of your dowry/portfolio/bequeathment. 

I'll talk to you again in August, assuming I'm not sequestered at the State Mental Hospital posthaste. :0

Land That I Love

  

Happy Birthday America! 

The 4th of July is always a favorite holiday of mine because 1. the weather is nice 2. it's exciting
3. there's food.

But maybe it's time I look past all the festivities and think about the true meaning of the 4th. (Santa Claus!) (I mean the Easter Bunny!) (I mean Leprechauns!)

See what I mean?

Recently, we had the opportunity to go to an advanced screening of America, the movie, presented by Bigfork resident and one of the kindest men in all the world, producer Gerald Molen. This movie makes you think. This movie makes you feel. This movie makes you want to DO.

Rather than blogging about a silly topic, I thought I would challenge all of us to DO something. Be better informed. Read the Constitution. Study history to see what was important to our founders. Pay attention to the news; and that means doing your due diligence to make sure you are reading both sides of the story. News agencies are not fair and impartial. What was once reserved for the OPINION sections is now front page. You need to read the same subject from several different sources so you can see both sides and then YOU can make an informed decision. Once you have made a decision: do something about it. Help to inform others. Let your voice be heard, even if it might not be the popular opinion. Support organizations you believe in. There's a thousand and one ways you could donate money, but it's just as important to donate your time. Find a way to get involved.

America is a house divided, and we all know what happens to houses which are divided.

I have a simple solution to help bridge the divide.

LOVE MORE

Instead of criticizing, complaining, bellyaching, shouldn't we all be more vocal about that which we love? And if someone expresses an opinion different from our own, rather than cutting them down, calling them names, and bullying them into silence, shouldn't we EMPATHIZE with them and their circumstances? We don't all have to think the same. We should RESPECT different view points.

Be passionate about America. How many hundreds of thousands have given their lives so that we may have freedom? Can't we all do just a little bit more to fight for what we believe in?

GO and DO.

In the comments, share something you love about America. When you stop and think about it, it's almost impossible to choose just one thing. :) I love that America is still a land of opportunity. If you can dream it, you can do it. What do you love?

And ... I bet you thought I forgot to pick a winner! (Almost guilty as charged.) For the month of June, I added the comment threads from both weeks together for a total of 17 comments, giving everyone who commented a chance (and then some!) to win. Random.org spit out comment #16, LivingstonlifeinMT! (Cutting it kind of close with your last day comment; is this how you do your visiting teaching?) I'll have Nicole J. get in touch with you. And THANKS SO much Nicole. Jamberry wraps are the bomb! Go buy some from her guys, like now! (Because we love them and we are supposed to support the things we love!)

OK, your turn. Show some love for 'Merca. 

Speak To Me

Hey! Ho! (Or is it Ho! Hey!?) Guess what is missing from BlogAway this week?





It's Lori's brain. It got lost sometime between end of the school year craziness, our first high school graduation experience, and the awesome Greeks and Greeks family reunion. If you happen to see my brain lingering at any of those locations, will you kindly give it a swift kick and send it in my direction? I would be much obliged. (All of those things were super fun and important, BTW, and I would do them over and over again, even if it meant that my brain would be forever lost within a deep abyss of disorganized chaos.)

So, in lieu of a typical blog post that would be written if my brain were present, you, dear BlogAway readers, will be writing the post this week.

What's that you say? You're not prepared? You do not know what topic to speak of?

Well never you fear, it will be simple. And you learned how to do this in high school. What is it exactly that you will be doing?

Why giving an impromptu speech, of course. Except you won't be speaking; you'll be typing.

Your impromptu speech should follow this standard format:
1. Attention getter/introduction
2. First main point
a. supporting example (s)
3. Second main point
a. supporting example (s)
4. Conclusion

You may spend no more than 3 minutes brainstorming/researching your topic. And you may spend no more than 5 minutes typing your speech. (Honor system here! You must clock yourself.) Your speech should be left in the comment section and should be several sentences long.

But what will you speak of? Here. You. Go.

1. Plants have feelings too.
2. If I ruled the world ...
3. You are an ant. Convince an anteater not to eat you.
4. Explain three uses for a pencil besides using one for writing.
5. Tell us about the last movie you saw. Critique it.
6. If all the good superheroes suddenly turned bad and began to fight against each other, who would win and why?
7. Tell us how to become a millionaire.
8. Tell us how to survive a zombie apocalypse.
9. If only one actor could be in every movie made during the upcoming year, who would it be and why?
10. You were just told to "build it and they will come." What will you build and who will come?

Pick a topic! Any topic! But maybe don't pick a topic that someone else has already used, unless you think your speech could be more persuasive, dynamic, or amusing than a previous commentor. (How competitive are you?) Your goal is to entertain, persuade, inform, enlighten.

Do you accept this challenge? Will you be my brain? Then let's WRITE THIS BLOG!

Remember, you want to win Nicole's Jamberry nails. I saw them in real life and they are just about the cutest thing ever. (Her daughter is the cutest thing ever, therefore, the nails are just about the cutest.)

OK, let's do this! Pick a topic and speak from the heart. It will be a work of art.

 

Lots of Lori

Happy June! (As in the month; not the person.) (Unless a person named June is reading this. Then I would say Happy June June!) (?)

First up: we have a winner from May. But her name's not May. But she will be glad anyway. Today is really her day. We also have a prize to give to the winner for May. What do you say? Hooray! Hooray! (I've been studying my Dr. Seuss.)

Week #1 was the winning week, and since that week was all about quotes, I though everyone would like another quote-type thingy to add to their collections.

I found this, which isn't just a typography box, but also a candle holder. Bonus! It's like two gifts in one! So I decided two people should win this and share the gift between themselves! But then I realized that might not work if one of the winners lives in Mexico and the other lives in Alaska. So ... just one winner. And that winner is Comment #8. Marie! Yippee! You deserve a pick-me-up this week! I'll get it to you.

Next up: do you want to know what you can win for the month of June? (Huh, huh, do you?) We don't know yet which week will be the winning week, so you'll want to make sure you comment both times. But we do know that this is the prize:

An extra set of hands, just for you! Isn't this exactly what you have always wanted? 

I'm just joking--it's actually Jamberry nail wraps! What are Jamberry nail wraps? They are the latest, coolest accessory. With hundreds of different designs, your nails are sure to be a work of art! They last on your fingernails for up to two weeks and on toenails for up to four weeks. And here's the best part of all ... our own Nicole Jessop is an Independent Consultant for Jamberry. Click here to like her page on Facebook. 

Nicole is sponsoring the prize for June. Thanks Nicole! You are the best! If you want to contact her to order your own Jamberry wraps, look for her contact info on her FB page or leave her a message in the comments.

Now for this week! Last time, I tried to remember facts about you guys and tried to match the comment with the commenter. (I wasn't smokin' hot. At least not brain-wise. Ha ha. Ha.) This week, I'm going to give you a peek into my mind. It might be scary. Brace yourself.

So this will be multiple choice and you have to guess which one Lori would most likely do, or want, or need, or buy. Like this ...

1.  I need a new car. (Mine is held together with duct tape and only starts every other day. Or even less than that.) So if I were to buy a new car this summer, which car would I most likely buy? (Being realistic; no room for dreams here.)

a. A new mom car (aka, a Suburban.)
b. The Montana State Car (Subaru wagon)
c. A hippie bus (VW van)
d. A yuppie mobile (an Audi All-road wagon.)

2. I've been swamped lately. I would love to find an extra hour to spending doing what I want, not what I need to do. If I had that hour, I would:

a. Take a nap
b. Read a book
c. Go for a hike
d. Watch TV

3. If I were ever in the vicinity of a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, I would inquire about having some work done. I would ask about getting:

a. Laser wrinkle removal
b. Botox
c. Boobs
d. Varicose vein removal

4. If I had some extra dough to expand my summer wardrobe, I would buy:

a. Lots of sparkly sandals
b. Lots of colorful jewelry
c. Workout clothes
d. Swimsuit cover-ups

5. If I could travel anywhere in the world right now, I would go to:

a. Germany
b. England
c. California
d. No where at all

6. My favorite outfits generally consist of:

a. Jeans and casual tops
b. Workout pants and fleece jackets
c. Workout pants and t-shirts
d. Pajamas

7. If I ever got arrested, it would be for:

a. Disorderly conduct
b. Shoplifting
c. Trespassing
d. Child abandonment

8. For dessert tonight, I would like to have:

a. Chocolate cake and a glass of cold milk
b. A bowl of almonds
c. Ice Cream
d. Chocolate chip cookies.

This quiz might prove that you think you know me but you really don't ... not at all! It's like I'm another person entirely. (It's my Personality #3 day.) Or do you know me like the back of your hand? (Does that mean you frequently backhand me? Or a picture of me? Goodness, I don't like where this is headed.)

Leave me your answers. I won't tell you if you are right or wrong for a few days ... I'll let everyone weigh in before I give away any spoilers. OK, go! (Remember, you want the nail wraps. Comment, comment, comment!)

The State of The Blog Address, III

Guess what? It's that time of the year again--it's our BlogAway Birthday! 3 years! Yay for us!

Look how excited we are! (Hey, is it just me or are you guys FAKE CLAPPING? Rudeness. I even gave you party hats!) 

So this past year, we've grown up a lot. We've talked about deep things like the importance of being a mom and not just another hot bod. We talked about not having to be perfect and we talked about our insecurities.

But, since I can never grow up too much, despite my old age, we still played games and did silly things, like Would You Rather and What's in Your Wallet? I mean Purse. 

And! We welcomed a new book into the family! I'm feverishly (ish) working on The Hitch: Episode 2 for your reading enjoyment. You should be able to read it soon (ish).

What does the future hold for the next year of BlogAway? Awesomeness, that's what it holds. (I know because I just called a 1-800 psychic line.) Who knows exactly what we'll be discussing and what we'll be doing for fun, but know this: I appreciate the time you waste spend reading my little blog. I know time is more precious than almonds (which are more precious than diamonds, BTW) and it means the world to me that you choose to spend time with me every week or every other week or every other year or two!

Since sometimes I feel like I have nothing much to say, yet you guys are so good to let me just keep on a babbling, I decided today should be ALL ABOUT YOU!

Here's what we're going to do: Each of you needs to leave an ANONYMOUS comment with 10 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU. It can be anything. What's your favorite movie? Song? Where have you lived? Where have you traveled? What kind of grades did you get in college? What is your favorite food?

You get the point: 10 FACTS about anything which have to do with you.

You will not leave your name. (Remember, be anonymous!)  I will then guess which of my readers have left the comment. You may try and stump me, but you must be completely honest in your facts. (I trust you!)

If I have guessed right, please come back and reveal yourself. If I am stumped or guess wrong, others may try to guess your identity as well. If you don't comment often or not at all, maybe one of your facts could include that little fact just so I don't go entirely looney (I'm already 89% there) trying to guess.

OK, ready to tell me all about you? Have at it!

Don't Quote Me On This ...

Have you ever noticed how much our society likes quotes? Funny, inspirational, long, short--we collect them all. Writing down talking points so we can embed them into our minds and hearts has been around since caveman days, but back then they were called petroglyphs.

This one means: “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” 1

 (It really does say that. Go ahead, sound it out.)

This one means: "The best time to plant a tree is twenty-five years ago. 

The second best time is today." 2

(See, they are thrusting their sickles with all their might. The people on the right 

are holding the small tree. Or maybe it's a turkey. Hard to tell.)

 This one means: "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." 3 &4

(See how crowded it is down there? Looks like a Par-Tay.)

And my personal favorite, "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." 5

(This mom is fishing, ironing, babysitting her son's pet lizard (look carefully) and giving birth (again, look closely, but not too closely if you get squeamish at the sight of such things) simultaneously. Talk about an expert multitasker. Modern women have got nothing on her.)

Quotes attributed to:
1 Mahatma Gandhi
2 Unknown
3 Mark Twain
4 Do I need to repent for LOLing at this quote?
5 Jerry Seinfeld

Anyway, since the dawn of time, we have been decorating the walls of our homes (or caves or walls on Facebook and Pinterest) with quotes. Perhaps you have a few favorites you would like to share?

I have a few more favorites:

"We are mirrors whose brightness is wholly derived from the sun that shines upon us." C.S. Lewis

"So often we become focused on the finish line that we forget to enjoy the journey." Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"We cannot improve the world if we are conformed to the world." Neal A. Maxwell

"The best and most wonderful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched--they must be felt with the heart." Hellen Keller.

What are your favorite quotes you have collected over the years? Do you keep them on your walls or just write them in your journals? Share them with us! Inspire us! Make us laugh! Make us think! (That might be a challenge for me, as I seem to be brainless 90% of the time.) (I'm just so nice to myself. I'm my #1 fan.)

AND: I'm moving to the summer schedule RIGHT NOW. May is so dang busy with all of the end of the year celebrations, so we will have this post, and then one again on May 20th. A winner will be selected from week 1 or week 2, but I won't announce the winner until the beginning of the next month: in this case it will be on June 3rd. Okie dokie artichokey? (The prize will not be an artichoke though, sorry to disappoint.) 

OK, ready, set, QUOTE!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_dreams.html#QY0GFB1q5Ur42iGS.99

REDdy, Set, Win!

It's a great week to be a winner! (Or at least so I've heard. I wouldn't know, since I've never been a winner. Boo hoo.)

Let's just get right down to business so then you can get back to your business and I can get back to my business (monkey) and then everyone can keep out of everyone else's business and we can all just go back to our own little corner of the internet and isolate ourselves from the rest of the world wide web.

That sounded so super depressing. I'm going to drag this out longer so that we can all be together, sharing business for a bit longer. BTW, did you know that I could never spell business right all through elementary school? Isn't that silly? It's kind of an easy word now that I think about it. You know what else I couldn't spell right? Christmas. Also silly. Hey, I never claimed to be a brainiac. (Spellcheck is telling me to change that to braininess, and when I first glimpsed at that word, I thought it said brainless and I was like OH MY HECK I AM SO OFFENDED!)

Let's see ... where was I?

Last week was our wining week. Since it's all about dem der big mooovie stars, I thought I'd get ya one of dem newfangled 3D televisions that make it sos you don't even got to go outside no mores! (I don't know why I'm talking hillbilly either. My brain is a mystery. Someday I'm going to donate it to science so they can see if they can prevent oddities such as me from occurring in future generations.)

Anyway, I was going to get the winner a GINORMOUS 3D TV, but then I checked into the cost of shipping and it was just astronomical. So I had to go with Plan B:

It's a REDBOX gift card. Wahoo! Almost as cool as a 3D TV!

And the winner is comment #8: DEVREEEEEEEEE!

I'll email it to ya Devree! See everyone back here next week. Same time. Same place. Same face. Bring mace.

Cast and a Release

Helloooooo everyboddddy! How was your Easter? Every year I ask the Easter Bunny not to bring so much candy, but does he ever listen to me? No he does not! What good are those big ears if he doesn't even know how to listen? What a waste. Speaking of waists: how many pounds do you think I gained eating Easter candy? (Do NOT answer that!)

I'm excited for this week's post because I get to share some of the inside-my-head details about my new release The Hitch. You downloaded it, right? No? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Get it TODAY! (Did that sound bossy? I'm so sorry. I just wanted it to sound infomercialy. It's so hard to convey tone when writing. Oh wait a second ... I'm a writer. That shouldn't be hard. Oh dear. Am I in the wrong business?) Speaking of business, or more specifically SHOW BUSINESS, a few years ago you might remember me mentioning that I wanted to try my hand at writing a sitcom. Well, my hand didn't like writing sitcoms. (Not my right hand, nor my left hand. It's weird how they are congruent like that.) Writing in TV format smothered my creative process and the story just couldn't take flight.

I was very flustrated. (That word was invented for me. It's so perfect!) I thought the story that had been floating around in my head for months and months was going to have to be forgotten about.

But then I began hearing about EPISODIC novels, which are written in short episodes like a TV series, but follow a novel format. I was delightelated (another perfect word mashup. It will catch on, just wait.) to find a way to bring my characters to life.

Each episode takes place in one week and focuses on the troubles and triumphs of the weddings hosted at Big Sky Brides in the fictional town of Forest Hill, Montana. There is a conflict and a resolution in each episode, but underlying personal and family issues in the Brandt family continue to build throughout the series. The Hitch is just like eating pretzel M&M's: you won't be able to stop with just one and the next thing you know, you'll have a tummy ache. Oh wait, maybe it won't be just like that. Reading The Hitch will be completely belly-ache free. (I just found my tag line!)

Way back when, I posted my dream cast for Wilder Times. Would you like me to do the same thing for The Hitch? Yes? Oh yay--that's exactly what I wanted to do today. You have great suggestions!

If The Hitch made it off the pages of a Kindle and onto the small screen, (not a small screen of a smart phone. The small screen of the TV, which really isn't so small anymore since the average size of a TV is 38 inches. The TV we had when we first got married was an 8 incher. Can you even?) the following people would be cast:

In the role of Jenna Brant:
(BTW, I stole her name from blog-friend Jenna. Cute name for a cute girl. Thanks Jenna!)

Mary Elisabeth Winstead

Jenna is a pretty girl, but she prefers to be known for her mind and her keen business sense. She's kind to everyone (well, with one exception), has a hard time saying "no" (again, with one exception. See below.) is a little bit uptight (OK, a lot uptight) and is as creative as a football uniform designer (meaning that she's not.) I think Mary Elisabeth has that friendly, girl-next-door aura, plus she has dark hair and eyes, which is critical since she is related to this guy:

In the role of Josh Brant:

Josh Groban

Confession: after following Josh on Twitter and realizing how hilarious he is, I thought, "This guy needs to be on a sitcom." And then for some strange reason, the idea for The Hitch was born. The role of Josh was built around Josh. (It's not that confusing. Don't get your Josh's in a bunch.) But that doesn't mean Josh Brant is Josh Groban. Josh Brant's character IS a character (it wouldn't be fiction if I copied an entire persona from an already living person. Plus, that would show that I'm like Jenna Brandt and not very creative.) who is based off of the skills that the actor Josh Groban possesses. (You know he acts, don't you?) Episode 1 mentions that Josh Brandt is a wedding singer and that will have a huge roll in forthcoming episodes. (You know Josh Groban sings, don't you?) Josh Brandt is sarcastic, a little resentful that he's stuck living on the family farm, and is very unlucky in love, which makes him feel like he should be working in a funeral home instead of a wedding venue.

In the role of Nick Timmons:

B.J. Novak

Nick owns the local bar and grill (under the supervision of his father) and has never had the need (or the desire) to live anywhere other than Forest Hill, likely because he's a big fish in a very small pond and most women think he's a major catch. But not Jenna. Even though they dated for time and she has publicly sworn that she would never ever cast her line into such a slimy pond again, that doesn't stop Nick from continually trying to make her think the catch of the day is something other than a carp.

In the role of Dale Polumbus:

Jon Heder

Dale has just come back to town after a very long stint at college. He and Jenna were friends in high school, and even though everyone knew (and frequently teased him about it) that he had a major crush on Jenna, he never had the guts to ask her out on a single date. Why? Because even though their mathlete minds might have been a perfect match, socially they were not. Jenna was popular while Dale was even nerdier than the kid who wore headgear and was allergic to dairy, nuts, wheat, soda pop, and Doritos. Now that Dale's a grown man with a college degree, will he finally find the nerve to tell Jenna  how he really feels?

There's a lot more characters I could introduce you to, but those are all the key players. It's a dream cast and I laugh my head off (it was never screwed on very tight anyway) thinking of the fun those actors and characters could have together.

So tell me: if you could make a dream cast, who would you recruit? It could be for anything: a story you've never told, the story of your life, or book you would like to see on the big screen. Basically, pick your favorite actors or pick actors you think would be amazing together and tell me about it. OK?

This week will be the winning week for the month, so don't you be reading the blog and NOT commenting! A prize and a winner will be announced next week. (But just being my friend is the real prize. Aw!)

I'm History

Hey! Today I'm joining my daughter's class on an all-day field trip. It's a history field trip and I'm a history geek, so I'm excited for a day to explore hands-on history instead of just reading about it in a book or on the web. So ...

You should do something fun today too! I'm giving you the day off. Go ahead. Step away from the computer. (Slowly. No sudden movements. (Just so you don't get dizzy.)) Go try something new! Go explore somewhere you've never been before. Go read a good book. Just do something that makes you happy. OK?

Come back next week and we'll do something SUPER fun, alrighty? See ya then!

Donkey Got Your Tongue?

Um ... hi! So ... what's new ... with you? ... Anything exciting ... going on?

Me neither.

I can't think of anything to talk about. This has been my brain while thinking of the blog the past few days: "Maybe I could write about--wait I've already done that. ........................................ Maybe I could ... no, that'd be lame. ............................................................ What if I ... no, boring. ................................................How about I ..............hmmmmmmm ......................................"

So obviously, I got nothing!

Which makes me wonder: what do you say when there is a lag in the conversation?

You know what I'm talking about. Usually it happens when you are speaking with an acquaintance whom you don't know intimately well and after the initial "how do you dos," there's a long, awkward pause where you both hope that someone will say something brilliant or insightful, but instead, you just listen to crickets chirping.

And if you're like me, you want to fill the void so you say something without even thinking and what comes out of your mouth is something stupid/insensitive/boring/offensive/repetitive/already been said/lame.

My go-to line is usually weather-related. "Some spring we're NOT having, eh?" (That's me speaking to a Canadian.) Which reminds me, if I were speaking to a Canadian, I might say something like, "Do Canadians like their bacon more than Staters like their bacon? Because we REALLY like our bacon, but no one has ever named bacon after us (also U.S.) so does that mean we don't have pride in our bacon?" ... And then the Canadian would look at me like I lost my marbles and then they would find someone else to talk to. (Probably another Canadian because they would deem that all Staters are weird and loopy.)

I might also ask something insensitive like "How's your job," at which the person would respond, "I got fired last month. I told you, remember?" And then I would say, "I was referring to your boob job you got last year when you had a disposable income. I was just wondering how it's ... holding up. And also wondering if you regret spending that money now that you are unemployed."

Sometimes I to try to say something that shows I know my current events, but when I read such current events, I typically remember only the headline and not the details.  So I would say, "Did you hear about the dog who gave birth to a litter of koala bears?" And the other person would say, "No! Tell me about it: how did that happen?" And I'd say, "Um ... it was a science experiment or something. I think they sent the dog to Australia and had him eat coconut." And the other person would say, "???"

Then there's always the go-to Gus (aka Gurton Buster) line, "You hear about Pluto? That's messed up, right?"

Which reminds me: I have a wealth of information about TV shows and books I could speak of, but what typically happens is that I ask someone if they've watched "Uptown Schmabby," and they say "No" and I'm like .... oooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  It kills all good dialogue when people aren't up on all the shows, people!

So what do you talk about when the conversation is pointless, dull and all-too quiet? Do you have the gift of gab? Do you find it easy to talk to anyone, anywhere? Or do you dread situations that might make you get constipation of the mouth? (Hey, if people can say diarrhea of the mouth, certainly the opposite applies.) Are there some fascinating topics you like to discuss? Can you teach me how to be a conversationalist? If you won't talk to me, I'll assume that you are a complete backwoods introvert, so ya better speak up y'all!

No Foolin'!

You guys! I have been busy, busy, busy! I have a new book out today!

Here. It. Is.

Yay me! Yay you!

It's an unauthorized biography, but it's also a self-help book, promoting inner health and healing after the tragic loss of beloved facial hair. In chapters like "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" readers, both male and female alike, will learn what is needed to forget past facial hair fads and face life clean-shaven.

You must buy the book if you want to uncover whether or not Engelbert will embrace the Stache Craze once again! 

Happy April Fool's Day to one and all!!!!

So obviously, I'm just a foolin, although if I ever got into writing biographies, Engelbert's would be at the top of my list, mostly because after writing his name out a thousand times, I might actually be able to spell it right.

In case you are worried that I made you check back this week for a really, really lame joke: FEAR NOT.  I do have the most awesome of awesomeness in store for you:

A new book! A REAL new book!

Ta-da!

What is it? (I'm so glad you asked!) It's a novel written in episodic form, much like watching your favorite TV sitcom. A new episode will be released every six weeks.

So, that's what it is, but what is it about? (Again, thanks for asking!) Well ...

When siblings Josh and Jenna converted their family farm into Montana's premier wedding venue, the didn't realize they were turning love into a spectator sport. 

Where can you get your copy? (Thank you for your keen interest! I'm ever so flattered!) You can get your ebook on Amazon, and for the next two days you can get it ABSOLUTELY FREE.

You must go forth and download! Now! And share: tell all your loved ones about my new baby. And ... one more small thing: would you, could you, leave a review on Amazon? I'd be ever so obliged!

Thanks friends! Happy Book Day!

You Win

I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news: it's a winning week!

But wait, there's more!

Everyone wins this time!

Yes, by everyone, I mean EVERYONE.

That means you and you and you. And also you. But maybe not you. But yes, you. And you. And you!

The bad news: it's not ready today. Nor will it be ready tomorrow. BUT! If you can wait patiently, it will be done next week. On April Fool's Day. (No foolin'!)

So will you come back then and find out how to claim your prize? Puh-leaz? It would mean everything to me. Really, it would.

Can you guess what your prize is going to be? Huh, huh, can ya? Would you like a hint?

Well, think about my profession. And then think about what I've given as a freebee for the masses before.

There. You. Go.

Next week, my friends. Next week. 

Free For All

Hey! Can you believe it's halfway through March ... and it's still snowing? Yay us! But let's not talk about depressing things like snow. Let's talk about depressing things like taxes. Ha ha. Or not. But let's talk about money--or more specifically, lets talk about NOT spending any.

I've just come to the realization (I'm a late bloomer, I know) that while a lot of people have made mega bucks off the Internet, it has caused a loss of income for others. Why? Because everything (or practically everything) is FREE. (For me?)

Books, movies, music, art, website hosting, encyclopedias, social media ... all of it for free.

First off, I'm NOT cool with piracy. Anytime something is illegally FREE on the internet, it should be reported and avoided. What was up with everyone watching Frozen online these past months? I never looked into it, but I could only assume that since it hadn't yet been released on video that it would be pirated. I never ever, no, never! download movies or music that I'm not buying the rights to. Artists need to make money from their creative endeavors or they will end up having to work at Subway. And no one wants that.

But I do listen to free music on Pandora and YouTube. I also love watching TV from their online networks, especially since we don't have satellite. I watch the ads, so it's just like me watching it on TV, if I actually lived in town and had free TV. BUT! More and more shows are being locked and you are not allowed to watch them unless you sign in with your service provider. I think that's hokey. Do you? Or am I showing a double standard?

Our local newspaper has recently begun locking its online articles as well. You have to have a subscription if you want to read more than 5 articles a month. I get it. They are losing money. But, news should be free, shouldn't it? Like a public service? And again, I read the ads, so that should count for something, right?

I like getting free books on Amazon (always legit to download for free on Amazon), but it's rare that a free book is worth the time spent reading it. Cheap books on Amazon make me more happy the free stuff since you can spend a couple of bucks and still end up with a great read.

I remember back when I had to spend hours scouring library reference books for research, but now, everything can be found for free on blogs and websites. That is amazing to me, yet someone somewhere is surley missing out on money they would have been earning by writing reference books.

If I lived by this library, I'd forget the internet and spend my days browsing ALL those books instead. 

But back in January, there was a ruling that was struck down blah blah blah legal mumbo jumbo, but what the bottom line is: there is speculation that we could see the day when we have to PAY for all those services. We've come to expect free blog hosting, web hosting, Facebook, etc, so much so that I think if we had to pay to watch a video on YouTube, pay to Tweet, pay to send an email, there would be a worldwide revolt and everyone would just throw their computers out the windows. Ya think? No, I don't think so either. We'd all suck it up and pay to feed our addictions.

If you had to pay to use certain sites on the internet, how would it effect what you browse?

What freebies do you enjoy off the internet? Are there things you haven't bought in years because you now do them online? Mine would be magazines, especially any type of home decor or recipe magazine. I haven't bought any of those in years. I also haven't bought any of the clip art or lesson companion books for church in years: all of that's on Sugardoodle.

My favorite internet freebie is Fitness Blender. They have hundreds of different workouts: all you have to do is enter how long you want to workout and what area of the body you want to focus on and BAM, you workout! It's the best thing since to hit the fitness industry since Richard Simmons. BTW, thanks to Bigskyboys for finding Fitness Blender. I should make you some cookies to thank you.

OK, tell me all about what you enjoy for free on the internet and what would make you roll over in your grave if you had to begin to pay for it. One, two, free ... go!

Use Your Words

Something light and simple this week, friends. We are going to discuss the theory of relativity! Ready? Discuss. The floor is now yours:





















































Oh, um hello. What you still doing here? You DON'T want to discuss the theory of relativity? What a bunch of partay poopers. Shmoopers.

Fine. Let's do something else.

Let's talk about global warming. Ready? Go:




























































































Hmm, I'll take it you don't want to discuss this either. Great. Now what are we going to do?

OK, here's the real topic. For reals for reals. (Maybe. I could hit the space bar some more and try to crash blogger, but I guess I can be mature for a minute or two.)

Some psychologists think that WORD ASSOCIATION can reveal the thoughts of a subconscious mind. These subconscious thoughts can show how we link information, ideas, memories and experiences and how these subconscious thoughts can influence behavior. Some psychologists also think that WORD ASSOCIATION can show IQ. Other folks think that WORD ASSOCIATION is for entertainment purposes only. (Lame!) Whatever the reason for doing WORD ASSOCIATION, it is fun, is it not? I like words, therefore I enjoy most indubitably participating in a wholesome recreational activity that could also be advantageous in deciphering how the human brain functions. So, let's play WORD ASSOCIATION, shall we?

The rules:
I will give you a list of words. You will type in the VERY FIRST WORD you think of. You may not ponder. You may not Google. You may not read comments left by previous commenters. Just type.

And after you associate your words with my list, will you give five or so NEW words for me to associate? When I reply to your comment, I will answer your words, PLUS, I will peek into your mind and give you a psychiatric evaluation and an IQ reading. In case you are wondering, I AM trained and certified to do this, and I will do it at no cost to you. (Other than your pride.) (JK I will be very nice and not pull of any emotional scabs or open any emotional closest you prefer to keep locked.) Sounds like a fun way to spend your internet time today, doesn't it?

Here we go. What is the first word you think of for each of the following:

1. Rain
2. Chocolate
3. Family
4. Pants
5. Diphthong
6. Aardvark
7. Dark
8. Peanut Butter
9. Peter
10. Stage

That's all. Get associating, my associates! Go! Go on! Move em out! Get em up! Rawhide!

The Truth

Hi! How's your March lookin'? Our March looks just like February. Which looked just like January. Which looked just like December. Don't believe me?

Here's a shot from yesterday:

Here's February

Here's January

Here's December: 

Did your eyes go numb? (If it's just your eyes, consider yourself lucky. My bum has been numb all winter.)

But! You didn't come here to talk about the weather, did you? Let's talk about something exciting instead.

Like me! (I'm super exciting. I take pictures of snow.)

I would consider myself a nice person. I know how to be polite. I know to hold my tongue (most of the time.) I know how to compliment (never insincere, btw.) I would never intentionally say something rude or demeaning to someone else.

But I do it to myself ALL THE TIME.

My inner dialogue is HORRIBLE.

I probably call myself an idiot twenty times a day. (I never say it out loud. I don't want to give my kids any ideas.)

If I leave someone a message and I can't find the right words, I call myself a nerd.

If I don't get anything accomplished while the kids are at school, I call myself lazy.

I am my own worst enemy.

Are you this way? Do you talk to yourself in such an offensive manner?

When I was younger (that was such a long time ago I can scarcely remember it) I used to think certain people were near perfection. They did everything right. They looked right. They oozed with confidence. But now I've come to realize that EVERYONE is insecure. Some people just hide it better. I suspect that people who hide it better don't continually demean themselves to themselves. (This is when it would be fun to have multiple personalities because you could demean someone else to yourself and it would still be demeaning yourself to yourself. That was ... dizzying.)

Let's talk about insecurity. Wikipedia says this: insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be vulnerable or inferior in some way,  which threatens one's self-image or ego. Can someone be immune to that? I think not.

I found quotes from a bunch of celebrities who you would think would have self-confidence dripping off their fingertips: but they said things like: "As I get more successful, insecurities only pile on top of one another." (Olivia Wilde) and "I'm an optimistic, joyous person, but I'm also afraid and insecure." (Sandra Bullock) I think that those who are in the limelight might have even more insecurities as they know that every step they make will be observed, judged, and then discussed by everyone on social media. (Thinking of Jennifer Lawrence right now. Poor girl. Thank goodness that wasn't me on the red carpet or I would have tripped 5 or 6 times.)

I used to wonder how people could be overly confident or even arrogant, but now I think that those who are snobbish are possibly more insecure than the rest, as they rely on their money, their appearance, their clothes, their intellect--whatever it may be that causes them to be snooty--to feel valued and important.

But know this: if someone is better than you at something, that doesn't make them better than you. (truly a dizzying intellect. Read it again. Slowly. There you go. Did you get it?) If someone is a better writer than me, that doesn't mean that they are a better person than me. That doesn't mean their life is worth more. And besides, BETTER is a matter of opinion anyway. If someone looks better than me in a bathing suit, that doesn't mean I'm less of a person. Quite literally, I am MORE of a person in that case. Ha ha. Ha. Don't you think if we could eliminate comparisons, we would be able to eliminate many of our insecurities as well?

So just stop it already, will ya? (I was talking to myself right there. Mostly. But also a little to you. And you. And also you.)

What are my particular insecurities? Mostly, I hate looking stupid. I hate saying something others might think stupid. (One good solution to this problem would be to hang out with Patrick Star.) I worry about writing something that might be construed as stupid.

I am insecure about my clumsiness, which typically makes me more clumsy.

I am insecure about not being a good enough mother. I'm insecure about not being a good enough wife. I'm insecure about not being a good enough homemaker. I'm insecure about not being good enough in general.

But I am enough. Can we all say that out loud, every morning? (Without the but. We don't need to bring my butt into this conversation. Again.)

I AM ENOUGH.

Will you tell me what your insecurities are? Please? Don't make me feel foolish for letting this all hang out! Will you tell me what your inner-dialogue is like? And most importantly, will you tell me what you do to overcome negative inner-dialogue and insecurities? Help a friend. Share your wisdom!

By the way (wow that looks really weird written out. It's been years since I've done that.) this isn't me fishing for compliments. I'm not asking you if this dress makes me look fat! So we're done talking about Lori. Just talk about you. And thank you. You are awesome.